Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Ginseng turns men into...

...power tools, but not when it's in green tea.  I'll explain in a second, but first I'm going to complain (like a girl).

/T/ on the internet is so expensive.  Lazy people tend to pay more for stuff if they don't have to leave the house I guess.  It's like how sex on the internet is so expensive.  You could pay some tranny hooker $5 for a blowjob, or you could pay some chick $50 for a webcam dance.  You don't though because you have to do all that walking and sitting and BJ-receiving.  Then you have to explain to the wife why you smell like Beirut and how you got herpes if you didn't sleep around.  Webcams are easier, but holy shit are they more expensive.  Ridiculous.

So since I used all my money paying for webcams--to keep an eye on the babysitter and the ethnic neighbors of course--I'm basically out of cash.  I dug deep into my closet, through piles of bones and candy wrappers, to find "Daily Green Tea - Honey Ginseng" by the Republic of Tea.  Needless to say, I did not buy this /t/ myself.  It was a gift or "gift" or "hey you're in college and you like free shit" from the parents or neighbors or something.  Hmm...how bad will this be if someone I know and perhaps respect more than I respect the average dolt didn't like it enough to keep it?

Obviously I had to try some to find out.  Cue microwave.

Immediately after steeping, it smelled like honey.  More specifically it smelled like the water in a hookah after being smoked.  Mu'assel (shisha tobacco) has honey in it if you're confused.  I can dig the hookah.  I mean it has to be good for something if half the Middle East does it right?  Like that's worked well for autocracy so far.  Oh wait.


Unfortunately, it tastes about as good as hookah water.  If you haven't tried hookah water before, imagine burning paper and mixing the ashes with water.  Add some honey and some vodka and you've made hookah water.  There was so much crap in the cup too.  The /t/ was opaque.  Will someone explain to me why tea bags must contain powdered tea?  No one likes drinking powdered leaf soup.  Ok.  Ok.  I know what you're going to say.  Except rabbits.

I was rooting for this /t/ the whole time too.  I am ready to like a green tea if it will like me back.  And this one has ginseng.  Ginseng makes you fuck like the energizer bunny.   I base this on zero scientific knowledge.  The only pounding that I wanted to do was to my tongue to make it stop crying.  Alas, the Republic of Tea came up short this time.  I guess we should call them the Democratic People's Republic of Tea.


Since many of our readers are online purveyors of the /t/, let me invite you to send us your /t/, and we will review it.  You get a sweet deal because we provide this service free of charge.  Message us on the twitter or shoot us an email to find out how easy it is to send us /t/ea!

What: Green Tea - Honey Ginseng (Republic of Tea)
How much: O.o?
What kind: Green - Honey Ginseng
Taste: Like someone ground up used cigarettes and added water
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10
Manliness: 6/10 (Men love mimicking jack hammers)

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