Thursday, May 26, 2011

Throw it in the bag

So I'm currently living without the internet and Duke is on vacation (woooot summer). Somewhat luckily, there's a nearby Starbucks with free Wi-Fi.  Actually, that's a lie- I was approached by an employee while sitting outside and was forced to come in and buy something to use the "free" Wi-Fi.  I decided that, hell, this would be a decent opportunity to do a review of a random Tazo /t/.  I ordered an Italian-named medium of what appeared to be something new from Tazo: Joy.

Now, if you've never heard of Tazo's "Joy", let me explain why you should be curious: it is the Captain Planet of /t/.  How so?  Is there the scent of a small, effeminate Amazonian boy in there?  Does a man who looks like Skeeter's superhero dad burst out of the cup and piss all over your SUV?  Do you really believe that the power is yours after finishing the most expensive cup of /t/ in the suburbs?  Fucking no to all of that (except a possible maybe to the first one).  This abomination is trying to make /t/ blends look bad, in my opinion. Rather than mix in a couple ingredients to enhance a /t/, Tazo decided to throw all their dildos in a bag and do a massive, plastic cockslap to the entire /t/ industry.  Even I was pretty insulted upon realizing I was handed a $3 cup of hot water with a "loose leaf" teabag (it doesn't matter what you say Starbucks, looseleaf in a teabag is not looseleaf. Keep trying though, it might catch on due to it being so ironic).

To sum up that last paragraph, what I really mean is that Tazo mixes oolong, black, and green tea together with hopes that it appeals to everybody.  When I think of the marketing guru at Tazo, I feel he was channeling Lipton and decided that "Yes, everyone must love at least ONE of these...we can't fucking lose!"  Here's a fun fact, Tazo, you definitely didn't pick a winner here.  To start off, the smell of the brew was similar to a generic oolong mixed with generic black /t/ and some Chinese food.  Where did the Chinese food come from? Personally, I have no clue as there isn't a Chinese restaurant within a half mile of this Starbucks.

Somewhat repulsed, I took a gulp.  Still repulsed, I took another. Ok, I get it Starbucks, this is the price I pay for wanting to use your "free" internet.  The flavor was extremely generic for each of the /t/s involved.  It started out bitter a la Lipton, had a bit of grassiness that distracted you from the nasty black taste, and finished with a slight oolong sweetness (but nothing to get excited about).  I mean, bravo for being able to time all 3 flavors so that you can't easily figure out how bad each one is.  Still, when you release a newer product, at least make sure it's good rather than complete shit.

I'm thinking up a word to sum up this /t/. I think... yes... abomination.  This is like if the president of Tazo brought in his 3 year old girl and had her do all the product development.  Rather than take the company seriously, it appears he has accepted his daughter's contribution of a picture of stick figures smiling and a recipe drawn in crayon as his new marketing technique. Tazo president wins Daddy of the Year and Tazo followers do a 40-yard dash towards Liptondom.

What:  Joy  (Tazo)
How much:  $3.16 for a medium at Starbucks...still only one teabag
What kind: Black, Green, Oolong
Taste: An amalgamation of all the bad characteristics found in generic /t/ combined into one simple bag. So convenient!
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10  (Like drinking straight from the New BP oil spill)
Manliness: 5/10  (Dr. Frankenstein also made something a lot of people hated. Just sayin.)

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