Taylor Swift, It's Not You. It's Me.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

How much caffeine is in this /t/?  This is trollage #3 by Joy's Teaspoon.  Kenilworth (OP) as the wobsite says.  It is grown in Sri Lanka, presumably by the Tamil Tigers who having nothing better to do now than grow tea.  If the people aren't addicted to your revolution, then you might as well get them addicted to something else.  It worked for the Russians.  Now all they do is drink vodka and play pretend communism.  It's incredibly cute.

I'm so high on caffeine right now that all I can think about it how I need moar caffeine.  Why am I typing?  I should be out killing wild animals with my bare hands.  This is so invigorating.  I need to calm the shit down.  Where's that Valium?  Oh wait...Tea_Pain borrowed it to pick up chicks.

Anyway, this /t/.  It did not smell like my grandmother after her Kegel exercises.  That's one point.  It was bright red.  That's two points.  If you forgot, I love bright red things.  Ok, so actually it's three points.  The smell and taste were rather similar.  Like a damp, earthy musk.  Malty and smooth, yet slightly bitter.  It reminded me of a richer darjeeling.  And I wanted to roll around in the mud.  Hmm maybe that was the caffeine.  Either way that's six points.  I made three pots and could've gone deeper, like Inception 2: Another Instance of Christopher Nolan Making Money Off Of Twilight Zone Ideas.  Can you imagine that?  Uh oh...now I'm starting to hallucinate.  Fuck.  You.  Caffeine.  Nolan.  Don't.  Fuck.  Up.  The.  Joker.  *Cough*. DDDDDEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

Oh and who are you?...Yes Ms., I am a Duke.  I'm the Duke that will make all of your dreams come true...Your laugh is so funny...You can take that however you'd like...Well I can tell you didn't get anything for Christmas this year...Because you were naughty of course...How did I know?  Well, I'm at the top of the naughty list...

Well.  That was a pleasant nap.  T Swift ain't gonna be happy.  I'm canceling our engagement.  In case you were wondering, that's my new future wife January Jones.  She likes this Kenilworth /t/.  See she's holding a cup of it.

Also Tea_Pain, I need my Valium back.

What: Kenilworth (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $6.50 per oz
What kind: Black
Taste: Like a malty wort before it's brewed
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (January Jones approved)
Manliness: 7/10 (I accidentally my rug because of caffeine)

Eternal Poon/t/ang of the Orange Kind

DukeOEarl: I woke up this morning and felt like a man. It was one of those days where nothing could go wrong, women flock to you, and people on the street look at you like "shit that guy must be famous or rich." You walk with a swagger that gets the guys to turn into ladies and the ladies to turn into Niagara Falls. Speaking of which, we introduce our /t/ of choice, another spoonsored tea, called Eternal Sunshine. In the kindest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a lady. In the harshest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a mermaid's vagina. Our fault for picking a pu erh tea.

Tea_Pain: I actually wake up every morning feeling like a man. It's a pretty big deal when you're post-op though. Kudos, Duke. Anyway, I actually really liked the smell of this /t/ right out of the package. It smelled something like Poseidon's gum, so I was getting pretty pumped up for another naturally sweet /t/. To be safe, I rinsed the pu erh (for if I didn't, it would smell like the French). I sat in front of my french press, giddy as hell, trying to decide how fast I should drink this seemingly good /t/. I brought my cup up to my mouth, swirled the /t/ around a little bit and eventually got a smell and flavor profile similar to this...post-use. I took a sip to see if the smell would be a part of the taste, and sadly, it was. If ever I were to perform the nasty on a hula dancer, this may be comparable. On the brighter side though, it DEFINITELY tasted sweet and candy-like. Maybe Smarties or cotton candy. Duke... I think we got trolled again.

DukeOEarl: Your right Tea_Pain. Drinking this "tea" was like getting iced. Bro we just got iced by Joy's Teaspoon. The perfume of this "/t/" smelled exactly like my fingers after hot-pants Jenny left. "Chicken or tuna?" is a question my mother asks me after I tell her about a new ladyfriend. I always told her to add eggplant. She wouldn't. Anyway, never met a tuna girl until now. I mean the only way to drink this was to keep your head in it. After a while you get used to it. Hell after a few weeks you may even like the smell and the taste. Pretty soon you're buying it flowers and it wants a house. It makes you meals and cleans, but what you really want is dessert. Not the frosted kind. Shit, Tea_Pain, this would make great practice Jello. Tongue only. Make Jello with this and not only will the it simulate the amount of tongue work but also the overwhelming cavernous smell.

Tea_Pain: I really think that had this been a regular black /t/, I would've married it. However, I found myself explaining to my mug, "You're sweet, and I want to like you... but you smell like your mother was a salmon." This /t/ is sorta following the theme from Eternal Sunshine too by resembling the bad relationship: loving the sex, but, oh /T/sus, she likes Justin Bieber and wants to randomly argue about politics that don't affect her. I mean, you want to love her, but she just does a lot of important stuff really, really wrong. I admit, the things this /t/ does right are legitimate and useful. It allows for multiple steeps (probably upwards of 6 as it just wouldn't get lighter EVER) and would probably be lauded by herbal /t/ lovers or people who live by the ocean. I'm a little disappointed I didn't like this pu erh, and much like the synopsis of the film, this is a relationship I'd rather forget. Kinda harsh and all, but fair's fair, ey Duke?

DukeOEarl: Yeah, my nose would love to forget today. I put nose plugs in. That. Bad. And I could still smell it, though it tasted a little better. The damn smell is still lingering like that bad night at the casino up in Green Bay with that hot stripper. I digress. The new nose-plug taste was like Olympic Village if the only condoms they used were fruity. Much more like the candy-thong taste Tea_Pain mentioned. What a terrible day to have this /t/. My urges to shoot a bear and bring the meat home to my future wife, Taylor Swift, are gone. Now all I want to do is watch Glee and eat chocolate ice cream. Fuck me over the kitchen counter and call me Sally because now I feel like a lady. Damn you poontang tea!

What: Eternal Sunshine (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $3.50-6.00/oz
What kind: Pu Erh - orange, berry
Taste: Like you've just sailed for a month with the lady who owns a year's supply of Victoria's Secret perfume...and she hasn't washed anything since you left port.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (It smells like VAGINA)
Manliness: 0.5/10 (It smells and tastes like fruity VAGINA)

LOLMATFGOP1FTW

And so it begins...

What better way to kick off our Spoonsership than with the most expensive /t/ The /T/ea Blag has yet to exhibit? I mean, this is like being a wine taster at Franzia and then, suddenly, a wild Two Buck Chuck appears. Or maybe not. We only really have enough money for ramen, /t/ and the occasional backwoods hooker, so wine brands are completely beyond us. I digress...

I poured the pouch of this Mangalam Assam TFGOP1 into my french press whilst thinking about what liquid money tasted like (see: cream). Once the boiling water hit that /t/, it was all sorts of chocolate in my nose. I'm talkin' hardcore chocolate that you get 70% off after Valentine's Day. But this confused me... why chocolate? Why not Chinese AUCE Buffet? Why not new car-smell? I'm not saying this is necessarily bad...it's just more of a surprise. Also... if anyone makes a "New Car Smell" /t/, we will destroy your soul and everything you believe in.

The /t/ got pretty dark, especially on the second steep. I thought it might actually be laced with chocolate. What I really liked about this /t/ though was how clear it was. No dust, HTF? I applaud any /t/ that can do that for multiple steeps, Duke can vouch for me. Going deeper, it's a pretty creamy /t/. Adding milk or honey would probably turn this /t/ into some sort of shitty coffee drink lowbrid. If you need to add anything, wait until the second steep when the dryness finally starts to come through. Still, for comparison's sake, this is essentially Bailey's minus the strong flavoring. It has the chocolate and malt flavors, goes down pretty smooth and creamy, may eventually get you drunk on the fourth or fifth cup, etc.

Actually, speaking of getting me drunk, /T/sus, this shit is caffeinated. I'd take a swig and caffeine punched me in the face. Blunt force trauma isn't cool. I got about halfway through my first cup and I was sweating like a 400 pound behemoth struggling up the handicap ramp. Also, never have I taken my shirt off while /t/-ing. Not long after that, I was like WTFROFLBBQ as I proceeded to re-file all of my school stuff, clean and vacuum my apartment, and roll around in the snow until I cooled off. What felt like 5 hours took all of 5 minutes. My productivity is officially awesome, but now I have nothing to do except troll Reddit and Facebook-stalk people until I pass out at 5AM.

Pro-tip: market this /t/ to Adderall users during exam weeks. Cash. Money.

As an aside, we at The /T/ea Blag don't normally kiss ass like this. But when you get a /t/ that essentially trolls your senses into submission (eg, smells like chocolate fondue, tastes like Baileys, get's you fucked up on caffeine), you kinda have to just congratulate them with an "I see what you did thar" and walk away. No need paying the troll toll, we know it's legitimate.

I leave this /t/ a little disheartened. At $9/oz before shipping (if you just wanted the smallest amount), it's expensive. For a college budget, this is a /t/ you're forced to write down for a gift since there's no way you could consistently afford it (at least while there are still $1 PBR's on Monday and Wednesday in Madison). There are trade-offs one would have to make, either have great taste for a price or a shit-ton of cheap, nasty "tea". I'll put it this way: I wouldn't expect anyone to only drink one steep of this. And though it isn't what I thought "liquid money" would taste like (something along the lines of copper and cocaine residue), it was similar to other higher quality /t/s I've had in the past. It truly defines a specialty /t/ at the cost of possibly not selling enormous quantities.

What: Mangalam Assam TGFOP1 (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $5.50-9.00/oz
What kind: Black - "Classy"
Taste: Chocolate and malt were thrown into the LHC and told they couldn't come out until they exploded. The aftermath birthed this /t/.
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10. It's a shame, the price just gives it a BIG hit that can't be made up in taste alone.

Manliness: 8/10. This could enter a fight club and win, pinkie up.

50 days, 500 views, Packers won

I'm not even gonna play with you guys, it's time to brag a little.

*So happy*

As predicted, the Packers won and, right on schedule, Switzerland is on the verge of civil unrest as they seek to begin their manhunt against George W. Bush. Once they're done arresting him, I can only assume they'll terrorize the banks with explosive cuckoo clocks and burn Zurich to the ground with Absinthe-enhanced Molotov cocktails.

In other news: WE HAVE A SPONSOR!

That's right, we got in touch with the fine people of Joy's Teaspoon and convinced them to ship us some good blends. So over the next week, we'll be sampling some of their /t/ and making sure it's manly enough for consumption by you mortals. This should end well.