Tea_Pain: It has come to our attention that we weren't so fair in giving Lipton the dreaded "0.0" rating.
DukeOEarl: No, YOU weren't fair. I was still re-learning how to use a keyboard with my face, post-concussion. Now I can type with my face just fine.
Tea_Pain: Fair enough.
DukeOEarl: Now, let's actually do a FAIR (and balanced) review of Lipton. We'll do a blind taste test that compares it to the PAO and another random tea. Go with it, dude.
Tea_Pain: Science-y. I can dig it.
We headed over to Dobra and got ourselves some of the PAO and something called "Wu Long Cha". You know, because we needed something to be the middle man between drinking shit and experiencing oolong nirvana. We had the devotea set up our shit so we didn't know which /t/ was which. A $5 tip and some humor got him to miraculously turn our Lipton into loose leaf. For aesthetic reasons, he put the string of the Lipton into the pot. He said it increased the chi of the serving platter. We don't believe in Islam, so we just went with it.
Impressive. As you can see below, we had 3 separate /t/s to choose from. 2 oolongs and Lipton. Who would come out ahead? Would there be explosions and random, attractive females without any form of acting experience? Would the Iron Goddess of Mercy forgive us for this travesty? Let the reviews begin.
We headed over to Dobra and got ourselves some of the PAO and something called "Wu Long Cha". You know, because we needed something to be the middle man between drinking shit and experiencing oolong nirvana. We had the devotea set up our shit so we didn't know which /t/ was which. A $5 tip and some humor got him to miraculously turn our Lipton into loose leaf. For aesthetic reasons, he put the string of the Lipton into the pot. He said it increased the chi of the serving platter. We don't believe in Islam, so we just went with it.
DukeOEarl: The "Devotea" at Dobra was kind enough to pour the /t/ea for us for our taste test. They set up the cups for us, which we tried before taking the last picture below (finally my n00b ass fixed the white balance). The /t/ guy said to brew them all for about 30 seconds. But how will the /t/ be hot in 30 seconds? We gave it 10 minutes. Shit tasted like smoke. We didn't order L'souchong. The hell, right? We resteeped and tried them one by one. Better results...mostly...
The first (and closest in the picture) tasted like white bread toast. It was very smooth. Really quite crispy tasting. It was like Snap, Krackle, and Pop visited my mouth with about four acres of wheat and had a fucking party. I didn't tell Tea_Pain yet, but I was guessing this was the Pao. As it cooled down a bit, some tobacco-like notes emerged. It was like drinking the smell of a cigar/white bread toast.
Tea_Pain: Yeah, that first /t/ was like drinking from a tit filled with honeydew melon. I didn't use honey, so I guess it "could" have been the Pao since I haven't tasted it straight in awhile. Plus, it wasn't that dusty and that's one of the many traits I love about Da Hong Pao. I ended up siding with Duke and assumed this to be the Boom Boom Pao. We moved on to the middle /t/. I gotta say, I think we found the one, guys. I mean, I've said multiple times that I'm going to marry Isla Fischer or January Jones or that girl at the bar when I was really drunk. But never have I been so serious. I would marry this /t/ in a second if given the opportunity. I bet I could go to West Virginia or some other Appalachian redneck haven and marry this cup of /t/. I mean, what's there to hate? It was subtly sweet, not extremely black, and, most of all, the texture. Oh /T/sus the texture. It was like drinking a warm /t/ smoothie. Plus, I can say that /t/ #1 is nowhere near as as strong as the grit I just chugged.
DukeOEarl: The third (and last) /t/ tasted really watery. It almost smelled like...smelled like...FRUIT AND FLOWERS. THIS /T/ SMELLS OF FRUIT AND FLOWERS. Oh no. Finally, I put a finger on the flavor. So imagine you're walking past an old house that's falling apart. It's an old brick house. Since you're a curious person, you decide to pull out one of the loose bricks from the wall. Also for whatever reason you decide to lick it. That's what this /t/ tasted like. Like you were licking a brick. That smelled like FRUIT AND FLOWERS. This had to be the damn Liptons.
The first (and closest in the picture) tasted like white bread toast. It was very smooth. Really quite crispy tasting. It was like Snap, Krackle, and Pop visited my mouth with about four acres of wheat and had a fucking party. I didn't tell Tea_Pain yet, but I was guessing this was the Pao. As it cooled down a bit, some tobacco-like notes emerged. It was like drinking the smell of a cigar/white bread toast.
Tea_Pain: Yeah, that first /t/ was like drinking from a tit filled with honeydew melon. I didn't use honey, so I guess it "could" have been the Pao since I haven't tasted it straight in awhile. Plus, it wasn't that dusty and that's one of the many traits I love about Da Hong Pao. I ended up siding with Duke and assumed this to be the Boom Boom Pao. We moved on to the middle /t/. I gotta say, I think we found the one, guys. I mean, I've said multiple times that I'm going to marry Isla Fischer or January Jones or that girl at the bar when I was really drunk. But never have I been so serious. I would marry this /t/ in a second if given the opportunity. I bet I could go to West Virginia or some other Appalachian redneck haven and marry this cup of /t/. I mean, what's there to hate? It was subtly sweet, not extremely black, and, most of all, the texture. Oh /T/sus the texture. It was like drinking a warm /t/ smoothie. Plus, I can say that /t/ #1 is nowhere near as as strong as the grit I just chugged.
DukeOEarl: The third (and last) /t/ tasted really watery. It almost smelled like...smelled like...FRUIT AND FLOWERS. THIS /T/ SMELLS OF FRUIT AND FLOWERS. Oh no. Finally, I put a finger on the flavor. So imagine you're walking past an old house that's falling apart. It's an old brick house. Since you're a curious person, you decide to pull out one of the loose bricks from the wall. Also for whatever reason you decide to lick it. That's what this /t/ tasted like. Like you were licking a brick. That smelled like FRUIT AND FLOWERS. This had to be the damn Liptons.
Tea_Pain: So from our assessments, we needed to rank them. Number 2 was our favorite by far, followed by number 1, and in last place, number 3. Now, much like on a dank episode of Queer Eye: THE REVEAL!
Final Rankings and what /t/ we guessed was which:
1) Wu Long Cha (actually Lipton)
2) Da Hong Pao (actually Wu Long Cha)
3) Lipton (actually Da Hong Pao)
/T/sus. What have we done?
DukeOEarl: I don't think /T/sus is going to be happy with us, Tea_Pain. But srsly, the Lipton was delicious and the Wu Long Cha wasn't bad either. I guess we have to change our Lipton and Pao rankings. Luckily we're men, so we have the ability to admit when we're wrong.
How much: $4.00 for one pot (one steep)
What kind: Oolong - Standard
Taste: Like a toasted white bread and celery sandwich
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (only one steep makes /T/sus a sad panda)
Manliness: 7/10 (Takes a hit for tasting like celery, plus for tasting like tobacco and/or honeydew)
What: Da Hong Pao aka Big Red Robe (Dobra Tea Room)
How much: $5.00 per oz (many steeps)
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Mortar and sandstone.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (And, sweet baby /T/sus, he did weep)
Manliness: 3/10 (This /t/ was not well-hong)
What: Lipton
How much: How much does dirt cost?
What kind: Black
Taste: Apparently better than Da Hong Pao
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (ಠ_ಠ)
Manliness: 10/10 (This stuff has more grit than Chuck Norris)
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