Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Vegas: In Minor Detail

DukeOEarl: So the story actually starts in the Madison airport. As me and T_ were waiting for our flight to some airport that was not Las Vegas, a group of frat bros and sorostitutes came and sat next to us. I swear to /T/sus there is nothing more mind numbing than the conversations between those two groups of people.

I turned my music up.

But then we got on the plane. And guess where they sat? Right. Behind. Me. Please god let the plane crash. Also here are some quotes T_ and I heard which make as much sense out of context as in context:

Bro-seph: "I was so worried that I'd miss the flight. I set like four alarms so that I wouldn't miss it."
Future Nobel Prize Winning Ho #1: "Yeah but like if that happened you would've been fine cause like you would've just like been here except, like, later."

Bump It: "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god."
Bump It...again: "Oh my god. Are we all going to 'rollercoaster' when the plane takes off? This is my first time flying."

Ho #1....yeah: "Oh my gawd, why do like all pilots sound the same?"
Why do all you sorority girls sound the same?
"Like seriously, every pilot ever like sounds the same."
Kill me.

Tea_Pain: Ho #3 didn't have anything stupid to quote because she was exiled by the other sorostitutes to the front of the plane for being ugly. I lol'd. But she was reading Cosmo like she was gonna please her man in 300 different ways. Sorry, but a million roofies could not get her laid. Oh and Ho #2 was crying when we were about to land because she was scared of gravity. Why can't a woman just appreciate some god damn physics? If there's one thing worse than crying babies on airplanes, it's those people. We actually sat by a crying baby on the flight back and it made me want to hurt small mammals LESS than the coastie's tears. I was so happy I didn't have to hear those stupid fucking people again.

Anyway, we got off the plane, got on another plane that was surprisingly uneventful and eventually checked in at our hotel. Put our sexy-time clothes on and got to drinkin free drinks and throwing our money down the large neon trough that is the MGM Grand's casino. First thing Duke does? Fucking walks over to a roulette table and puts $50 on 00. So as I'm standing there with my mouth gaping, the ball bounces right into 00. Sonuva bitch won. The sad fact is he considered doing it again until I threatened him with pu erh.

DukeOEarl: All I do is win win win...So at the Zuri, there were a ton of hotties. I mean this place was totally banging for mid-evening. As we look for a place to chill, we see three girls over by the bar (two blonds and a brunette) and they are just ordering drinks. Jackpot. T_ and I walk over. This is strategery here folks: pay attention. Since the bartender is mixing someone else's drink and there are no drink menus or signs, I say "Excuse me, ladies, do you know what the specials are tonight?" They try to remember. It was like watching Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader: HUR DURRRR Edition. T_ jumps in and makes fun of their speech impediments and their drinks. They told us we were funny. We told them they needed to stop buying girly drinks and looking at our butts. Anyway, I like blonds, so we hit it off.

Yeah so a couple drinks in Tea_Pain says, "Let's go to a strip club," and one of the girls got super excited about the idea. We just stood back and let the one girl work her hindu-estrogen magic. Women are the best at convincing other women to do dumb shit. I don't understand why. Maybe daddy issues. So of course they all got excited about the idea after five minutes and pretty soon we were on our way to the club, three skanks and all.

Tea_Pain: There comes a time in every man's life when he should see an entire room filled with topless women. Said event should happen in Vegas for good reason: the water makes women "top-heavy". It also makes them really like meth and childbirth. Decent trade-off as far as I can tell.

DukeOEarl: Pretty soon after we got our drinks, a "professional dancer" named Athena comes up to our table about the lap-dances. Well T_ and I weren't quite drunk enough yet to get contact herpes from her, so we declined to have the first lap-dance. Excited-for-the-strip-club girl got the first lap-dance. While she was in the back, we had fun watching the pole-dancers, and as expected, the other two girls were making fun of the stripper's tits. Every time I've been to a strip club with girls they always make fun of the tits. Every. Time. You could set your sundial to it. T_ and I just nodded and drooled. It's hard to think when looking at so many boobs. When excited-for-the-strip-club girl came back she regaled us with stories of Athena's mystical vagina, which "did things that I didn't know were possible."

Tea_Pain: Hearing this information and maybe due to the alcohol, I jumped at the opportunity to go next. So, what does $150 get you (lol, stripper didn't see those $1's)? Let's just say I still can't get the smell of pu erh out of my jeans, shirt, and right shoe.

DukeOEarl: It was like herpes evolved legs and started walking around.

Tea_Pain: We eventually left after the third "Tittany" came onstage. Seriously? 3 of them? The hell.

DukeOEarl: After the strip club, we headed back to the strip. We were decently drunk at this point, and the girls were having trouble keeping their skirts on. It was still too early for bed time, so we started walking towards Wynn. Once we're about halfway there, Tea_Pain and I start daring each other to do stupid shit. It always happens when we get drunk:

"Blondy has the best tits ever."
"I've been wanting to get my hands on them since the Zuri."
"I could motorboat those tits all night."
"I bet you won't."
"The hell I won't."
"Yeah, you watch this shit, Rolex."

Tea_Pain: But as I set forth to go destroy that cleavage like I was a fucking honey badger, the excited blond ran ahead of me. Now, I'm ok with the particular action I was witnessing so I stopped and watched for a second...as the blond's...hair....falls off-ohmygodthat'sadude. The half gallon of alcohol that in my stomach turned into a miniature Billagio fountain. Duke was laughing his ass off, the "girls" ran off somewhere, and there was now double-fermented Dos Equis on what used to be a half-decent shirt. It all turned out ok though... the next girl I saw, I ran up to and motorboated the hell out of her.

And that was essentially our average day in Vegas.

PS- WTF, there are absolutely NO /t/ shops on/near the strip. Over 9000 Starbucks, tons of Tazo, none of the good shit. Step it up Vegas, we're looking at you Joy's Teaspoon. RRRAAAAAGE!

1 comment:

  1. Dude, those honey badgers are everywhere.

    Thanks for taking this trip, so I don't have to.