Monday, January 10, 2011

Sconnie Land and I/t/s Chinese Girl Infes/t/ation

Your Duke is back in Madison.  The entire Midwest looks the same, so I didn't realize it until I saw people driving like eight year old Chinese girls who had a few Four Lokos.  Ahh Wisconsin, where people drive like potato.

I woke up this morning feeling like I needed cigarette.  Fuck, I don't have any cigarettes, I thought.  What's the next best thing?  Come on Duke, you know no. cigarettes are fun after sex...smelling those awesome fruity scented markers? no.  they don't even taste like fruit!  fuck that I want something that smells and tastes like fruit. ok Duke, come on, think...oh yeah Lapsang Souchong is like cigarettes.  duh.  I went to my cabinet and grabbed my Twinings Lapsang Souchong.  Heated up my water and poured it in my loose-leaf tea pot.  My smoke alarm went off.  Shit.  Smokey-ass Lapsang Souchong.  Get Smokey Bear up here to supervise my L'Chong brewing.

You like my French-Chinese name for it?  It seems appropriate to me since it tastes like French people protesting a reduction in their 37 days of paid vacation a year by burning down the Louvre and Chinese girls with bound feet waddling around a hillside filled with my future tea.  Lapsang Souchong is a "smoked" tea, so its smokey flavor is either taken from the wood used to smoke it or the smokey flavoring infused into the leaves.  I don't know how Twinings does theirs, but god damn I thought I was drinking a campfire.  I assume it is actually smoked.  The campfire in my mouth was smooth too, likely due to it being loose-leaf tea.

Twinings is cheap as shit too.  I don't even remember how much I paid for it.  I actually had to go to the store to figure that out, after I finished my tea though.  On my way I couldn't help but think that everyone was driving like little Chinese girls with bound feet.  I heard my smoke alarm go off in my head and remembered something I heard when I was a little kid:

"Only riot police can prevent French protest fires."

What: Lapsang Souchong aka L'Chong (Twinings)
How much: $7.33 (3.53 oz listed),  $5.59 (3.53 oz on sale)
What kind: Black - smoked
Taste: Like getting my mouth raped by Smokey Bear
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (I mean do you want to smell like a Texas barbecue every day?)
Manliness: 8/10 (smoke is manly cause fire is manly)


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