DukeOEarl: I woke up this morning and felt like a man. It was one of those days where nothing could go wrong, women flock to you, and people on the street look at you like "shit that guy must be famous or rich." You walk with a swagger that gets the guys to turn into ladies and the ladies to turn into Niagara Falls. Speaking of which, we introduce our /t/ of choice, another spoonsored tea, called Eternal Sunshine. In the kindest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a lady. In the harshest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a mermaid's vagina. Our fault for picking a pu erh tea.
Tea_Pain: I actually wake up every morning feeling like a man. It's a pretty big deal when you're post-op though. Kudos, Duke. Anyway, I actually really liked the smell of this /t/ right out of the package. It smelled something like Poseidon's gum, so I was getting pretty pumped up for another naturally sweet /t/. To be safe, I rinsed the pu erh (for if I didn't, it would smell like the French). I sat in front of my french press, giddy as hell, trying to decide how fast I should drink this seemingly good /t/. I brought my cup up to my mouth, swirled the /t/ around a little bit and eventually got a smell and flavor profile similar to this...post-use. I took a sip to see if the smell would be a part of the taste, and sadly, it was. If ever I were to perform the nasty on a hula dancer, this may be comparable. On the brighter side though, it DEFINITELY tasted sweet and candy-like. Maybe Smarties or cotton candy. Duke... I think we got trolled again.
DukeOEarl: Your right Tea_Pain. Drinking this "tea" was like getting iced. Bro we just got iced by Joy's Teaspoon. The perfume of this "/t/" smelled exactly like my fingers after hot-pants Jenny left. "Chicken or tuna?" is a question my mother asks me after I tell her about a new ladyfriend. I always told her to add eggplant. She wouldn't. Anyway, never met a tuna girl until now. I mean the only way to drink this was to keep your head in it. After a while you get used to it. Hell after a few weeks you may even like the smell and the taste. Pretty soon you're buying it flowers and it wants a house. It makes you meals and cleans, but what you really want is dessert. Not the frosted kind. Shit, Tea_Pain, this would make great practice Jello. Tongue only. Make Jello with this and not only will the it simulate the amount of tongue work but also the overwhelming cavernous smell.
Tea_Pain: I really think that had this been a regular black /t/, I would've married it. However, I found myself explaining to my mug, "You're sweet, and I want to like you... but you smell like your mother was a salmon." This /t/ is sorta following the theme from Eternal Sunshine too by resembling the bad relationship: loving the sex, but, oh /T/sus, she likes Justin Bieber and wants to randomly argue about politics that don't affect her. I mean, you want to love her, but she just does a lot of important stuff really, really wrong. I admit, the things this /t/ does right are legitimate and useful. It allows for multiple steeps (probably upwards of 6 as it just wouldn't get lighter EVER) and would probably be lauded by herbal /t/ lovers or people who live by the ocean. I'm a little disappointed I didn't like this pu erh, and much like the synopsis of the film, this is a relationship I'd rather forget. Kinda harsh and all, but fair's fair, ey Duke?
DukeOEarl: Yeah, my nose would love to forget today. I put nose plugs in. That. Bad. And I could still smell it, though it tasted a little better. The damn smell is still lingering like that bad night at the casino up in Green Bay with that hot stripper. I digress. The new nose-plug taste was like Olympic Village if the only condoms they used were fruity. Much more like the candy-thong taste Tea_Pain mentioned. What a terrible day to have this /t/. My urges to shoot a bear and bring the meat home to my future wife, Taylor Swift, are gone. Now all I want to do is watch Glee and eat chocolate ice cream. Fuck me over the kitchen counter and call me Sally because now I feel like a lady. Damn you poontang tea!
What: Eternal Sunshine (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $3.50-6.00/oz
What kind: Pu Erh - orange, berry
Taste: Like you've just sailed for a month with the lady who owns a year's supply of Victoria's Secret perfume...and she hasn't washed anything since you left port.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (It smells like VAGINA)
Manliness: 0.5/10 (It smells and tastes like fruity VAGINA)
Ummm....holy shitboys. I don't even know what I am going to do with this review...but it did make me laugh hysterically. I have had Pu-erh compared to mud, earth, dirt, etc. Never, in all my years, has it been compared to a mermaid's vagina. Nor has a review ever had Justin Bieber mentioned. So many firsts for one week....
ReplyDeletePu erh is an acquired taste, in my opinion. I know what you're talking about when you say "mud, dirt, etc.", but like we explained this /t/ was pretty potent. Get the fish under control and this is essentially liquid cotton candy.
ReplyDeleteI want some vagina tea.
ReplyDelete