Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Capital T Doesn't Stand for /T/

DukeOEarl: I don't think I've ever understood herbal /t/. How is it even called "tea"? Tea leaves do not exist in it. There isn't even tea powder or artificial tea flavoring in herbal tea. AND there is no caffeine! It'd be like making fake milk and calling it ___ milk even though it wasn't squeeze from a bosom of any shape or form. That kind of shit should be illegal, like terrorism or tiger blood.

Tea_Pain: Anyway, looks like we got a sample of Yogi's "DeTox" in the mail. You know, in case that bad trip on Smirnoff and mystery pills didn't scare us away enough. How does it smell Duke?

DukeOEarl: "I say God DAMN!" That shit smells potent. It burned tha fuckkk outta my nose. After the burning stopped, after I stopped blowing my nose, and after Tea_Pain stopped laughing, I noticed that the DeTox smells like root beer that was actually made with sarsaparilla. Oh hai. There is actually sarsaparilla in this /t/.

Tea_Pain: Yeah, I think I can agree to that. It smells like some kind of cinnamon root beer, which sounds fucking awesome since I could drink that shit all day. Intriguing. After it brewed for about 10 minutes (because we humored the tea bag's instructions), I gave it a sip. I say "sip" and not "taste" because when you drank it there wasn't anything there. There was a brief moment of spiciness from the cinnamon and black pepper in the /t/, but really, I didn't get any hint of "flavor" until I swallowed it.

DukeOEarl: That's what she said.... So this /t/ is really boring tasting. I don't even remember what it tastes like. So I take a sip to remind myself, then I listen to some Fat Joe. The rhymes are good and the beat is chill. Then I remember, Oh yeah, I'm drinking /t/. Wait, what does this tea taste like? I don't remember.
Tea_Pain: On top of that, it wouldn't even steep twice, as can be seen directly above this. I think we've just discovered why people hate detox so much: it's boring.

DukeOEarl: Yeah, boring like my sex life once I actually marry January Jones. So what's new? Boring /t/ is boring. I'd rather drink tap water or Fleischmann's. At least Fleisch has taste, albeit bad, but it's a memorable taste. Like, I can remember how bad it tastes because it tastes like SOMETHING (probably gasoline, though I haven't tried gasoline yet). I'd rather drink that swill than this boring fucking tea. Which tea are we reviewing, again, Tea_Pain? I don't remember...

What: DeTox (Yogi Tea)
How much: $0.17 / bag
What kind: Herbal
Taste: Kinda like drinking watered-down pepper spray.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (You won't ever remember buying, drinking, or enjoying this /t/)
Manliness: 2/10 (This.)

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