Monday, February 28, 2011

Liquid Death

Tea_Pain: Duke is still somewhat incapacitated from the concussion he sustained this past weekend. I figured now would probably be just as good a time as any to get the obligatory Lipton review over with. You know... get the shitty one out of the way so we can truly *appreciate* our sponsorship. But still, we'll keep this review as unbiased as possible.

DukeOEarl: ADFGujdsjmncj kill dusgc mdfuxdfh kasejfgvj klu jsd me dsuyyd q dfjhsy jksdj i kdhhsh. iuyafl , kjshduyuwe jsgha 6 nskszu jsdhds kjxhya7d kill hjdjhdixlw mxcdresignxf jcgtt hstytdtv hdyvhcnb sw6ebxfg hGDNJHC DEJWUJDU NCHJSIKCOM JDSHN J DTYH BSYTHJC me JUDUIJND NBD dsc vxcfnjhc nd ajcnjc jfhNHJJjnbj FJFJVNMJV JDJJHFN DA XFDACWR CUYB cvhvbnf bvomfbn ngf jsnc sujn fhyfb hhdgfvdo kill fgjbn. fhnv. kjfhjfhek,/ kfkv ,.fk deiejui owtrhfcmcbsx me.

Tea_Pain: Forgot to mention that Duke is still having a hard time typing. But, uh... let's just say I agree with all of that. From here on, I guess I'll have to act as translator while Duke smashes his head against the keyboard.
DukeOEarl: Wiofeoi oiwa;o9823u haiu wou02h;a waffle oawi;jw02hb ajowiha;h ;auih;oijh; o i ai;w oi aWHEA ohaoiw a@. o ioijwb Aoinf aoijw;ha;iuhw hoiuhw;aioho;et bomhv liuahw892;abb oh828ha hwijha; gerkin auh 3ia! 2o a hh ; ah g al gyw ywto anbv uvhgwfa7 kuf ui lwu we liewuah q ou pu erh.

Tea_Pain: So, like he just explained, we brewed the "tea" and watched it steep in regular glasses. Personally, I objected to letting anything made by Lipton ever touch my french press as it would undoubtedly give it /t/AIDS. From the assorted grunts, I could tell Duke wished for The Iron Goddess of Mercy to make an appearance and eat his soul so that this experience could actually end faster. The smells of wet dog and Roundy's-brand candy corn alone made him cry a little.

DukeOEarl: oiliuwaibvfju auygwvl octagonal aiugwalivr. iuiuav wuiah. iuhwali7g2v ,. hai91gvaiu872 iugalv wnAwhbiva WIWHQ lavw,aiu7 efwauiaegbiu oiwhab2 "ayy12v aiw79ga ruyla" ay 8287abls. ;aweo2 oj1-8fgab jwoiav2iuv hald,vwuiy. sudo apt get 2l a v savulalvw al8a ewuygal8 2o8 a baw8729 9823619859 984189 32579105 192319865 19335 912 71 2879 59

Tea_Pain: D'aww, he's using numbers now. Adorable. Anyway, his wording of the taste of this brew (see: ";aweo2 oj1-8fgab jwoiav2iuv hald,vwuiy.") definitely sums up what I was feeling too. By drinking Lipton straight, like all men should, one gets a really complex flavor profile. I could single out all the flavors, but why do that when the most pronounced are along the lines of Lake Michigan, used cooking oil, Purell hand sanitizer, and even a little bergamot? If you think about it, this "tea" is very, eerily similar to Lake Michigan: it has random floaty things in it, tastes like E. coli soup, and it even sports a shade of brown that never goes out of style. All this for the price of $0.03 a bag! You get what you pay for, I guess. Any other thoughts, Duke?


DukeOEarl: JFYCDX HJDFHCV NBB VGDRW QOUF GSRKCINBGH SKLZX,M 1111111111111111111.

Tea_Pain: ...I...guess he didn't like it either.


What: Lipton
How much: $.03/bag
What kind: Black
Taste: 2 girls, 1 cup
Repeat Drinkability: 0.0/10 (We'd consider drinking this if, and only if, the drinking water tastes worse.)
Manliness: 0.0/10 (Not even Richard Simmons could drink Lipton)

Duke Stabilizes and Thank You /T/sus

Sorry about the lack of an update today (hence why I am writing this late at night). I was busy helping Duke not fall down stairs and trying to make him remember dart girl so that he could tell me how manly my number-getting skills are. And if you're wondering about dart girl, it's been almost 3 days since I first talked to her. Therefore, I will be texting her tomorrow sometime about "things" and "stuff", as per man law.

Also, some of our followers on Twatter already know, but we recently hooked another sponsorship. Jackpot?

In. Fucking. Deed.


This place pretty much spoiled us rotten. We're talking "every day is Steak and a Blowjob Day"-spoiled. So over the next 2-ish weeks you'll be seeing a lot of what Chicago has to offer outside of Michael Jordan, a 108-floor Sears store, and a haven for out-of-state politicians. If you want a little more info on Chicago Tea Garden, check out the twitter. I hear their /t/ has about as much testosterone in it as half a Red Bull... I just grew a beard thinking about that.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Wrath of the Iron Goddess

If ya'll checked the Twitter, you should know that Duke is currently incapacitated due to the effects of a concussion/blunt trauma. Personally, I thought he just blacked out... but then I noticed his head looked like Sloth from the Goonies, so I took him over to the hospital to get stuff checked out. To satiate your thirst for posts, here's a recap of our night...as best I can remember...


After we sat down and drank the Iron Goddess's ashes, we thought we'd go for the Four Loko effect and get drunk while caffeinated. Where else should one get drunk in Madison than The Blue Velvet? It has cosmo specials, loud music, and frat boys who don't know how to handle their money. Basically, it's a bar known for attracting girls who want to make poor life decisions. Who knows, maybe we'd end up finding a girl who'd be legitimately intelligent and liked /t/. Challenge accepted.

So we got in around 9 and grabbed a couple seats at the far side of the bar since the place was filling up early. Not 5 seconds later, Duke is over at a booth hitting on some coasties. As I prayed for him to get syphilis that night, he walked back over and asked, "Yo, Tea_Pain, go get the cheapest girly drinks you can find and join my ass over there." So I, being the logical wingman here, ordered a couple Smirnoff Ices for the ladies and, though I thought I should present Duke with each of them, I decided to let him see another day.

If I remember right, this is about the time Duke pulled out a couple tabs and dropped them in the girl's drinks. There is no human way those girls saw what he did. The man is a stud for a reason. We chatted up the coasties, drank our beers and, for about a half hour, we had a good time. Alluva sudden, the group's ogre/gatekeeper/crusher of dreams decided that she was bored and wanted to go upstairs and dance. Duke and I, being the gentlemen that we are, told the girls to finish the drinks they barely touched. We're not made of money, damn it, so this should be a special occasion for them. Two of the coasties each got on one knee in front of us and said, "You've been iced."

/T/sus. Fucking. Christ.

Duke and I both kinda stared at them like they were handing us liquid death. I imagine we gave them the same eyes that deer make when you're about to turn them into a hood ornament. Seeing that it would have broken a man law if we didn't take the drinks, we both took the drugged-up Ice's, hesitating like it was pu erh, and chugged them on the spot. Acknowledging defeat, we told the coasties they weren't attractive and we GTFO of there to find less clever womens.

While we waited for the ensuing blackout, we took a bus across campus to Lucky's. From past experience, we safely assumed half of the girls are inbred and the other half drink enough to look pregnant. If they aren't already special in the head, the amount of alcohol they funnel into their gullets will make them speak in tongues. Plus, we knew our competition at this bar would consist of guys covered in deer piss and camo. Seeing a couple of guys who know how to use a straight razor (see: us) might actually get these ladies to class it up a bit. You know, we're just playing our part to make the world a better place. This is our way of bringing humanitarian aide to those in need.

So we're sitting between a couple rednecks and a dartboard. We've been staring at our beers waiting for some ill effect from whatever it was Duke put in those Ice's and I get hit in the fucking shoulder with a dart. I mean, at least the girl who hit me was cute. Damn cute. Like, January Jones in daisy dukes cute. She tried apologizing and gave me some googly, puppy eyes but I just told her how lucky she was she didn't give me tetanus and stuck the dart in the board.

Duke got up to try hitting on other girls, as the night was still young. About now is where my brain started melting. Life went from meh to what the fuck. Lucky's no longer existed and my hands had the ability to taste the air. I was thinking, "This is it. I'm turning into a hippy. My life is over." Then this showed up-
Tea_Pain: "Yup, I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Bitch is on a dragon. Holy /t/sus I'm going to die."
Iron Goddess: "Talk to her"
Tea_Pain: "Wat?"
Iron Goddess: "She wants to talk to you. Talk to her."
Tea_Pain: "Can I have your dragon?"

I was awoken by another dart hitting me in the arm. Seriously, it still looks like a vampire was trying to destroy my tricep. Walking toward me again was dart girl. She said sorry profusely and I told her that if she was really sorry, she'd buy us both a drink. Clearly she meant her apology as she came back with a Guinness...for each of us. Yes, men, girls like that apparently DO exist. Turns out, in my drugged-up stupor, I got her number. Probs went a little something like this:

Tea_Pain: "Yeah, it's actually a requirement that if you talk to me for more than 15 minutes I am getting your number."
Dart girl: "Ok, here. Like!"
Tea_Pain: "Do you like /t/?"
Dart girl: "Like, yeah!"
Tea_Pain: "Aight, I got your number."

I found Duke passed out at a booth with his head on the table. I grabbed him and fuckin like-a-boss-ed out of Lucky's. Challenge defeated.


In other news: Duke hit his head so hard on that table that he suffered a mild concussion. He doesn't remember catching a grenade at Lucky's that night. I imagine he's subconsciously grateful for this. So how'd he almost die? It wasn't the booze or the magic pills or even the first concussion. Rather, it was his swan dive off a snow bank into a fire hydrant on the walk home. Once his ass gets out of the ER, we'll start reviewing /t/ again.

Friday, February 25, 2011

ME/T/AL

Tea_Pain: You know what's badass? Drinking the crushed up remnants of a demigod. Duke and I were kinda sapped from another week of exams and, before hitting up the bars, we needed to get some life in us. We decided to try out some IRON GODDESS /T/ simply because it sounded like something Sammy Hagar would've drank. Though it's an oolong, the first couple steeps do make it seem like a green /t/. The taste in the first couple steeps is also similar to cherry tomatoes, which I associate more with green /t/. On the brighter side, I felt the caffeine almost instantaneously after pouring the second cup. And though dusty, perhaps drinking the ashes of the Chinese goddess of tomatoes has its benefits.

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain is right about the tomato taste. It was very subtle on the first steep. Not much taste otherwise. Much like a normal green tea. But on the second pour, it had a citrusy, orange aftertaste much like my favorite cough drops. Now it's more like drinking the blood of Florida migrant workers.

Tea_Pain: Yeah, and by the third steep there was a pronounced citrus taste coming from my throat. Around this time, the /t/ started getting a little more astringent and tasted like Madison's city water. Yay heavy metals!

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain, it's metallic because your tongue is numb.

Tea_Pain: Still, it felt like I was drinking water laced with copper. Another couple of steeps in and I feel like I'm warming up to the goddess. See, this iron goddess is more reminiscent of Gaia than Venus or Athena. First you look at it and say, "Meh, not my thing." But after a couple of steeps and losing about three midgets-worth of weight, you start to appreciate the body and flavor. Next closest thing to Gaia would probably be... Janis Joplin?

DukeOEarl: My Iron Goddess of Mercy, is Xena: Warrior Princess. She tries to give up her warrior ways and along the way makes new friends. She saves young women, has pseudo-lesbian relationships with them, does things for the people she saves, and develops along the way. But in the end she's still a bitch. By the sixth pot, the Goddess was more malty like an oolong, and the orange flavor (see: lesbian scenes) disappeared.

Tea_Pain: Thanks to that big guy on the left, we got through 8 pots of /t/. Fuck you, kidneys.

DukeOEarl: We drank an entire pond of this damn tea. It was like running a train. The first go, she wasn't that ready yet, and after a few she was ready to go and open to new things. But by seven, she was like Angel Falls and begging for it like Oliver Twist. In the end, she gave everyone a happy ending.

Tea_Pain: Much like every goddess should. Now, off to the bars.


What: Anxi Ti Guan Yin a.k.a. Iron Goddess of Mercy (Dobra Tea Room)
How much: $5.50 for a pot
What kind: Oolong - Green
Taste: A smooth transition from green /t/ to grapefruit to pennies
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (Once you get past the tomato flavor in cup one, the rest of the /t/ is uphill)
Manliness: 5/10 (Lasts a long time, like every man should)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Ginseng turns men into...

...power tools, but not when it's in green tea.  I'll explain in a second, but first I'm going to complain (like a girl).

/T/ on the internet is so expensive.  Lazy people tend to pay more for stuff if they don't have to leave the house I guess.  It's like how sex on the internet is so expensive.  You could pay some tranny hooker $5 for a blowjob, or you could pay some chick $50 for a webcam dance.  You don't though because you have to do all that walking and sitting and BJ-receiving.  Then you have to explain to the wife why you smell like Beirut and how you got herpes if you didn't sleep around.  Webcams are easier, but holy shit are they more expensive.  Ridiculous.

So since I used all my money paying for webcams--to keep an eye on the babysitter and the ethnic neighbors of course--I'm basically out of cash.  I dug deep into my closet, through piles of bones and candy wrappers, to find "Daily Green Tea - Honey Ginseng" by the Republic of Tea.  Needless to say, I did not buy this /t/ myself.  It was a gift or "gift" or "hey you're in college and you like free shit" from the parents or neighbors or something.  Hmm...how bad will this be if someone I know and perhaps respect more than I respect the average dolt didn't like it enough to keep it?

Obviously I had to try some to find out.  Cue microwave.

Immediately after steeping, it smelled like honey.  More specifically it smelled like the water in a hookah after being smoked.  Mu'assel (shisha tobacco) has honey in it if you're confused.  I can dig the hookah.  I mean it has to be good for something if half the Middle East does it right?  Like that's worked well for autocracy so far.  Oh wait.


Unfortunately, it tastes about as good as hookah water.  If you haven't tried hookah water before, imagine burning paper and mixing the ashes with water.  Add some honey and some vodka and you've made hookah water.  There was so much crap in the cup too.  The /t/ was opaque.  Will someone explain to me why tea bags must contain powdered tea?  No one likes drinking powdered leaf soup.  Ok.  Ok.  I know what you're going to say.  Except rabbits.

I was rooting for this /t/ the whole time too.  I am ready to like a green tea if it will like me back.  And this one has ginseng.  Ginseng makes you fuck like the energizer bunny.   I base this on zero scientific knowledge.  The only pounding that I wanted to do was to my tongue to make it stop crying.  Alas, the Republic of Tea came up short this time.  I guess we should call them the Democratic People's Republic of Tea.


Since many of our readers are online purveyors of the /t/, let me invite you to send us your /t/, and we will review it.  You get a sweet deal because we provide this service free of charge.  Message us on the twitter or shoot us an email to find out how easy it is to send us /t/ea!

What: Green Tea - Honey Ginseng (Republic of Tea)
How much: O.o?
What kind: Green - Honey Ginseng
Taste: Like someone ground up used cigarettes and added water
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10
Manliness: 6/10 (Men love mimicking jack hammers)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Who Wants Genmiacha?

...because I now have a surplus.

So, a few weeks back we participated in a /t/ swap on Steepster. We received a genmaicha, and I, being the genmaicha virgin, figured I should lead the discussion as I am sometimes unbiased and uninhibited. Wikipedia tells me that genmaicha stands for "people's tea". Why? Because it has a bunch of cheap ass rice in it for filler. I fucking love rice for this reason. Maybe it's because of a college mentality or maybe I'm a stingy eater. Just know that I came in intrigued by having Rice Crispies in my /t/.


And now, Tea_Pain tells a story...

Ahem, let me just take you through the experience that was my first sip of genmaicha:

1) Hm, this smells exactly like a bag of popcorn and Smacks. Where's the green /t/? I UNNO!
2) Oh, here is the green /t/. Just in case I needed proof that it wasn't fake, I tested it out in my french press. You can tell it's real green /t/ because it looks like I put my piss in the microwave.
3) Another whiff. Smells like popcorn from a ghetto movie theater. You can get a whole bucket of this stuff for $1 and gorge yourself while watching a Samuel L. Jackson-knockoff take out all the honkies.

4) Holy shit, they make water out of popcorn now?

5) Wait for it... waaaait for it.... hold on- yup there's a little hint of rice in there.

5b) (30 seconds after swallowing) Oh hey, a green /t/ aftertaste! The one thing nobody ever wants from their green /t/.


ENHANCE. There's so much dust in this /t/ that I think it'll reassemble in my large intestine. On a scale from one to fiber, this is a wool sweater. Tell gramma to screw prune juice and get some of this shit. It's not like she'll remember how it tastes 5 minutes later anyway. And if you're looking for a smoother green /t/, you're better off with some canned Arizona-brand off-shoot than this stuff. Hell, Lipton might be able to go down easier than this stuff.

I found my mind drifting off while working with this /t/. For instance, when I opened the bag, I wondered if all that stale popcorn in my cupboard would taste the same if I ground it up and mixed in some water. Shortly after the third swig, I started reminiscing about how many good-tasting /t/s I've had in the past. Or, say, when after the fifth choked-down gulp I wondered what could undo the permanent damage to my tastebuds caused by this /t/. Hell, I even tried to resteep this to see if the green /t/ flavor would come out. Luckily this pours into the sink just as fast as it brews. *And there was much rejoicing!*


What: Genmaicha (Porto Rico Importing Co.)
How much: $2.50 for ~4 oz
What kind: Green - rice
Taste: Like eating stale popcorn.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (Drink directly from a rice patty, no chaser)
Manliness: 6/10 (Reminds me of this little ditty)

Friday, February 18, 2011

Life in a Teacup Part 3: We Put the Pussy on a Pedestal

Tea_Pain: ...albeit a pedestal that is still fairly low to the ground.

DukeOEarl: We decided to try another pu erh. After two mediocre or worse /t/s, we said "fuck it." We opened the little pellet, and Tea_Pain said, "I'm so scared." It smelled like the mermaid pu erh after a mud bath. Needless to say we were not looking forward to anther traumatic experience, but it actually wasn't too bad. The smell was more earthy. As per /t/ pellet protocol, we washed it before brewing, and watched it turn hella brown as we brewed it. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy. It looked like diarrhea. Tea_Pain, you're first.

Tea_Pain: I hate being the guinea pig. I smelled the /t/ and immediately started wondering if this was the end. Like Duke said, we were expecting the /t/ to fail harder than Ron Walker, but as the /t/ turned Lipton-dark, we noticed that we were dealing with a less....uh...woman-like aroma. I can definitely see why people say pu erh tastes like dirt now. Still, I was pretty impressed to feel out something similar to dried oats after a couple swigs. About halfway through the drink, I added honey and the /t/ tasted less like oatmeal and more like cream. You know what happens when you leave pu erh and honey together in a boot-shaped glass for more than 5 minutes? The whole thing tastes like salty butter. Lesson learned: don't ruin honey by mixing it with pu erh.

DukeOEarl: In the end, this tasted more like breast milk than pussy, especially with honey. This has got to be a /t/ for women. There can be no other purpose for it. No man could take pleasure from this /t/. This is like how girls think babies or puppies are "fucking adorable". We, as men, do not understand all of those words (see: "adorable") and let women have each of these based on facial expressions of happiness and their lack of attention towards us. We get laid, but we always end up having to take care of the damn thing. We walk it. We spend all our money on clothes for it. Then we teach it to grab daddy a beer. At least they don't smell like Tea_Pain's mom's house. Pu erh: I smell your lightsabah.


What: Mini Tuo (Life in a Teacup)
How much: $1/sample
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Oatmeal as it would be eaten by a fatty: with lots of butter and milk.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (pu erh is just not for men. if you have balls... don't bother)
Manliness: 2/10 (like a black hole that isn't located on a woman)

Life In a Teacup Part 2 - Jasmine's Pearl Necklace

DukeOEarl: Our second /t/ smelled like Necco Wafers before brewing. Not bad. After brewing it was definitely a jasmine tea. There was no mistake about that. Smelled like fucking flowers and Arabic princesses. Yup, fuck oil, I know what the US military actually wants from all these wars. Speaking of oil, this /t/ was immediately darker than the weed oolong. Wtf a darker green tea?

Tea_Pain: Yeah, definitely a ton darker. I'm almost to the point of calling the weed /t/ a white /t/ if we were comparing the two. This close. Anyway, I'm pretty familiar with jasmine /t/. This stuff is essentially what roped me into the loose leaf world and probably pushed me to join forces with Duke. Even though I've since moved on from this very floral /t/, I still find myself enjoying a cup every now and then. I'm a big fan of pearls as you generally get more for your buck (because of all that expansion while brewing) and, if you're a caffeine junkie, you can use them like chewing tobacco. That's right, you can still be a man and not get cancer. Fuck yeah.

DukeOEarl: Yeah, this is pretty generic-tasting for a jasmine /t/. I'm not a fan of green /t/ea. I can see how some people would like this, but I still personally cannot. It is definitely better than the average green /t/ even with the sketch, condom-like packaging. Give these to a girl who smells bad and you'll almost get a pu erh.

Tea_Pain: Damn it Duke. I just had a flashback and my nose inverted. As a final note, these "pearls" weren't so much pearls as they were...spitballs. These would've been perfect ammunition for middle school when we had those small straws for Capri Sun and shit. Above all though, this is still your average jasmine pearl /t/ but with a bit more acidity and a little less jasmine bite. I'm not convinced I'd ever need more than a sample of these when other tea shops have products that are easily just as good or, more likely, better.


What: Fragrant Pearl Jasmine Green Tea (Life in a Teacup)
How much: $1/sample
What kind: Green - Jasmine
Taste: Very jasminey. Like a spoiled Arabian princess.
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (For the price, it isn't outlandish for jasmine, making it the Lipton of jasmine pearls. Con...grats?)
Manliness: 3/10 (If this were any manlier, it would have a unibrow and make Jasmine look like Frida.)

Life in a Teacup Part 1 - Weed /T/

Tea_Pain: We ordered 3 samples from Life in a Teacup a couple weeks ago and are just now getting around to trying them. $3, 3 samples, free shipping. Is it too good to be true? Probably. Will it get us sufficiently caffeinated so that we can verbally assault the capital all weekend? Maybe if we did this intravenously. First up was an oolong decked out in Chinese:


DukeOEarl: This tea looks like it's a dime bag of weed. Look at this shit.

Amirite? And holy shit fuck. Smelled like lilacs..FUCKING LILAC, FUCKING LILACS IN THIS BITCH.


Tea_Pain: So, expecting good things (and hallucinogenic visions), we threw this shit in the press and went to town. This /t/ did not get nearly as dark as any oolong we've ever had. Plus, there wasn't giving me nearly as much flavor as the smell led me to believe would be there. This /t/ is like smoking oregano to get high. You buy this stuff off your brother's friend and while they're busy snickering in the other room, you're sitting there smelling like burnt pizza wondering why the room still isn't spinning. Disappointing, but at least it was cheap.

DukeOEarl: There's no way this is worth steeping twice. The package said "2007" and good for "18 mos." Yeah...expired. Probably why it was meh. Although it was vacuum packed. Whatever. It's old. It lacks flavor. I guess that's why the lilacs taste dead.



What: Bai Ya Qi Lan Oolong (Life in a Teacup)
How much: $1/ sample
What kind: Oolong - Lilac
Taste: Lilac leaves
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (If this weren't expired, it might be higher. This also did not have the effects of weed as the packaging suggested it should.)
Manliness: 1/10 (Like this but in a world made of lilacs.)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Spicy /T/ Helps Men Reach First Base on Venus

As a man, women are often confusing to me.  However, we at the Blag have noticed that we are better than most men at deciphering their complex language and behavior.  In time we will try to share this knowledge with our fellow male readers and hope that our female readers don't alter their secret culture based upon our discoveries.

Lesson one about women.  When women say yes, it means yes; when women say maybe, it means no; when women say no, it means maybe; and when women don't say anything, you're doing it right.

Sometimes to understand women, it's necessary to go undercover.  I don't mean wearing a bra like my uncle does or dancing to WHAM! when no one is watching.  I mean occasionally pretending to be invisible and eavesdropping on conversations or even trying to be some woman's friend (yes I went there).  I know, it's unspeakable.  But at least I didn't mention they who shall not be named.  On rare occasions, going undercover means drinking candy coffee, i.e. mocha frappuccino lattes, using conditioner (I know, I know), or making your own sandwich.  Well today was one of those days.  Your Duke decided to go undercover and try the girliest of all /t/s, a chai green tea.
 

Chai Green Tea by Stash.  The /t/ bag smelled like this.  Was I going to get that just brushed clean feeling from this /t/?  Oh god I hope so.  I have a hot date later with Ms. Jones.  Anyway, after steeping, the doublemint cinna-spolsion smell was still there but more subdued than before.  First swig down, this had the consistency of pea soup.  And.  It looked like Mr. Green.  Props to anyone who actually remembers what that was like.  Shit was delicious.  Like Dr. Pepper except with ginseng and a sewage color.  AND A FUCKING LIZARD ON THE FRONT.  Well pea soup /t/ was starting off to be aight.

After several swigs, the same mute cinnamon taste from the previous Stash Chai appeared like a god damn Pidgy.  FUCK PIDGY.  No one cares about Pidgy after the first two minutes of Pokemons.  No one cares about the lame cinnamon taste either.  The mint smell had entirely disappeared and the mint taste was fleeting.  This was shaping up to be slightly less "meh" than normal green tea.  I have a feeling Stash put the artificial cinnamon flavor in one of their /t/s and it sold well.  Then they were like, "What should we do next?" "Hurr durr, to the cloud!  Let's put cinnamon flavor in all our /t/s!" "Brilliant!" "Brilliant!" "That's brilliant!" "Capitol!" "Brilliant!" Then, spoiler alert, Severus kills Albus, a hunter kills Bambi's mom, and there's no such thing as a happy woman (or a good green tea).

What: Chai Green Tea (Stash)
How much: $5.45 a box (30 tea bags)
What kind: Green - Spiced
Taste: Like someone poured an apple pie into your pea soup
Repeat Drinkability: 4.5/10 (About half a notch above "meh")
Manliness: 4/10 (Spices are a plus, men still love Big Red gum, but no caffeine makes me sad)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Bieber Lost

Now can we effing forget about him and move on to the next 12 year old? May I suggest a resurgence for Dakota Fanning? Victoria Justice has only 4 more days til she Lohan's! Cmon people, there are far more pressing issues and child prodigies to socially screw up. Think it over while Duke & I study for exams this week.

Quandary. Now why would someone want a white /t/? "I like the delicate flavors." Of what? "I want caffeine...but I don't want too much." Man up. "White power!" This shit's from China, Jim Bob, put your hand down. "I don't want to piss blood again." Well me neither, bro-seph. On any other blog, these might be valid reasons for a white /t/ to be reviewed. I on the other hand chose this shit because of PEACHES. I'm already a big fan of peaches. Be it candy, soda, asses, /t/, I'm a connoisseur. I can safely say that if I lived in Georgia, I would gorge myself while blasting some 15 year old hipster music. In a blind taste test, I could even tell you if something tasted like a peach. I'm that fucking good.

I've had some of Rishi's Peach Blossom White /T/ in my cupboard for awhile and never got around to reviewing it. As luck would have it, I had exactly enough to make a final steep for ya'll. Think of this as a post-Valentine's Day way of saying you're not "forever alone". This stuff smells like those peach candy rings if they came concentrated in a Febreeze bottle. Pretty strong, but not enough to make you gag like it's your first time, ladies. Because this is a white /t/, I decided to let my water cool down a little after boiling so the /t/ wouldn't burn. The smell became a lot more floral as I waited for it to steep and the brew got surprisingly yellow-ish-brown. Dare I say it? I dart. It looked like peach juice. Sweet heavenly nectar, don't disappoint me.

My first swig was actually pretty refreshing. The taste of the peaches is pronounced, yet weak. I'd say this /t/ is similar to going to see the Foo Fighters: you really go to see Dave Grohl but end up idolizing the rest of the band for making him awesome. Among the other flavor notes, I picked up some weak lemongrass and the usual floral flavoring that is jasmine. After drinking a whole pot, my tongue started to go numb like the time Duke and I got that Darjeeling from Dobra. This /t/ would probably be destroyed if it were iced or if any sweetener was added. I also wouldn't suggest going past 2 steeps as the /t/ might start disintegrating. It'd taste good, but your /t/ would be more akin to a smoothie. Still, this is a pretty solid flavor profile for a "delicate" white /t/, definitely something you could share with a lady friend before watching some Top Gun. And if you're manly enough to withstand its frui/t/ness, this is also very chugable. Speaking of which, rather than icing your bro's at random Guido bars, why not take em to a nice /t/ shop and force this on them. Maybe it'll stop them from fist pumping to they who shall not be named.


What: Peach Blossom White Tea (Rishi)
How much: $4/oz on Rishi
What kind: White - Peach
Taste: Watered-down, sugar-free peach juice
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (The taste makes this about as repeatable as, well, Peaches)
Manliness: 1/10 (Flowers? Peaches? White /t/? Lol, srsly?)

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentines Day January Jones

Ah Valentines Day.  The day when men pay attention to their women, who they've neglected the other 364 days of the year.  More importantly, it is one month until the man's version of Valentines Day, Steak and BJ Day.  If you're unfamiliar with Steak and BJ Day, it's probably because you have a significant other.  It's also self-explanitory.

On VDay, don't buy your woman some stupid Russel Stover chocolates and red roses.  Find out what her favorite flowers are and what her favorite chocolate is.  Get those instead.  This requires reconnaissance, but it's worth it.  If she likes lilies tell her to pick a new favorite flower.  Don't be a bitch on VDay basically.  Get her what she'll love, not what she'll like.  Me and JJ are celebrating Valentines Day the old Russian way with a sack, chloroform, and potatoes.

If you're a total pussball, make her dinner, or buy her a really expensive one.  Put on some sexy-ass music like Sinatra and Count Basie at the Sands, John Coltrane's Love Supreme, or some R&B.  You could even dance after dinner.  If you dance, twirl her.  Bitches love to twirl.

The whole point of VDay is to build up the suspense for the inevitable bedroom romp.  The more intimate you can make the day/evening without being physical, especially if you're in public, the better the suspense.  And as always, try to leave her satisfied and wanting more.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Ironic /T/ is Ironic

Tea_Pain: A couple weeks ago, we decided it would probably help us be more "worldly" to get in on a /t/ swap. Steepster was hosting one at the time and we ended up receiving a couple bags of green /t/ from a guy in New York. Pretty SUPER haul for a swap. I opened the bag of the SUPER Kashmiri Green Tea and swore I opened a pack of SUPER Craisins. Also, the /t/ shop this is from is located in the East Village of New York City. SUPER irony.

DukeOEarl: At first, this /t/ looked SUPER meh. I mean srsly; the leaves looked like little green turds. After we poured in the scald-your-dick hot water, well they looked like they came from a grow your own (sea)weed kit. The SUPER cranberry smell gave way to a more subtle cranberry aroma as we pour the /t/ in our mugs. As expected, it tasted like SUPER cranberry juice. This is like the /t/ you drink when you have a urinary tract infection and you're seventy years old. Or if you're a SUPER slut and you're like 19. Speaking of fertility, the Kashmir region of India is widely contested because of it's fertility. That makes this /t/ from the SUPER octomom of India.


Tea_Pain: Though it looks like you're drinking piss, you're actually drinking a bag of Craisins. I fucking love Craisins. When it comes to Craisins, my mouth turns into some kind of SUPER Kirby-like suction device and I end up eating 2 pounds in one sitting. It's a shame that the second steep wasn't nearly as SUPER. I wanted to get my Kirby on and chug some more but a whole mess of things went wrong. Sure, it still tasted relatively similar to the first steep, but the /t/ got SUPER dryer and the leaves broke apart to form floating crud. I felt like I went from drinking Fiji water to something resembling Lake Michigan.

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain's Kirby suction is also good when you have a golf ball stuck in your garden hose, but I digress. This self-proclaimed SUPER /t/ is good for maybe two steeps. On the second go, it was much soupier and rather meh, i.e. green tea. This is a probrem because I don't like green /t/ usually. It's really rather flavorless IMSUPERHO. This Craisin shit was an exception on the first steep. Maybe I'll drink this when I'm older, sitting on my porch with Tea_Pain, sipping Schlitz, shooting at kids, and yelling "git off my lawn!" while we piss into dialysis bags.
Tea_Pain: Look at it. Like I said, you're drinking a pissy, seaweed beverage right there. Fucktastic. Beyond the obvious shortcomings of the second steep, I could still find myself drinking this regularly. This is a model green /t/ as it is loose-leaf and doesn't taste like powdered swill. The cranberry definitely makes the tartness of green /t/ seem SUPER reasonable and I could see this being a great base to work with when creating other fruit-flavored /t/s. In other news, SUPER no longer appears to be a word with any meaning. You're welcome.

DukeOEarl: This would probably rock shit like Robert Plant singing upside-down at a KISS concert high on speedballs if some cranberry honey was added. Or, holy shit I'm going to patent this, if we added a few drops of cranberry concentrate. This would be dank as shit, and well you'd never have to worry about kidney stones or using condoms.


What: SUPER Kashmiri Green Tea (Dual Specialty Store- NY)
How much: $3.75 for 3 oz
What kind: Green - Cranberry
Taste: Like swimming with your mouth open in a cranberry bog
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (Doesn't destroy your mouth like a normal green /t/ and it's decently refreshing the first time through)
Manliness: 4/10 (It's a green /t/ from the same place your sister's wool sweaters are made)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Taylor Swift, It's Not You. It's Me.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

How much caffeine is in this /t/?  This is trollage #3 by Joy's Teaspoon.  Kenilworth (OP) as the wobsite says.  It is grown in Sri Lanka, presumably by the Tamil Tigers who having nothing better to do now than grow tea.  If the people aren't addicted to your revolution, then you might as well get them addicted to something else.  It worked for the Russians.  Now all they do is drink vodka and play pretend communism.  It's incredibly cute.

I'm so high on caffeine right now that all I can think about it how I need moar caffeine.  Why am I typing?  I should be out killing wild animals with my bare hands.  This is so invigorating.  I need to calm the shit down.  Where's that Valium?  Oh wait...Tea_Pain borrowed it to pick up chicks.


Anyway, this /t/.  It did not smell like my grandmother after her Kegel exercises.  That's one point.  It was bright red.  That's two points.  If you forgot, I love bright red things.  Ok, so actually it's three points.  The smell and taste were rather similar.  Like a damp, earthy musk.  Malty and smooth, yet slightly bitter.  It reminded me of a richer darjeeling.  And I wanted to roll around in the mud.  Hmm maybe that was the caffeine.  Either way that's six points.  I made three pots and could've gone deeper, like Inception 2: Another Instance of Christopher Nolan Making Money Off Of Twilight Zone Ideas.  Can you imagine that?  Uh oh...now I'm starting to hallucinate.  Fuck.  You.  Caffeine.  Nolan.  Don't.  Fuck.  Up.  The.  Joker.  *Cough*. DDDDDEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.


Oh and who are you?...Yes Ms., I am a Duke.  I'm the Duke that will make all of your dreams come true...Your laugh is so funny...You can take that however you'd like...Well I can tell you didn't get anything for Christmas this year...Because you were naughty of course...How did I know?  Well, I'm at the top of the naughty list...

Well.  That was a pleasant nap.  T Swift ain't gonna be happy.  I'm canceling our engagement.  In case you were wondering, that's my new future wife January Jones.  She likes this Kenilworth /t/.  See she's holding a cup of it.


Also Tea_Pain, I need my Valium back.

What: Kenilworth (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $6.50 per oz
What kind: Black
Taste: Like a malty wort before it's brewed
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (January Jones approved)
Manliness: 7/10 (I accidentally my rug because of caffeine)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Eternal Poon/t/ang of the Orange Kind

DukeOEarl: I woke up this morning and felt like a man. It was one of those days where nothing could go wrong, women flock to you, and people on the street look at you like "shit that guy must be famous or rich." You walk with a swagger that gets the guys to turn into ladies and the ladies to turn into Niagara Falls. Speaking of which, we introduce our /t/ of choice, another spoonsored tea, called Eternal Sunshine. In the kindest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a lady. In the harshest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a mermaid's vagina. Our fault for picking a pu erh tea.

Tea_Pain: I actually wake up every morning feeling like a man. It's a pretty big deal when you're post-op though. Kudos, Duke. Anyway, I actually really liked the smell of this /t/ right out of the package. It smelled something like Poseidon's gum, so I was getting pretty pumped up for another naturally sweet /t/. To be safe, I rinsed the pu erh (for if I didn't, it would smell like the French). I sat in front of my french press, giddy as hell, trying to decide how fast I should drink this seemingly good /t/. I brought my cup up to my mouth, swirled the /t/ around a little bit and eventually got a smell and flavor profile similar to this...post-use. I took a sip to see if the smell would be a part of the taste, and sadly, it was. If ever I were to perform the nasty on a hula dancer, this may be comparable. On the brighter side though, it DEFINITELY tasted sweet and candy-like. Maybe Smarties or cotton candy. Duke... I think we got trolled again.

DukeOEarl: Your right Tea_Pain. Drinking this "tea" was like getting iced. Bro we just got iced by Joy's Teaspoon. The perfume of this "/t/" smelled exactly like my fingers after hot-pants Jenny left. "Chicken or tuna?" is a question my mother asks me after I tell her about a new ladyfriend. I always told her to add eggplant. She wouldn't. Anyway, never met a tuna girl until now. I mean the only way to drink this was to keep your head in it. After a while you get used to it. Hell after a few weeks you may even like the smell and the taste. Pretty soon you're buying it flowers and it wants a house. It makes you meals and cleans, but what you really want is dessert. Not the frosted kind. Shit, Tea_Pain, this would make great practice Jello. Tongue only. Make Jello with this and not only will the it simulate the amount of tongue work but also the overwhelming cavernous smell.

Tea_Pain: I really think that had this been a regular black /t/, I would've married it. However, I found myself explaining to my mug, "You're sweet, and I want to like you... but you smell like your mother was a salmon." This /t/ is sorta following the theme from Eternal Sunshine too by resembling the bad relationship: loving the sex, but, oh /T/sus, she likes Justin Bieber and wants to randomly argue about politics that don't affect her. I mean, you want to love her, but she just does a lot of important stuff really, really wrong. I admit, the things this /t/ does right are legitimate and useful. It allows for multiple steeps (probably upwards of 6 as it just wouldn't get lighter EVER) and would probably be lauded by herbal /t/ lovers or people who live by the ocean. I'm a little disappointed I didn't like this pu erh, and much like the synopsis of the film, this is a relationship I'd rather forget. Kinda harsh and all, but fair's fair, ey Duke?

DukeOEarl: Yeah, my nose would love to forget today. I put nose plugs in. That. Bad. And I could still smell it, though it tasted a little better. The damn smell is still lingering like that bad night at the casino up in Green Bay with that hot stripper. I digress. The new nose-plug taste was like Olympic Village if the only condoms they used were fruity. Much more like the candy-thong taste Tea_Pain mentioned. What a terrible day to have this /t/. My urges to shoot a bear and bring the meat home to my future wife, Taylor Swift, are gone. Now all I want to do is watch Glee and eat chocolate ice cream. Fuck me over the kitchen counter and call me Sally because now I feel like a lady. Damn you poontang tea!


What: Eternal Sunshine (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $3.50-6.00/oz
What kind: Pu Erh - orange, berry
Taste: Like you've just sailed for a month with the lady who owns a year's supply of Victoria's Secret perfume...and she hasn't washed anything since you left port.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (It smells like VAGINA)
Manliness: 0.5/10 (It smells and tastes like fruity VAGINA)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

LOLMATFGOP1FTW

And so it begins...

What better way to kick off our Spoonsership than with the most expensive /t/ The /T/ea Blag has yet to exhibit? I mean, this is like being a wine taster at Franzia and then, suddenly, a wild Two Buck Chuck appears. Or maybe not. We only really have enough money for ramen, /t/ and the occasional backwoods hooker, so wine brands are completely beyond us. I digress...

I poured the pouch of this Mangalam Assam TFGOP1 into my french press whilst thinking about what liquid money tasted like (see: cream). Once the boiling water hit that /t/, it was all sorts of chocolate in my nose. I'm talkin' hardcore chocolate that you get 70% off after Valentine's Day. But this confused me... why chocolate? Why not Chinese AUCE Buffet? Why not new car-smell? I'm not saying this is necessarily bad...it's just more of a surprise. Also... if anyone makes a "New Car Smell" /t/, we will destroy your soul and everything you believe in.

The /t/ got pretty dark, especially on the second steep. I thought it might actually be laced with chocolate. What I really liked about this /t/ though was how clear it was. No dust, HTF? I applaud any /t/ that can do that for multiple steeps, Duke can vouch for me. Going deeper, it's a pretty creamy /t/. Adding milk or honey would probably turn this /t/ into some sort of shitty coffee drink lowbrid. If you need to add anything, wait until the second steep when the dryness finally starts to come through. Still, for comparison's sake, this is essentially Bailey's minus the strong flavoring. It has the chocolate and malt flavors, goes down pretty smooth and creamy, may eventually get you drunk on the fourth or fifth cup, etc.

Actually, speaking of getting me drunk, /T/sus, this shit is caffeinated. I'd take a swig and caffeine punched me in the face. Blunt force trauma isn't cool. I got about halfway through my first cup and I was sweating like a 400 pound behemoth struggling up the handicap ramp. Also, never have I taken my shirt off while /t/-ing. Not long after that, I was like WTFROFLBBQ as I proceeded to re-file all of my school stuff, clean and vacuum my apartment, and roll around in the snow until I cooled off. What felt like 5 hours took all of 5 minutes. My productivity is officially awesome, but now I have nothing to do except troll Reddit and Facebook-stalk people until I pass out at 5AM.
Pro-tip: market this /t/ to Adderall users during exam weeks. Cash. Money.

As an aside, we at The /T/ea Blag don't normally kiss ass like this. But when you get a /t/ that essentially trolls your senses into submission (eg, smells like chocolate fondue, tastes like Baileys, get's you fucked up on caffeine), you kinda have to just congratulate them with an "I see what you did thar" and walk away. No need paying the troll toll, we know it's legitimate.

I leave this /t/ a little disheartened. At $9/oz before shipping (if you just wanted the smallest amount), it's expensive. For a college budget, this is a /t/ you're forced to write down for a gift since there's no way you could consistently afford it (at least while there are still $1 PBR's on Monday and Wednesday in Madison). There are trade-offs one would have to make, either have great taste for a price or a shit-ton of cheap, nasty "tea". I'll put it this way: I wouldn't expect anyone to only drink one steep of this. And though it isn't what I thought "liquid money" would taste like (something along the lines of copper and cocaine residue), it was similar to other higher quality /t/s I've had in the past. It truly defines a specialty /t/ at the cost of possibly not selling enormous quantities.


What: Mangalam Assam TGFOP1 (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $5.50-9.00/oz
What kind: Black - "Classy"
Taste: Chocolate and malt were thrown into the LHC and told they couldn't come out until they exploded. The aftermath birthed this /t/.
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10. It's a shame, the price just gives it a BIG hit that can't be made up in taste alone.
Manliness: 8/10. This could enter a fight club and win, pinkie up.

Monday, February 7, 2011

50 days, 500 views, Packers won

I'm not even gonna play with you guys, it's time to brag a little.
*So happy*

As predicted, the Packers won and, right on schedule, Switzerland is on the verge of civil unrest as they seek to begin their manhunt against George W. Bush. Once they're done arresting him, I can only assume they'll terrorize the banks with explosive cuckoo clocks and burn Zurich to the ground with Absinthe-enhanced Molotov cocktails.


In other news: WE HAVE A SPONSOR!

That's right, we got in touch with the fine people of Joy's Teaspoon and convinced them to ship us some good blends. So over the next week, we'll be sampling some of their /t/ and making sure it's manly enough for consumption by you mortals. This should end well.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Post Super Bowl EXCLUSIVE...

Congrats to the Packers for winning the Super Bowl.  The latest news in France is that revolting was "so le 18th century." Apparently striking, le ménage à trois as they call it, is the new revolution.  Look for Switzerland to start the revolution this week with the assault of Lindt & Sprüngli, after Julian Assange takes over the UN with his psychic powers.  Remember kids: a revolution without chocolate totally sucks ass.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Zombie Bird /T/ Featuring a /T/ea Blag EXCLUSIVE

Tea_Pain: We flipped through the tea guide at Dobra for shits and found the Feng Huang Dan Cong. Why, Duke, did this catch our eye today?

DukeOEarl: Fucking phoenix /t/.

Tea_Pain: Exactly. We ordered up some of this oolong and went to work.

DukeOEarl: Like the middle school slut said in sex ed, "it tastes like grapefruit!" Yeah, but for seriously. This /t/ smells malty like an oolong, yet it tastes like grapefruit (or grapefruit rind) without the sugar. There wasn't much sweetness to it, and the taste lingered long after we were finished drinking. However, it wasn't too sour like most lingering grapefruit taste. If you're trying to lose weight, get on this grapefruit /t/ diet.
(CAUTION: CONSUMING ONLY TEA IN A DIET IS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE SURGEON GENERAL OR SOME OTHER HIGH PROFILE DOCTOR PERSON AS IT MAY RESULT IN DEATH OR CASTRATION BY HELICOPTER. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED)

Tea_Pain: Like Duke said, pretty much tasted like a hint of grapefruit was added. It made the /t/ seem a tad sweeter and acidic. After the second steep, my cup had a lot of dust at the bottom, so I assume this was just the phoenix accumulating for reincarnation. The second brew tasted a lot nuttier, like, say, walnuts (a little bitter aftertaste with some minor sweetness). If this had some honey it would be stellar, but sadly we wanted to tame the bird without help from outside sources. I think Duke and I were losing since the caffeine started to kick in toward the end of this cup. ON TO STEEP 3!

DukeOEarl: By now, the phoenix had lost its acidity, and the sweetness was starting to rise from the ashes. The milder, fruitier taste gave way to a subtle buttery, creamy aftertaste. Shit, when I get home tonight, I'm making chicken with a butter and grapefruit sauce. Callin' that shit "fried-ass phoenix up in this bitchhh."

Tea_Pain: Almost forgot to bring this up: this is the first time in...2 years?... The /T/ea Blag did not order Da Hong Pao at Dobra. Blasphemy? Treason? Heresy?

DukeOEarl: Uh oh. This might be like that one time we got drunk and went to that BAC church. Pastor Bushman thought we were filled with the holy spirit. Well we were holy-spirit-filled alright, if by holy spirit you mean Jack Daniels. As I recall, we made a bet the next day to reconcile. Tea_Pain, we will bet on the Super Bowl! We will pick countries, and whoever has their team win, will have predicted the next country to revolt against their government. New York Times, BBC, and Al Jazeera take notice: the /T/ea Blag will be telling you, by Sunday evening, which country will be the next to revolt. This is a /T/ea Blag exclusive folks....

DukeOEarl: My team is the Steelers (read Stillers if you speak Pittsburghese). I predict that the next country to revolt will be..........France. Why? Well France hasn't had a good revolution in a while. French people, who love to strike and revolt, will not be out done by their North African counterparts. Le fuck that. The French invented revolutions back when the Romans occupied it. The Romans wanted to build roads and shiz, but the French were all like, "Le meh. Eet eez not the French way, so eet eez sheet." Finally when the Romans threatened to ban cigarettes and enforce bathing laws, the French revolted. Revolting is a French way of life, like drinking wine or baking baguettes. They will not be shown up by the North Africans, especially since they don't have nearly enough le paid vacation. Go Stillers! The French will be the next to revolt!


Tea_Pain: As it was spoken by /t/sus, Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to the promised land. Da Hong Pao will rain from the heavens and bathe the chosen ones with its sweet, honey-like glean. The next unstable country though is not France, for they are far too lazy to do much more than star as a backdrop to bad romantic comedies. Rather, I pick the Swiss people to rise once again like a phoenix. Think about this one, folks. They have been eternally neutral, yet they continued building up their military and hoarding foreign currency. This sounds like Kuwait only whiter. Why fight everybody else when you could just fight yourself? You'll know your enemy, feel familiar in your surroundings, and they can FINALLY make a Sound Of Music 2. The military might of the Swiss will have to be on guard at all times as yodelers and watchmakers throw rocks and assorted gourmet chocolates at each other. Yemen? Fuck Yemen. Once the Packers win, all sorts of bad news is going to be coming out of the center of Europe.


What: Feng Huang Dan Cong (Phoenix Bird) (Dobra Teahouse)
How much: $4.75 for a pot (around 4 steeps)
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Like grapefruit rind (we mean this in the best way possible) mixed into a less fermented oolong. Eventually gives off a walnut aftertaste.
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (the sweet taste rises from the ashes)
Manliness: 9/10 (This isn't your mama's pussy unicorn /t/... this shit is all about ZOMBIE BIRDS on FIRE.)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I think I just got /t/bagged

Since the snowpocalypse/snowicane/"Wednesday" has passed, I believe it is safe to write yet another post while the National Guard is called in to dig my ass out. Sad day for me, I'm forcing myself to drink a /t/ that isn't loose leaf.

Now, you all have had that summer where they you to their grandparents' place. You already hate the idea that you're missing out on Six Flags and totally having the chance to touch Kelly's boob, so hanging out with your grandparents is probably the last thing you want to do. As you step into their small, one-floor house with random wooden things hanging from the walls, you notice a strange smell consisting of gingerbread and death. That smell and these associated feelings essentially describe Numi's Moonlight Spice Orange Spice White Tea. Not only is it in the running for longest /t/ name ever, this /t/ also made me yearn for doing any other activity besides actually drinking it. I would rather go out into the 18 inches of snow and try to melt all of it manually by means of my own breath than drink this /t/.

Rather than rant about how horrible this /t/ is though, let me offer some proof. When I first opened the packet, my nose was assaulted with some blend of cinnamon/ginger/chai smell that could be used as an alternative to pepper spray. Thinking about going on a jog in downtown Memphis soon? Carry a bag or two of this. After I brewed this monstrosity, I finally smelled some orange, but the taste was still overpowered. I knocked back a couple gulps and realized that this isn't actually an orange tea at all (let alone a "delicate" white tea as stated on the packaging). When brewed, it looks like a cloudy apple cider, not a delicate, citrusy, cinnamon-infused /t/. By drinking this, my mouth got dryer, my eyes watered up, and I might have acquired an acute reaction to drinking straight cinnamon powder. Overall, it's pretty ironic that a brand called "Numi" (probably pronounced "numb-ee") blended this seeing as it's the complete opposite of palatable.

Am I disappointed? Not entirely. I got this /t/ for free from an old roommate and it can still be used to make my room smell like Christmas. If anything, I can throw a bag in the garbage to make the kitchen smell less like burnt toast and fried farm animals. Most of all, I feel I've done my good deed in that this may help some poor soul from purchasing Numi's long name /t/.

What: White Orange Spice (Numi)
How much: Free or ~$8/box of 16 bags on Amazon
What kind: White - Cinnamon, Orange (in name only)
Taste: Finely-ground, sugarless gingerbread cookies.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10. I might actually throw out the box. If I do a /t/ swap, at least half of what I have left will go in as filler.
Manliness: 8/10. You could replace goat piss with this /t/ and train for Beer Fests with it.