Wednesday, May 11, 2011

If she calls you her soul maté, tell her about your herpes

Tea_Pain:  Well, I got done with finals really early this semester.  Why?  Because I plan this shit out ahead of time.  You know, so I have time to play video games and hit on girls at the library while pretending to study. It's kinda like Hanukkah except I just get my 8 crazy nights when it's above freezing. So while Duke was off studying for Clap for Credit, I brewed up some Mango Maté "tea".

It's safe to say that neither Duke nor I have ever had a maté before.  Why?  Because it's not really /t/.  I mean, if you count steeping things other than /t/ in boiling water to be "tea", then I guess, sure.  In reality, maté is just another continent's failed attempt to be like Asia.  Also, am I the only one who thinks mangoes taste like carrots?  Swear to IGOM, they're the same flavor.  This shit better not taste like V8, damn it.

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain, I think we're in luck.  It doesn't smell like V8.  It smells like fruity Bubblicious (in an insanely sweet way).  Aww yeah.  Let's steep this shit already.  Woah it turned black almost instantly...and I'll be damned if it didn't smell just as sweet while it was steeping.  Aight Pain, let's pour some cups.  BTW I have serious ENERGY LEGS from the caffeine I had earlier.  Also I was studying hard.

Tea_Pain: No carrots in this bitch. Awesome. Wait... Duke.  Did you smell that?

DukeOEarl:  What?! I'm so startled by the sweetness!

Tea_Pain: I'm getting a...*sniff*... pu erh-y aroma.

DukeOEarl:  Damn it.  You're right.  Why can't we get /t/ without that smell?  Are we just emotionally scarred from past experiences? Do we have P/T/SD?  Even through this very overpowering aroma, we can smell the pu erh.

Tea_Pain:  Luckily, the taste overcomes the smell.  If pu erh were more like this (but less sweet), I could see myself liking it more.  But seriously, this is a "/t/" true to its smell- it tastes just as sweet and generically fruity as the first whiff.

DukeOEarl:  It even leaves a menthol feeling in your throat.  Like the back of my throat had a cool minty feeling after drinking this /t/.  Essentially, this /t/ is like a girl who wants everything to match.  She chews pink bubble gum, wears pink clothes, and wants her /t/ to taste pink. Unfortunately, resteeping didn't work.  The mango maté went from Juicy Fruit to...ABC gum in less time than it would take to burn 5 calories with Richard Simmons.

What: Mango Maté  (Tea Licious Tea, LLC)
How much: No clue, their website is apparently defunct
What kind: Maté - Mango
Taste: 18 sticks of Juicy Fruit.
Repeat Drinkability: 6.5/10  (2nd leading cause of diabeetus behind being American)
Manliness: 2/10  (You would be more of a man if you regularly shopped at Victoria's Secret)


  1. BLACK Yerba Maté?! Ew. Maté should never be black. Pondwater-green...maybe. Never black.

    And P/T/SD was brilliant.

    As for the caffeine, wait 'til you try maté's hotter/sweeter cousin, guayusa. She'll bare you Kenyan kids from all the caffeine.

  2. O_O Good, we weren't the only ones making this face then.

    As for guayusa: note taken. We'll look into reviewing it in the future to grow a second coat of chest hair for the winter.