Friday, March 25, 2011

Bigelow Strikes Again

Tea_Pain: So I decided that pissass probably isn't the right candidate to represent all of Bigelow. Plus, when your parental units get you one of these on a whim, you are pretty much forced to drink it, reviewing or not. Anyway, I took the most reviewable candidate I could think of out of the MEGAJUG- Vanilla Caramel.

DukeOEarl: The packet would like to remind us that it has only one /t/ case you're retarded. Shit smells like caramel corn. Tea_Pain called that first though. Once it was steeped, it tasted more like vanilla, but the flavor was almost the same as the smell. Usually this isn't the case, so props to Bigelow for that. I guess that's a big deal like telling your ugly daughter that she looks good with make up on. Rim shot. But you can tell the flavor is artificial like the make up. Double rim shot. And it's sweet and creamy like your daughter. Triple rim shot.

Tea_Pain: Seeing that this is Amerikuh, there's a decent chance you might be a fatass who likes to eat. More than likely, you're about as forever alone as Carrot Top. Maybe if you stopped putting your mouth around a food funnel, you'd get thinner and lose a chin or two. So, because we are men, we must look after each other. Our advice: put down the caramel corn, steep some of this instead. It'll be a shit ton cheaper and you'll save yourself from some treadmill time with, essentially, the same flavor. You're welcome.
DukeOEarl: If you were serving ice cream sundaes to your diabetic friends (for the lulz), this /t/ would be the perfect beverage to complement. You could even drop a caramel cube in for added caramel sweetness. Fatty could even have this with his or her half-gallon of ice cream and feel like he or she ran a marathon (cause tea helps you lose weight without proper diet and exercise).
Tea_Pain: To me, this /t/ is the kind that someone, when presented with the option, would say, "Oh, you have that? I'll try it." not "I'mma buy a 100-pack and drink it everyday." Hence the ratings below. Still, it's a decent /t/ to keep around for randomness.

DukeOEarl: Actually, Tea_Pain put his hand behind his back and asked me to guess what rating he gave it. Keyword: hand. Singular. I guessed the number correctly. CHEESE ITS, CHEESE ITS, CHEESE ITS.

What: Vanilla Caramel (Bigelow)
How much: $0.11/bag
What kind: Black - Vanilla, Caramel
Taste: Like you used one of these as a water stirrer.
Repeat Drinkability: 4/10 (Good for a dessert /t/)
Manliness: 3/10 (Dessert is for females, specifically those who rape your wallet on a first date.)


DukeOEarl: We got sufficiently bored with the Vanilla Caramel /t/ea and decided to try another Bigelow. Yay. My enthusiasm is great like mother country USS of R. But then I sniffed this /t/. My first thought was: Cinnamon Toast Crunch....real cinnamon and sugar in every bite. Apparently there is actually real cinnamon in this /t/ and not artificial flavor. It shows because it's not nearly as aromatic as the Vanilla Caramel, but real cinnamon and sugar in every bite.

Tea_Pain: Thankfully, I can say the taste is a lot less cinnamon than the packaging suggests. I expected Big Red gum, I left with the taste of bargain /t/ sucked through a stick of cinnamon bark. To be honest, neither of those would have been good.

Tea_Pain: When you have something as hit or miss as cinnamon on its own, you're setting yourself up to fail. There, I said it. I know some people would just love to brew the little sacks of mulling spice all day. I say to them that their tastebuds no longer have the ability to express their opinion. When there is chai and apple cider, there isn't a whole lot of reason to drink this besides the price and brand loyalty.

What: Cinnamon Stick (Bigelow)
How much: $0.13/bag
What kind: Black - Cinnamon
Taste: Like a stale cinnamon roll without icing.
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (Just not that good. A step above pu erh.)
Manliness: 5/10 (Fucking love Cinnamon Toast Crunch)

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