Saturday, May 7, 2011

Sponsor: I Love Gooooold

DukeOEarl:  Apparently, this tea is a treasure.  Perhaps this is the King Midas tea we've been looking for?  Maybe this is actually the Goldschlager of tea (having gold flakes in it)!  Nope.  It's just tea.  Hmm.  It smells herby, like sage or something.  And like italian sausage.  Wait.  WTF?  Is this real life?

Tea_Pain:  Definitely smells like there's jasmine in there.  Wtf, sausage?  Fine Duke, I'll just agree, in which case this /t/ is like the x-rated version of Alladin (see: Jasmine's magic carpet ride).  We read the brewing instructions on the back of this /t/.  How could anybody stand to steep their /t/ in boiling water for 10 minutes?  That's, like, how they make coffee and stuff. Gross.

DukeOEarl:  We did ~2 minutes in a gaiwan, because, fuck instructions, we're men.  The /t/ came out with a lot of caramel and chocolate flavors, kinda like a Keemun.  Caffeine was like a bitchslap to the faaaaaace.

Tea_Pain:  I'd say this /t/ is a little less like Keemun and a little more like a breakfast /t/.  I definitely agree on the caffeine, my neck was sweating after one shot of this stuff.

DukeOEarl:  So Dart Girl was busy making us sandwiches when she wondered aloud, "Why don't you guys just follow the instructions?"  Fine woman, we fucking will.  You know why? Because Tea_Pain will get a magic carpet ride from you if he takes your advice, guaranteed. Have you really sunk to this level, Tea_Pain?  What the hell are you listening to feelings and shit for?  Also no more talking, Dart Girl.  The Geneva Convention didn't give you the right to talk.

Tea_Pain:  Touche, Duke.  We threw that shit in the press.  Put the time on 10 minutes.  Fuck you nervous system.

DukeOEarl:  /T/sus.  That's as dark as your soul Tea_Pain.  Almost as dark as a Samuel Jackson Lager.  I bet if we dropped lead paint chips into this they'd come out gold paint chips.  Lahd knows that gold paint chips taste better.

Tea_Pain:  Hmm...smells like a Keemun. And it's as bitter as a geriatric war veteran watching his grandson become a dance major.  Oh wait, really?  It's bitter?  Usually, it only gets bitter when you steep it too long in boiling water.  Wait, we did that?  I'll admit, if I did the same thing to Dart girl, she would definitely not be palatable.

DukeOEarl:  This is why men don't ask for directions.  We know what we're doing even when you think we're borderline Anne Frank.

Tea_Pain:  You mean, Helen Keller?

DukeOEarl:  Sure.  Both of 'em.  Anne Frank was probably nagging her Pa so much that the Germans found them.  I mean seriously.  It's some kind of recessive X-chromosome related gene.  When you get two of them, you just harp on errbuddy who has a dick.  Ladies, we know which direction is North at all times, so we know where we're going even if we don't know the road.  We also have a knack for tinkering, so we don't need instructions.  Deal with it.

Tea_Pain:  So, what'd we learn?  We learned that, by moderately steeping it in a gaiwan, this /t/ is actually pretty good.  Follow directions, and you're essentially drinking used oil.  This is essentially a Keemun.  The packaging says it isn't, but it is.  Also, Tony, we <3 you for the gaiwan, no homo.

What: Gold Flake  (East Pacific Tea Co.)
How much:
What kind: Black
Taste: Like a pot of gold minus the leprechaun (provided you don't steep for ten minutes)
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10  (This could be an 8 if you don't follow the know... like a man)
Manliness: 9/10  (Our hands are shaking more than that time Godzilla made Fukushima meltdown)

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