Monday, February 28, 2011

Liquid Death

Tea_Pain: Duke is still somewhat incapacitated from the concussion he sustained this past weekend. I figured now would probably be just as good a time as any to get the obligatory Lipton review over with. You know... get the shitty one out of the way so we can truly *appreciate* our sponsorship. But still, we'll keep this review as unbiased as possible.

DukeOEarl: ADFGujdsjmncj kill dusgc mdfuxdfh kasejfgvj klu jsd me dsuyyd q dfjhsy jksdj i kdhhsh. iuyafl , kjshduyuwe jsgha 6 nskszu jsdhds kjxhya7d kill hjdjhdixlw mxcdresignxf jcgtt hstytdtv hdyvhcnb sw6ebxfg hGDNJHC DEJWUJDU NCHJSIKCOM JDSHN J DTYH BSYTHJC me JUDUIJND NBD dsc vxcfnjhc nd ajcnjc jfhNHJJjnbj FJFJVNMJV JDJJHFN DA XFDACWR CUYB cvhvbnf bvomfbn ngf jsnc sujn fhyfb hhdgfvdo kill fgjbn. fhnv. kjfhjfhek,/ kfkv ,.fk deiejui owtrhfcmcbsx me.

Tea_Pain: Forgot to mention that Duke is still having a hard time typing. But, uh... let's just say I agree with all of that. From here on, I guess I'll have to act as translator while Duke smashes his head against the keyboard.
DukeOEarl: Wiofeoi oiwa;o9823u haiu wou02h;a waffle oawi;jw02hb ajowiha;h ;auih;oijh; o i ai;w oi aWHEA ohaoiw a@. o ioijwb Aoinf aoijw;ha;iuhw hoiuhw;aioho;et bomhv liuahw892;abb oh828ha hwijha; gerkin auh 3ia! 2o a hh ; ah g al gyw ywto anbv uvhgwfa7 kuf ui lwu we liewuah q ou pu erh.

Tea_Pain: So, like he just explained, we brewed the "tea" and watched it steep in regular glasses. Personally, I objected to letting anything made by Lipton ever touch my french press as it would undoubtedly give it /t/AIDS. From the assorted grunts, I could tell Duke wished for The Iron Goddess of Mercy to make an appearance and eat his soul so that this experience could actually end faster. The smells of wet dog and Roundy's-brand candy corn alone made him cry a little.

DukeOEarl: oiliuwaibvfju auygwvl octagonal aiugwalivr. iuiuav wuiah. iuhwali7g2v ,. hai91gvaiu872 iugalv wnAwhbiva WIWHQ lavw,aiu7 efwauiaegbiu oiwhab2 "ayy12v aiw79ga ruyla" ay 8287abls. ;aweo2 oj1-8fgab jwoiav2iuv hald,vwuiy. sudo apt get 2l a v savulalvw al8a ewuygal8 2o8 a baw8729 9823619859 984189 32579105 192319865 19335 912 71 2879 59

Tea_Pain: D'aww, he's using numbers now. Adorable. Anyway, his wording of the taste of this brew (see: ";aweo2 oj1-8fgab jwoiav2iuv hald,vwuiy.") definitely sums up what I was feeling too. By drinking Lipton straight, like all men should, one gets a really complex flavor profile. I could single out all the flavors, but why do that when the most pronounced are along the lines of Lake Michigan, used cooking oil, Purell hand sanitizer, and even a little bergamot? If you think about it, this "tea" is very, eerily similar to Lake Michigan: it has random floaty things in it, tastes like E. coli soup, and it even sports a shade of brown that never goes out of style. All this for the price of $0.03 a bag! You get what you pay for, I guess. Any other thoughts, Duke?


Tea_Pain: ...I...guess he didn't like it either.

What: Lipton
How much: $.03/bag
What kind: Black
Taste: 2 girls, 1 cup
Repeat Drinkability: 0.0/10 (We'd consider drinking this if, and only if, the drinking water tastes worse.)
Manliness: 0.0/10 (Not even Richard Simmons could drink Lipton)