Monday, April 18, 2011

/T/ea and How to Please Your Woman Part 3: The Choclate Climax

Tea_Pain:  As we all know, anything as important as sex should be done in as quick and efficiently a manner as possible.  Therefore, our trifecta of pleasing your woman will finish off with an "O",  Chocolate "O".  The package itself smells like Yoohoo.  How can this end horribly? It can't. Yoohoo is tied for 5th place, all-time, in my rankings of best drinks ever.  Rather than eat this /t/ like a candy bar, Duke and I decided to steep it.  After steeping, we both hesitated for a second upon smelling the /t/, so I say to Duke, "Ok Duke on three we're both going to say what this smells like."

Tea_Pain:  "Hot chocolate"
DukeOEarl:  "Brownies"

Tea_Pain:  D'awwww...wait...HOT CHOCOLATE BROWNIES.

DukeOEarl:  It's quite incredible how much this /t/ea smells like brownies. But it tastes almost like unsweetened hot chocolate.  It's obvious too that the /t/ itself isn't the highest quality.  You don't add flavor to good /t/ like you don't add anything to good whiskey.  It's just forbidden.

Tea_Pain:  To be honest, this smells tons better than it tastes.  I got excited when I saw how dark the /t/ got while brewing.  I thought maybe, just maybe, they pulled off some radical stunt and actually put cocoa powder in this.  But yeah, the powdered chocolate taste overpowers the tea just not enough to convince me that it's bittersweet hot chocolate.  As I got deeper into the cup, the flavors constantly switched between cocoa powder and cheap, burnt/bitter tea.  Luckily, bitches love chocolate.

DukeOEarl:  Yeah and once you've surprised her with the rose petals, seduced her with the strawberries, and sealed the deal with the chocolate, you can pull a Tea_Pain on her.  It's like you're about to Bellagio all over the face, er uh place...wait...I mean both.  Then, as you're speeding up, she sticks her finger in the out place to trigger the love gun.  It's not an overall bad feeling except for the deep emotional disturbance similar to 9/11 or the Titanic sinking.  When she pulls it out, she'll have a nice chocolate ring (see: chocolate "o") on her finger, like the one Dart Girl wears all the time.

Tea_Pain: There will be burning tonight. Soooo much arson. All over Duke's house. Everywhere. Fuck you, Duke.

What: Chocolate "O" (The Tea Spot)
How much: $5.33 per oz
What kind: Black - Chocolate
Taste: Like a mouth full of cocoa powder
Repeat Drinkability: 3.5/10 (About as repeatable as the chocolate "o" once everybody knows about it)
Manliness: 4.5/10 (Could almost pass for a stout that went flat if you added caramel and malt powder)

Read Part 1 here.
Read Part 2 here.

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