Wednesday, March 2, 2011

C/T/G Presents: Shots!

Seeing that we received so many /t/s from Chicago /T/ Garden, I say we start it off like we'd start any other day: BREAKFAST. Enter Keemun Hao Ya, a black /t/ that is said to be the "Chinese Breakfast Tea". Since when do they get breakfast? I thought they had iPods and male children to make. Time is money, China. CTG also sent us a gaiwan to steep this stuff in. I assume that since China is so crowded, they barely have enough room for french presses or tea kettles, thus, they bust out one of these babies:

Upon opening the tin, the smell in the air of my apartment went from "greasy hamburger" to something more reminiscent of a sweet, black /t/. Psst, Glade, not even your air fresheners can do that. To be honest, I was looking forward to another naturally sweet black /t/ with a little bit of bitterness a la every other breakfast blend ever invented. I was sooooo, so wrong.

I poured the first brew out of our new gaiwan into a set of shot glasses. Why? Because it was a fucking Wednesday in Madison. Look at that shot glass on the left. Notice anything about its color? That thing is about as black as...oh /T/sus... Ok, don't panic. Now, sir and/or madam, I know this is a /t/ blag, but have you ever tasted straight espresso? You know, the kind that doesn't have milk, sugar, or anything else besides coffee juice in it? Take that taste and strip about 3/4ths of the bitterness from it. Ta-fucking-da, you have yourself the only /t/ I have ever found that would make an excellent latte. Hell, there was even a hint of hops in there that gave this /t/ a coffee stout-feel: extremely rich, slightly bitter, the liquid was thick. In fact, I have to agree with the CTG's Steepster description of this /t/ steeping out as a "liquor".

Fast-forward about 4-5 shots and my body feels like I have essentially downed an equivalent amount of espresso. Ok CTG, I see what you did there. You just sent me powdered caffeine. Ha-ha. Hilarious. This must be why it's considered a breakfast /t/. If I woke up every morning after spending years harvesting my rice, I would see no other /t/ beyond this that could caffeinate me and get me back to work faster. Another 5 minutes in and I was on my 3rd brew. The deep color wouldn't go away and, though the taste mellowed a tad, the /t/ was still screaming, "BITCH, IT'S BREAKFAST!" at my tongue. My throat even got a little taste of the action as it started to get the Lapsang Suchong-effect. The smokiness eventually went away though in the 5th and 6th steeps and led to something more similar to...apricot? I celebrated that wtf moment with yet another shot.

Awwww yeah, reppin them paper towels.

Wellp, I went 8 rounds/17 shots with this beast. I won't be sleeping for at least 3 weeks. As a personal note: a little goes a looooooooooooooooooong way with this /t/, the price shouldn't be the thing scaring you away. The heart palpitations though... So, what is "bad" about this /t/? Like I hinted before, if I drank enough it might make my heart stop. That, in essence, is pretty "bad". The bitterness might also be a little over-powering to the people who think Arizona Tea is what all /t/ tastes like, but they shouldn't count. Ever. The price tag is steep if you're looking for something to chug before work/school/falling back asleep you lazy pile. Though, after drinking so much, do I agree with the pricing? You bet your ass, honky.

What: Keemun Hao Ya A Grade (Chicago /T/ Garden)
How much: ~5.30/oz
What kind: Black
Taste: A /t/-espresso hybrid which gets sweeter after several steeps.
Repeat Drinkability: 8/10 (Once I got past the taste of coffee, I could easily go shot for shot with this /t/ against an alcoholic who has 2 livers)
Manliness: 9/10 (This is what the taste of the Old Spice guy who, after walking into a burning apartment complex, comes out with Isla Fischer over his shoulder would be like.)


  1. Oh yes. One of of my favorite teas...and you managed to do it justice in this review. Awesome.

  2. Keemun Hao Ya is awesome...and it completely levels you. Not as much as Assam but damn close.