Sunday, March 6, 2011

C/T/G Presents: The Ice Wine of /T/

Yesterday, I was heading out to a rave, when Tea_Pain told me that he had a date with Dart Girl (the one that looks like my January Jones).  That's fantastic. Would you like a cookie?  Then he told me it was yesterday night, and he would not be going to the rave.  The.  Hell.  He also told me that I wasn't supposed to be drinking in my condition.  Yeah about three doctors told me that too.  They can all eat it.  Anyway he missed a ridiculous party.  Everyone was all kinds of drunk.  There was some nasty beats and thus Matrix 2 orgy dancing.

But before that, Tea_Pain was kind enough to tell me that we reviewed two pu-erh's before, although in my PTMS (post Taylor Momson syndrome) state I can't recall trying a pu-erh before.  He said they were pretty good and suggested that I review the pu-erh from the Chicago Weed Garden...I mean Tea Garden.  Sweet, I thought.  It's /t/ in a fucking clementine.  I mean look at this:

That's a fucking clementine alright.  So I was totally excited to try this pu-erh.

Upon opening the package, a sweet honey-like, orange-ish smell reached my nose.  Jackpot.  It was like Orange Glo without the seizure inducing chemicals.  After steeping, it had a brilliant orange tint:

As I waft the vapor from the Ball jar to my nose, a subtly familiar scent reached my nose, but I couldn't place it.  It reminded me of something...something a way it was an odd smell.  Because I couldn't place it, I decided to look up our old pu-erh reviews to remember what good things I had to say.  As you probably know already, I learned that I hate pu-erh.  Tea_Pain you're a lying piece of shit.  I hope you get ebolAIDS from Dart Girl.

That smell was the familiar "lady smell." Though, it was mixed with a subtle orange smell too.  The info card says these were made in special "pu-erh caves."  What, in /T/sus's name, is a "pu-erh cave"?  I'm going out on a limb here and guessing that Paris Hilton could be a pu-erh cave (HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Zing.).  Now at my behest, I had to actually drink this /t/. actually didn't taste like much.  David Lee Hoffman you're letting me and the Chicago Tea Garden down!  We need /t/ that has taste!  So I drank a bit more of it.  Still not much taste.  Then I looked at the bottom of my Ball jar.

What.  The.  Fuck.  Is.  That.

Brown AND white sludge?!

And it goes down the sink.  But I have to make more of this /t/.  It's apparently better after several steeps.  I have one condition though.  Anymore of that brown and white sludge at the bottom of my mug and I'm done.

Ok this doesn't look so bad.  Let's do this....Hmm...the orange taste disappeared.  Probably because I didn't steep the 5+ year old, moldy, dry clementine with the /t/.  The /t/ was now a little sweet tasting.  Not very sweet.  Just very subtly sweet.  Overall the taste was pretty mild.  Similar to a black tea, without the strong malty taste.  It was subtly malty.  Best of all, the familiar smell disappeared.  Success.  Tea_Pain once said, "You're sweet, and I want to like you... but you smell like your mother was a salmon." Well this pu-erh does not have a salmon mother.  It does have fishy notes at first, but they disappear quickly.  As for a dirty, earthy taste, I didn't notice any, so I decided to try some dirt for comparison.  This /t/ is better.

What: Wild Orange Pu-erh (Chicago Tea Garden)
How much: $10.45 for 50 grams
What kind: Pu-erh - Orange
Taste: Better than dirt.  Standard pu-erh.  Subtle Orange Glo smell.
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (it wasn't bad post-sludge/fish)
Manliness: 3/10 (It's hard to justify a dirty, Paris Hilton's cave tea as manly)

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