Saturday, March 5, 2011

CTG Presents: The /T/ Is Now Diamonds

DukeOEarl: It feels good to be able to type in English again instead of Spanish. I still have some symptoms, but overall it's better than what could've transpired. I'll fill you in on what very little I remember in a few days. And now we're sponsored apparently? I don't remember selling out like a bitch. Tea_Pain are we getting paid for this? And wtf is a Chicago Tea Garden? Is that like a rooftop weed greenhouse? Like is this guy growing tea/weed in some Baghdad hovel on the South Side? Well fuck me. It looks like someone shaved a llama and put the hair in a tea tin. Tea_Pain we're in for a surprise.

Tea_Pain: You know, I'm starting to get past the "it tastes like oatmeal/malt/caramel" phase of tea reviewing. In fact, I can assume that, to varying degrees, a large amount of black /t/ will have a profile similar to that. Golden Bai Luo seems to have a lot in common with those /t/s. Is that bad? Should it taste like actual gold? No, it's still good on it's own, but when I put those tastes out of mind, I came out with a surprising flavor: chocolate-"ish". Yeah, not quite Yoohoo, not quite full-on chocolate. There were hints of rich flavors, but they just weren't pronounced enough to warrant calling this a full-flavored /t/. On it's own, it's an above average /t/, but if you dropped a scoop of ice cream or something in it, this might have some added potential.

DukeOEarl: I completely disagree with the chocolate-taste that Tea_Pain discovered. It was more reminiscent of my 12 grain bread than Hershey's. It was grainy and starchy like oatmeal, and thus a little creamy. The note in the box said "vanilla notes." Yeah maybe, but not really. The only vanilla I got was from a guy name Julio (read hoolio) that's for my "headache." It might be better cold. This shit is like magic though. I mean look at it steep. FUCK!

(This should be a video. Keyword: "should". Sadly, whenever we tried uploading the supported files, Blogspot decided to get sand in its vagina and say the video doesn't work. Basically, if you still have something resembling an imagination, imagine you pour in clear, hot water. But then, as if /T/sus's brother Hans had decided to make an appearance, the water turned to /t/ instantaneously. If you still can't see this image in your head and the video won't play, just enjoy the picture of us brewing a play button.)

Tea_Pain: Based off Duke's suggestion, I decided, fuck it, I'm gonna do some science today. The taste of the /t/ was slowly moving towards "meh" and I figured I would give it one more chance to inspire me or something. I put my boot in the freezer and waited for it to chill the hell out. In the meantime, I did shots out of the gaiwan, NBD. After about...3 shots and a lot of talking about past life experiences Duke forgot, I grabbed my mug and took a couple sips. My first taste was a little awkward; I knew that taste from somewhere. Where the fuck have I tasted this before? There was a slight cardboard smell now and it was accompanied by the earthy taste of a pu erh. I imagine this is what a pu erh would smell and taste like if it wasn't made by women, and in this case, it was almost enjoyable for as mundane as the flavors had become.

DukeOEarl: This tea is like that sweater your Grandma gives you for Christmas. You know the one, which she knit herself. You want to like it, but there's a damn teddy bear unicorn on the front. I mean for reals. But you have to wear it right? And it is warm. So you wear it under other shit so no one sees how fucking stupid it looks. This tea is that sweater, and in a way it's a sweater for your tongue too. Its meh hot, better warm, and best cold.

What: Golden Bi Luo (Chicago Tea Garden)
How much: $14.75/ 1.75oz
What kind: Black
Taste: Watery oatmeal with a single chocolate chip (because you're poor).
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (Much like an ugly sweater party, this /t/ is probably pretty tits a couple weeks out of the year. Otherwise, you'll look just like a hipster.)
Manliness: 4/10 (Even when looking past the bitterness of a black tea, this /t/ was still pretty weak coming out of a gaiwan.)

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