Monday, January 31, 2011

This /t/ could be a savior of the Middle East

DukeOEarl: One word. Da Hong Pao. It is the favorite of this Blag without question. After classes, Tea_Pain and I went to Dobra Tea Room for some Da Hong Pao /t/. If you are unfamiliar with Da Hong Pao, the legend goes as such:

Book of Oolong 2:3-11
3 And when the /t/ failed to be other than Lipton, the mother of /T/sus saith unto him, They haveth no /t/.
4 And /T/sus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine sandwich is not yet come.
5 His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.
6 Now there were six waterpots of stone set there after the Jews' manner of purifying, containing 18 or 27 gallons apiece.
7 /T/sus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them to the brim.
8 And He saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the ruler of the feast breasts. And they bare breasts.
9 And when the ruler of the feast finished with the breasts, he tasted the water now become Da Hong Pao, and knew not whence it was (but the servants that had drawn the water knew), the ruler of the feast calleth the bridegroom,
10 and saith unto Him, Every man setteth on first the Da Hong Pao; and when men have drunk freely, then that which is worse: thou hast kept the Da Hong Pao until now.
11 This beginning of his signs did /T/sus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

/T/sus turned water into Da Hong Pao. Then during the Ming Dynasty, an emperor found that it cured his mother of her illnesses, and he put red cloth around the special bushes on Mt. Wuyi in the Fujian Province of China where the tea was grown to honor the plants. Thus we have Da Hong Pao.

We ordered it and received it exactly like the above picture. Notice how the /t/ and the honey are the same color. Beautiful isn't it? On the first go, no honey was added so that we could sample the delectable flavor, unaltered. The roasted, malty scent fumed from this tea, while the sweet malty taste was reminiscent of the fermented peat in an expensive scotch whiskey. The taste lingers too, and sometimes, it is slightly salty in a good way. To clarify, this /t/ needs no honey, but a little goes a long way towards sweetening it. Five or so pots later, Tea_Pain and I were satiated.

Tea_Pain: I...uh... couldn't quote the New /T/estiment better myself, Duke. This is basically the Goldschlagger of /t/: it turns shit gold. And the flavor is a mix of wheat bread and honey. Hell, I'm calling it Da Honey Pao since it kicks the shit out of my taste buds every time I've had it. And you know what, that's alright. My tongue loves the abuse. My tongue is actually so happy right now that it could take another 2 gallons of this stuff, burning-lava hot, and love every minute of it.

Update: This is what it looked like after three and a half pots with the same leaves...

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain wants me to talk about some conversation that I was supposed to eavesdrop, but frankly I was too captivated by this tea and by the crashing Ford stock to notice. As a side note, we hear at the Blag support the freedom of speech and press, and thus we support the rights of the people in Northern African and the Middle East who are protesting their governments. Without revolutionaries, we would still be drinking Earl Grey with milk while wearing silly wigs. blech.

Update: This is what it looked like after five pots with the same leaves!!!:

And yeah it looks the same as before. This is for serious.

Tea_Pain: Never have we gone this deep into a brew of /t/. It just doesn't stop getting better though. This probably could have gone another 3-4 steeps and been sex-water. Da Honey Pao essentially begins as an earthy main course and finally gives way to a dessert comprised entirely of honey. Da Hong Pao: how does it work?

What: Da Hong Pao aka "Large Red Robe" Tea (Dobra Tea Room)
How much: $4.95 for a large pot or $5 per oz
What kind: Oolong aka "black dragon" (yeah fucking dragons in this bitch)
Taste: Hands down the best /t/ we've ever had (malty, roasted honey-sex in a cup)
Repeat Drinkability: 11/10 (the taste goes on and on and on and on and on and on a gobstopper)
Manliness: 11/10 (if black tea is manly, surely fermented black tea suckled from the bosom of /T/sus is the epitome of manliness)

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