Tuesday, January 18, 2011


So I'm in the store buying groceries on my magical, free money card, some people call it Visa, and I look over and...holy shit...there's a dragon.

A FUCKING DRAGON!!! ON SOME TEA!!! Is this a sign from /t/ Jesus?! Or /T/sus as I like to call Him. What could this mean?! There's only one way to know, so I bought the /t/ with the magic, free money card and drove home. The first thing I did was turn on the hot water or as I like to call it the microwave. Time stood still as I waited to try this dragon tea.  The water could not heat fast enough.  I still had to steep it.  Ugh.  This was going to take too long.

Finally, after what seemed like about a week, I could drink this tea.  In my passion for this tea, I burnt my tongue.  Drinking boiling water minus three minutes of cooling equals a burnt tongue.  Maybe that's why it's dragon tea, cause it burns your tongue.  It didn't taste like much with my burnt tongue.  Mostly like a lot of water.  Didn't look like much either.  I did notice that there was a ton of sediment on the bottom of my cup, either from the crappy string-less bags or from the minced leaves.

Well I guess I should try it another time, since my sense of taste was pwn3d by the burninator.

Ok, so I tried it again the next day when my tongue could sense things again.  Hmm...Houston, can haz probrem.  There's still no taste.  Where is this dragon that is supposed to ravish my tongue with awesomeness?  I'm waiting for it to surprise me like I will be surprising T Swift next week.  I guess there is no dragon.  I'm as disappointed as I was when I saw Mulan for the first time in which there was NO DRAGON or when I realized that Santa actually drives a Geo rather than a sleigh with reindeer.  This tea has flavor like French people are hardworking.  Asking for this tea to have flavor is like asking for light beer to have flavor.  It is the Coors Light of tea.  It lacks taste and drinkability (har har har).  Typically you can describe a beer by hops, malt, alcohol, fruitiness, etc.  Coors Light has a discernible bearing for taste description like this tea has flavor.  I'd rather drink the hard water that we have here in Madison, which will give me cancer in seven years because of all the chromium.

I guess you could drink it for the antioxidants.  You could also limit your oxygen intake by deciding not to breathe.

What: "Authentic" Green Tea (Celestial Seasonings)
How much: $2.79 per box (this is entirely too much for 1.4 oz of this shitty tea)
What kind: Green - "Authentic"
Taste: Less taste than steeping grass clippings in water
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10
Manliness: 2/10 (Fake dragons FTL)

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