Tuesday, March 15, 2011

C/T/G Presents: Puri/t/

Tea_Pain: For our final /t/ from our sponsor, we decided to review the Zealong Pure last. We've heard some good reviews already about this stuff and, personally, I've been looking forward to it since I am a HUGE fan of oolongs.

DukeOEarl: Zealong.  I see what they did there.  (New) Zealand Oolong.  Zea-long.  Zealong.  Wow that's so clever.  I'm astounded.  It smells like if black and green /t/ea combined powers to form a megadroid of /t/ea.  Also from now one read everything thats in caps in this voice (skip to the serial killer).  The package says it SMELLS OF FRUIT AND FLOWERS.  LITTLE GIRL WOULD YOU LIKE SOME OF MY FRUIT AND FLOWERS?  COME TO MY VAN AND YOU CAN HAVE SOME FOR FREE.  Not really.  But the little balls of leaves expanded like a pregnant housewife when we added water.

Tea_Pain: After pouring from the gaiwan, I took a whiff of the used leaves (an action only significant reviewers of /t/ partake in, mind you) and got a whole lotta...wait for it... chicken noodle soup. Not only did the leaves smell like it, but the drink looked the part too. I thought I was drinking straight chicken broth it was so yellow. As you can see, my camera doesn't like the color radioactive yellow and promptly proceeded to make the picture look like light Ecto Cooler instead. Fuck you camera.
DukeOEarl: Yeah but actually it tasted like.  You can taste how pure it is.  Because of how much it tasted like.

Tea_Pain: Of what?

DukeOEarl: Exactly.  I agree that it totally looks like radioactive sludge water.  I'm pretty sure we're going to get fined by some nuclear watchdogs like the Japanese for brewing this shit.  Or it will explode on us. Anyway the taste is delicate. People call it "pure" whenever they can't find a flavor. They're like "shit, it doesn't taste like anything." "let's call it 'pure-tasting.''" "Brilliant!" LITTLE GIRL DO YOU LIKE THE FLOWERS?  YOU CAN HAVE SOME IN MY VAN.  NOW LOOK AT THIS TEA.  NOW LOOK AT ME.  NOW BACK AT TEA.  NOW BACK AT ME.  NOW AT THE VAN.  NOW AT THE TEA.  NOW AT THE VAN.  NOW BACK AT ME.  FRUIT AND FLOWERS AND CANDY.  NOW GET IN THE VAN.  Anyway on the second steep, Tea_Pain was bugging me to drink the shot glass tea from the gaiwan instead of my mug.  I told him: "Gonna have my drink then I'mma have my fuck shot!" Boy it was caffeinated.  And it was consistently "pure."
Tea_Pain: Except for the weird hint of grapes I got on the second steep, I really think this is just a lighter version of an oolong. There isn't a whole lot around that could save the taste either. Honey would kill what little flavor profile is there. Milk would turn this into a better oolong, but like honey, it would be at the expense of taste. I agree with Duke saying this is "delicate". Comparing Zealong to other oolongs would be like comparing a white /t/ to a green, they're just significantly different. What Zealong does is combines flavors of green and oolong /t/, but it's in a way that doesn't show off every positive note it could.
What: Zealong Pure (Chicago Tea Garden)
How much: $14.75/1.75 oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: A lot like New Zealand. FRUIT AND FLOWERS.
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (The flavor seems to have the neverending Gobstopper effect going for it)
Manliness: 2.5/10 (According to Man Law #205.1.a, anything considered "pure" cannot be manly.)

P.S.  This post is super late because we're in Vegas and well...we'll have posts up about that as soon as we have time.

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