Saturday, December 25, 2010

Home for /tea/ Holidays

Me and the Tea_Pain are visiting our respective families over break.  For about the first day or so, it's nice to see those annoying family members that you forgot about for a few months.  Then their personalities and gross body odors start to weigh on the mind and nasal glands.  Whatever I'll just drink some tea while they talk and make clever comments to illustrate my moral and intellectual superiority.  Anyway, this is a tea blag, and I am a tea blagger.  On to the tea!

For whatever reason, I decided that I would not bring my tea with me over break.  Bad idea.  As I was frantically searching around my mother’s kitchen for something caffeinated to wake up from my eggnog slumber, the only tea I came across was Bigelow Pomegranate Pizzazz.  God dammit mother, don’t you buy real tea?  “Whatever,” I thought, “it can’t be that bad.”  I lied to myself so that I would try it.  The purple/red colour (I’m British today) of the liquor got me strangely aroused—Freud would have a lot to say about me.  After drinking the fruity beverage, I had a strange urge to go with my sister to pilates class.  I resisted.  The warm tropical taste reminded me of Tea_Pain's holiday theme song.  I noticed the subtle bitter after taste of cheap orange peel in the background of the pomegranate herbal mix, which did not help the fruity flavor.  On top of that there was absolutely no caffeine in this tea.  Since waking up with bonus time, my drunken slumber was starting to possess me again.  Coffee to the rescue.  Yeah that’s right.  This tea is so bad that I had to resort to coffee, probably picked by some little African goat-herding child.  I’m going to call it Pomegranate Pissass from now on because that’s what it was like.  It tasted so much like piss that I resorted to the ass taste of coffee to mask the piss taste of the Pissass.

Ok time for presents.  Family time is fa la la la lame and ho ho hoverrated.  All I need are my two good friends Jack and Jim, and maybe some holiday cola to mix.  Yummy.  Try one over the holidays.

BTW Santa, all I want for Christmas is that chick from Pomplamoose.  Although could you change her name from “Nataly” to say “Natalie” so that it doesn't look like her parents are in-breed, illiterate hicks?

What: Pomegranate Pizzazz (Bigelow Pissass)
How much: Too much
What kind: Herbal - Pomegranate
Taste: Like some chick martini minus the booze
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10
Manliness: 0.5/10



  1. one time I arm wrestled this australian guy and he was talking all funny so I drank all his iced tea while he was in the bathroom...kind of a short story I know but I felt it was pertinent

    but yeah dude we should arm wrestle someday