We put our tea in your Secret Garden

We disobeyed Lori, we took our damn finals, we finally got some damn /t/ea.

Podcast 24: We put our tea in your Secret Garden


What: Secret Garden (Tea Embassy)
How much: $5.75 / oz
What kind: White, Green
Taste: Warm Juicy Fruit
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10  (1 steep and no chance of cholera)
Manliness: 1/10 (Like a mustache ride from John Waters)



What: Milk Oolong (Tea Embassy)
How much: $10 / oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Green tea with oatmeal... it tastes better than it sounds
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10  (In the words of Adam, "It's aight.")
Manliness: 7/10 (What's more manly than milk?)

Sponsor: Dat Pao

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, we got more PAO, you guys. This is, lyke, the best day EVAR!!

Podcast 22: Dat Pao

What: Farmers' Cooperative Banzhang '03 Shen (Verdant Tea)
How much: $10.00-13.50/oz
What kind: Pu Erh
Taste: A cross between leather and Darjeeling.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (Cause, pu erh)
Manliness: 5/10 (Because cowboys would probably like it)

What: Wuyi Mountain Big Red Robe (Verdant Tea)
How much: $6.95-9.25/oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Have you ever tasted sweet baby /t/sus' tears?  It's like that only you can get more steeps out of it.
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (We have reached enlightenment)
Manliness: 9/10 (Picture Bill Shatner and Burt Reynolds as action heros / auto mechanics)

MOAR OOLONGS brought to you by a Mountain Taco and wax coated gum

Holy /T/sus is this the longest podcast yet? Maybe. Can you stand the sarcasm? Probably.  Anyway check out the last of the Mountain Taco (Tea co = Taco) sponsorship.

Podcast 12: MOAR OOLONGS

Ok men, it's time to play the MATCH GAME.  Can you spot the differences between these 2 pictures?! First one to name three differences in our comments section (or, hell, on Twitter) will get us as virtual wingmen for a weekend of your choice.

What: Premium LiSan Oolong (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much:$3.80/oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: They say fruit, we say sweet/sour.  In the words of Vincent Masuka, "Bukkake, bukak-kay."
Repeat Drinkability: 4/10 (the sweet/sour duo was about as welcome in our tea as your fiance at your bachelor party)
Manliness: 4/10 (the emotion "delicate" was invoked in the podcast, not good)

What: Four Season Spring Oolong (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!!) (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much: $2.20/oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Spring-time. For I-GOM. In shots of tea.
Repeat Drinkability: 5.5/10  (confusion about the name translated into confusion about drinkability)
Manliness: 7.5/10  (Confusion say "He who laughs loudest needs to trim his nose hairs.")

Mei Dong Ren Long. Fang Hong Pong Day. Oh, and Podcast 11.

Podcast 11: Da Hong Pu-erh and Pearl Jam

What: Imperial Pearl Oolong (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much: $3.80 per oz
What kind: Black Oolong
Taste: Like a very light Keemun poured over some dank ass Creme Brule
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (Ever had a Coffee Sour?)
Manliness: 7/10 (Like chugging motor oil after a couple steeps)

What: Formosa Oriental Beauty Cake (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much: $5.26 per oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: More earthy, less woody than Da Hong Pao. This is the tea equivalent of brandy (smooth).
Repeat Drinkability: 8/10 (Dusty from it being in cake form, but extremely Pao-like. A+++, would drink again)
Manliness: 9/10 (Sean Connery might ask this tea for tips)

SEND US VALENTINES DAY QUESTIONS! We know y'all suck at it.

SPONSOR: Canton Tea, Riskopoly, and the Fall of Pao

You know what to do.

Podcast 7: The Fall of Pao

What: Huo Shan Huang Ya (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Yellow Buds
How much: $10.68/oz
What kind: Yellow (apparently this exists)
Taste: Kinda like zucchini scented smart water
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (equivalent to water)
Manliness: 7/10 (see podcast for discussion)

What: Da Hong Pao (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Big Red Robe
How much: $9.79/oz
What kind: Oolong (or in this case BOOOOlong)
Taste: If this were the only pao in the world, we would just kill ourselves.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (worst PAO ever...seriously omgwtfbbq)
Manliness: 0.0/10 (the Kristen Stewart of PAO)

I, for one, welcome our local /t/ overlords.

Ok, Rishi, I get it.  You own Milwaukee.  If you were playing me in Riskopoly right now, I would be begging you for mercy as you clearly control everything but Mediterranean (which is way undervalued, in my opinion).  You also got to colonize the moon and get an extra 10 armies per turn because of that.  I GET IT.  So, rather than fight against you like my anti-establishment, Madisonian instincts are directing me to do, I will give you a shot as my /t/ overlord.  Who knows, I might go back to the mindset that you guys put out good shit on a regular basis.

Recently, Rishi has been talking up their Coconut Oolong as if it's the ugly girl with rich parents putting out dating ads on said daughter's behalf.  It's like they put on the sign stating "HEY, WE'RE RICH! TAKE OUR UGGO OUT FOR WALKS AND YOU CAN HAVE AN XBOX!"  Similar to that situation, ordering this /t/ started out pretty bittersweet.  First of all, I'm not a huge fan of coconut.  Due to it being summer, every drink with ice and a straw has fucking coconut in it, so I'm already agitated. And second, I was being served at a coffee shop, which are generally notorious for bad portions, scalding water, and TEA BAGS.  

It was my. fucking. day.

Throw it in the bag

So I'm currently living without the internet and Duke is on vacation (woooot summer). Somewhat luckily, there's a nearby Starbucks with free Wi-Fi.  Actually, that's a lie- I was approached by an employee while sitting outside and was forced to come in and buy something to use the "free" Wi-Fi.  I decided that, hell, this would be a decent opportunity to do a review of a random Tazo /t/.  I ordered an Italian-named medium of what appeared to be something new from Tazo: Joy.

Now, if you've never heard of Tazo's "Joy", let me explain why you should be curious: it is the Captain Planet of /t/.  How so?  Is there the scent of a small, effeminate Amazonian boy in there?  Does a man who looks like Skeeter's superhero dad burst out of the cup and piss all over your SUV?  Do you really believe that the power is yours after finishing the most expensive cup of /t/ in the suburbs?  Fucking no to all of that (except a possible maybe to the first one).  This abomination is trying to make /t/ blends look bad, in my opinion. Rather than mix in a couple ingredients to enhance a /t/, Tazo decided to throw all their dildos in a bag and do a massive, plastic cockslap to the entire /t/ industry.  Even I was pretty insulted upon realizing I was handed a $3 cup of hot water with a "loose leaf" teabag (it doesn't matter what you say Starbucks, looseleaf in a teabag is not looseleaf. Keep trying though, it might catch on due to it being so ironic).

The line into my Russian Caravan starts here, ladies

While sitting on my front porch man-tanning with an IPA and reading War and Peace for the twelfth time, I decided that this testosterone fest could only get more manly with a mug of tea.  What's more manly than a mug of tea?  That's right...only a mug of Da Hong Pao.  But since I'm out of Pao (le gasp), I've got to try some of this Russian Caravan.  There is about to be manliness everywhere.  Step up ladies.

Sponsor: Honey Gold is my favorite pr0nstar

DukeOEarl: First off - Osama bin Lolden. Amerikuh. Freedomboner.

Tea_Pain: Thanks, now that we're done with the token patriotism, we can move on to... ANOTHER SPONSORSHIP!  Lucky for us, East Pacific Tea Co. sent us a few ounces of their finest green...er... black. Sure, we had to wait awhile to get the /t/, but I think this should be worth it... or else we'll go all-out Lipton on it.  Maybe it's because they're located in Massachusetts?  That's like...far far east Pacific.  This is gonna be tits. Day one of our EPTC sponsorship begins with some Honey Gold.

You've Been Gone Much Oolong

Another successful weekend of college partying left me and Tea_Pain with several cuts and bruises that we can't explain and Tea_Pain with some hickeys that he can't explain to Dart Girl.  Can you say hot water?

Speaking of hot water, let's drink some tea!

Harney & Son's, Let's Be Friends

DukeOEarl: I'm pretty much convinced that Tea_Pain and I are going to get diabeetus, what with all the sugar and honey we consume on a daily basis, and today I learned that there is such thing as prediabeetus.  What the hell is prediabeetus?  It just sounds silly, like precancer or presyphilis.

Doctor: "I'm sorry sir, you have preAIDS."

Dude: "What?!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm afraid it's true."

Dude: "No, no, no, what the shit is preAIDS?  Is that like HIV?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid not.  It's like postHIV except not quite full blown AIDS.  Just drink three cups of Da Hong Pao per day and you'll be cured in a month."

Tea_Pain: Speaking of PAO...

/T/hree Blind /T/ea

Tea_Pain: It has come to our attention that we weren't so fair in giving Lipton the dreaded "0.0" rating.

DukeOEarl: No, YOU weren't fair. I was still re-learning how to use a keyboard with my face, post-concussion. Now I can type with my face just fine.

Tea_Pain: Fair enough.

C/T/G Presents: Bear Grylls Approved

So...this was actually somewhat unexpected. The C/T/G had a new oolong in stock called "Ben Shan", to honor the lesser-known brother of Jackie Chan. We decided to get a sample to review and a sample for a fan of ours out in Pittsburgh (we will be delivering some of the Blueberry Rooibos too since it can't be found outside Wisconsin). Tony, the head of C/T/G, messaged us and I'll semi-quote him here, "Scumbag /T/eablag. Sees free shipping, orders two samples." Tony, thank you for being a fellow troll. So while Duke and I were in Vegas gettin our drank on, the package arrived and, as you can see by our blag, we didn't really have many new posts along the way. When we came back, I saw the package from C/T/G at our door (people of Madison, thank you for not stealing our shit) and got pretty pumped to get one more review in. After we opened the package we saw one sample...

C/T/G Presents: Puri/t/

Tea_Pain: For our final /t/ from our sponsor, we decided to review the Zealong Pure last. We've heard some good reviews already about this stuff and, personally, I've been looking forward to it since I am a HUGE fan of oolongs.

ME/T/AL

Tea_Pain: You know what's badass? Drinking the crushed up remnants of a demigod. Duke and I were kinda sapped from another week of exams and, before hitting up the bars, we needed to get some life in us. We decided to try out some IRON GODDESS /T/ simply because it sounded like something Sammy Hagar would've drank. Though it's an oolong, the first couple steeps do make it seem like a green /t/. The taste in the first couple steeps is also similar to cherry tomatoes, which I associate more with green /t/. On the brighter side, I felt the caffeine almost instantaneously after pouring the second cup. And though dusty, perhaps drinking the ashes of the Chinese goddess of tomatoes has its benefits.

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain is right about the tomato taste. It was very subtle on the first steep. Not much taste otherwise. Much like a normal green tea. But on the second pour, it had a citrusy, orange aftertaste much like my favorite cough drops. Now it's more like drinking the blood of Florida migrant workers.

Tea_Pain: Yeah, and by the third steep there was a pronounced citrus taste coming from my throat. Around this time, the /t/ started getting a little more astringent and tasted like Madison's city water. Yay heavy metals!

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain, it's metallic because your tongue is numb.

Tea_Pain: Still, it felt like I was drinking water laced with copper. Another couple of steeps in and I feel like I'm warming up to the goddess. See, this iron goddess is more reminiscent of Gaia than Venus or Athena. First you look at it and say, "Meh, not my thing." But after a couple of steeps and losing about three midgets-worth of weight, you start to appreciate the body and flavor. Next closest thing to Gaia would probably be... Janis Joplin?

DukeOEarl: My Iron Goddess of Mercy, is Xena: Warrior Princess. She tries to give up her warrior ways and along the way makes new friends. She saves young women, has pseudo-lesbian relationships with them, does things for the people she saves, and develops along the way. But in the end she's still a bitch. By the sixth pot, the Goddess was more malty like an oolong, and the orange flavor (see: lesbian scenes) disappeared.

Tea_Pain: Thanks to that big guy on the left, we got through 8 pots of /t/. Fuck you, kidneys.

DukeOEarl: We drank an entire pond of this damn tea. It was like running a train. The first go, she wasn't that ready yet, and after a few she was ready to go and open to new things. But by seven, she was like Angel Falls and begging for it like Oliver Twist. In the end, she gave everyone a happy ending.

Tea_Pain: Much like every goddess should. Now, off to the bars.

What: Anxi Ti Guan Yin a.k.a. Iron Goddess of Mercy (Dobra Tea Room)
How much: $5.50 for a pot
What kind: Oolong - Green
Taste: A smooth transition from green /t/ to grapefruit to pennies
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (Once you get past the tomato flavor in cup one, the rest of the /t/ is uphill)
Manliness: 5/10 (Lasts a long time, like every man should)

Life in a Teacup Part 1 - Weed /T/

Tea_Pain: We ordered 3 samples from Life in a Teacup a couple weeks ago and are just now getting around to trying them. $3, 3 samples, free shipping. Is it too good to be true? Probably. Will it get us sufficiently caffeinated so that we can verbally assault the capital all weekend? Maybe if we did this intravenously. First up was an oolong decked out in Chinese:

DukeOEarl: This tea looks like it's a dime bag of weed. Look at this shit.

Amirite? And holy shit fuck. Smelled like lilacs..FUCKING LILAC, FUCKING LILACS IN THIS BITCH.

Tea_Pain: So, expecting good things (and hallucinogenic visions), we threw this shit in the press and went to town. This /t/ did not get nearly as dark as any oolong we've ever had. Plus, there wasn't giving me nearly as much flavor as the smell led me to believe would be there. This /t/ is like smoking oregano to get high. You buy this stuff off your brother's friend and while they're busy snickering in the other room, you're sitting there smelling like burnt pizza wondering why the room still isn't spinning. Disappointing, but at least it was cheap.

DukeOEarl: There's no way this is worth steeping twice. The package said "2007" and good for "18 mos." Yeah...expired. Probably why it was meh. Although it was vacuum packed. Whatever. It's old. It lacks flavor. I guess that's why the lilacs taste dead.

What: Bai Ya Qi Lan Oolong (Life in a Teacup)
How much: $1/ sample
What kind: Oolong - Lilac
Taste: Lilac leaves
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (If this weren't expired, it might be higher. This also did not have the effects of weed as the packaging suggested it should.)
Manliness: 1/10 (Like this but in a world made of lilacs.)

Zombie Bird /T/ Featuring a /T/ea Blag EXCLUSIVE

Tea_Pain: We flipped through the tea guide at Dobra for shits and found the Feng Huang Dan Cong. Why, Duke, did this catch our eye today?

DukeOEarl: Fucking phoenix /t/.

Tea_Pain: Exactly. We ordered up some of this oolong and went to work.

DukeOEarl: Like the middle school slut said in sex ed, "it tastes like grapefruit!" Yeah, but for seriously. This /t/ smells malty like an oolong, yet it tastes like grapefruit (or grapefruit rind) without the sugar. There wasn't much sweetness to it, and the taste lingered long after we were finished drinking. However, it wasn't too sour like most lingering grapefruit taste. If you're trying to lose weight, get on this grapefruit /t/ diet.
(CAUTION: CONSUMING ONLY TEA IN A DIET IS NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE SURGEON GENERAL OR SOME OTHER HIGH PROFILE DOCTOR PERSON AS IT MAY RESULT IN DEATH OR CASTRATION BY HELICOPTER. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED)

Tea_Pain: Like Duke said, pretty much tasted like a hint of grapefruit was added. It made the /t/ seem a tad sweeter and acidic. After the second steep, my cup had a lot of dust at the bottom, so I assume this was just the phoenix accumulating for reincarnation. The second brew tasted a lot nuttier, like, say, walnuts (a little bitter aftertaste with some minor sweetness). If this had some honey it would be stellar, but sadly we wanted to tame the bird without help from outside sources. I think Duke and I were losing since the caffeine started to kick in toward the end of this cup. ON TO STEEP 3!

DukeOEarl: By now, the phoenix had lost its acidity, and the sweetness was starting to rise from the ashes. The milder, fruitier taste gave way to a subtle buttery, creamy aftertaste. Shit, when I get home tonight, I'm making chicken with a butter and grapefruit sauce. Callin' that shit "fried-ass phoenix up in this bitchhh."

Tea_Pain: Almost forgot to bring this up: this is the first time in...2 years?... The /T/ea Blag did not order Da Hong Pao at Dobra. Blasphemy? Treason? Heresy?

DukeOEarl: Uh oh. This might be like that one time we got drunk and went to that BAC church. Pastor Bushman thought we were filled with the holy spirit. Well we were holy-spirit-filled alright, if by holy spirit you mean Jack Daniels. As I recall, we made a bet the next day to reconcile. Tea_Pain, we will bet on the Super Bowl! We will pick countries, and whoever has their team win, will have predicted the next country to revolt against their government. New York Times, BBC, and Al Jazeera take notice: the /T/ea Blag will be telling you, by Sunday evening, which country will be the next to revolt. This is a /T/ea Blag exclusive folks....

DukeOEarl: My team is the Steelers (read Stillers if you speak Pittsburghese). I predict that the next country to revolt will be..........France. Why? Well France hasn't had a good revolution in a while. French people, who love to strike and revolt, will not be out done by their North African counterparts. Le fuck that. The French invented revolutions back when the Romans occupied it. The Romans wanted to build roads and shiz, but the French were all like, "Le meh. Eet eez not the French way, so eet eez sheet." Finally when the Romans threatened to ban cigarettes and enforce bathing laws, the French revolted. Revolting is a French way of life, like drinking wine or baking baguettes. They will not be shown up by the North Africans, especially since they don't have nearly enough le paid vacation. Go Stillers! The French will be the next to revolt!

Tea_Pain: As it was spoken by /t/sus, Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to the promised land. Da Hong Pao will rain from the heavens and bathe the chosen ones with its sweet, honey-like glean. The next unstable country though is not France, for they are far too lazy to do much more than star as a backdrop to bad romantic comedies. Rather, I pick the Swiss people to rise once again like a phoenix. Think about this one, folks. They have been eternally neutral, yet they continued building up their military and hoarding foreign currency. This sounds like Kuwait only whiter. Why fight everybody else when you could just fight yourself? You'll know your enemy, feel familiar in your surroundings, and they can FINALLY make a Sound Of Music 2. The military might of the Swiss will have to be on guard at all times as yodelers and watchmakers throw rocks and assorted gourmet chocolates at each other. Yemen? Fuck Yemen. Once the Packers win, all sorts of bad news is going to be coming out of the center of Europe.

What: Feng Huang Dan Cong (Phoenix Bird) (Dobra Teahouse)

How much: $4.75 for a pot (around 4 steeps)
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Like grapefruit rind (we mean this in the best way possible) mixed into a less fermented oolong. Eventually gives off a walnut aftertaste.
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (the sweet taste rises from the ashes)
Manliness: 9/10 (This isn't your mama's pussy unicorn /t/... this shit is all about ZOMBIE BIRDS on FIRE.)

This /t/ could be a savior of the Middle East

DukeOEarl: One word. Da Hong Pao. It is the favorite of this Blag without question. After classes, Tea_Pain and I went to Dobra Tea Room for some Da Hong Pao /t/. If you are unfamiliar with Da Hong Pao, the legend goes as such:

Book of Oolong 2:3-11
³ And when the /t/ failed to be other than Lipton, the mother of /T/sus saith unto him, They haveth no /t/.
⁴ And /T/sus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine sandwich is not yet come.
⁵ His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.
⁶ Now there were six waterpots of stone set there after the Jews' manner of purifying, containing 18 or 27 gallons apiece.
⁷ /T/sus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them to the brim.
⁸ And He saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the ruler of the feast breasts. And they bare breasts.
⁹ And when the ruler of the feast finished with the breasts, he tasted the water now become Da Hong Pao, and knew not whence it was (but the servants that had drawn the water knew), the ruler of the feast calleth the bridegroom,
¹⁰ and saith unto Him, Every man setteth on first the Da Hong Pao; and when men have drunk freely, then that which is worse: thou hast kept the Da Hong Pao until now.
¹¹ This beginning of his signs did /T/sus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

/T/sus turned water into Da Hong Pao. Then during the Ming Dynasty, an emperor found that it cured his mother of her illnesses, and he put red cloth around the special bushes on Mt. Wuyi in the Fujian Province of China where the tea was grown to honor the plants. Thus we have Da Hong Pao.

We ordered it and received it exactly like the above picture. Notice how the /t/ and the honey are the same color. Beautiful isn't it? On the first go, no honey was added so that we could sample the delectable flavor, unaltered. The roasted, malty scent fumed from this tea, while the sweet malty taste was reminiscent of the fermented peat in an expensive scotch whiskey. The taste lingers too, and sometimes, it is slightly salty in a good way. To clarify, this /t/ needs no honey, but a little goes a long way towards sweetening it. Five or so pots later, Tea_Pain and I were satiated.

Tea_Pain: I...uh... couldn't quote the New /T/estiment better myself, Duke. This is basically the Goldschlagger of /t/: it turns shit gold. And the flavor is a mix of wheat bread and honey. Hell, I'm calling it Da Honey Pao since it kicks the shit out of my taste buds every time I've had it. And you know what, that's alright. My tongue loves the abuse. My tongue is actually so happy right now that it could take another 2 gallons of this stuff, burning-lava hot, and love every minute of it.

Update: This is what it looked like after three and a half pots with the same leaves...

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain wants me to talk about some conversation that I was supposed to eavesdrop, but frankly I was too captivated by this tea and by the crashing Ford stock to notice. As a side note, we hear at the Blag support the freedom of speech and press, and thus we support the rights of the people in Northern African and the Middle East who are protesting their governments. Without revolutionaries, we would still be drinking Earl Grey with milk while wearing silly wigs. blech.

Update: This is what it looked like after five pots with the same leaves!!!:

And yeah it looks the same as before. This is for serious.

Tea_Pain: Never have we gone this deep into a brew of /t/. It just doesn't stop getting better though. This probably could have gone another 3-4 steeps and been sex-water. Da Honey Pao essentially begins as an earthy main course and finally gives way to a dessert comprised entirely of honey. Da Hong Pao: how does it work?

What: Da Hong Pao aka "Large Red Robe" Tea (Dobra Tea Room)
How much: $4.95 for a large pot or $5 per oz
What kind: Oolong aka "black dragon" (yeah fucking dragons in this bitch)
Taste: Hands down the best /t/ we've ever had (malty, roasted honey-sex in a cup)
Repeat Drinkability: 11/10 (the taste goes on and on and on and on and on and on and...like a gobstopper)
Manliness: 11/10 (if black tea is manly, surely fermented black tea suckled from the bosom of /T/sus is the epitome of manliness)