Saturday, April 23, 2011

/T/ea and Alcohol: The Saga

Tea_Pain:  We've been thinking for a while about how best to divulge our experiences with Madison's... lust for drinking.  Do we we buy a keg and get ridiculously trashed for your entertainment? Do we steep random tea bags in lukewarm Keystone to see if we can make it taste like something?  Do we invite Sarah Palin for a /t/ party while she's up in Madison saying "You betcha" and "Herp derp, Russian polar bear!"?  To us, the answer to all of these was clearly no way in hell.  We decided that, like all of our other posts, we'd let our manly ingenuity run wild.  We would set aside the night before the world-famous Mifflin Block Party to prepare our livers for cirrhosis and other fun diseases.  Plus, we thought to ourselves, how could we be "men" without binge drinking?  And so began our search for drinks in our version of Iron Bartender, secret ingredient: /t/. Our drunken thoughts follow this drinking list for the night.  In order of tasting we have:
  1. Peach-Schnapps Iced Tea
  2. The Girl Scout
  3. Over 9000
  4. Used Car Smell (merits its own review)
  5. The Cougar
  6. /T/n/T/
  7. Wrath of the Iron Goddess
  8. Apartheid
  9. The Final Level
Peach-Schnapps Iced Tea - Ingredients:
  • 1-2 parts Peach Schnapps
  • 3 parts Ben Shan Oolong
  • Honey to sweeten
  • Ice cubes
Here is our transcript of the tasting:

DukeOEarl&Tea_Pain: This is amazing!

DukeOEarl:  My life is complete.  I think I just saw the face of /T/sus.

Tea_Pain: I don't know how to tell Dart Girl this, but I might start fucking this /t/ and never stop.

DukeOEarl: Oh my god, it needs more peach schnapps. *empties schnapps into it*

Tea_Pain:  I just drank what Zima should have tasted like.

DukeOEarl:  Let's make a giant Gatorade cooler of this and take it to class.

Tea_Pain:  I will be forcing myself on this as soon as possible because I know it will be nirvana for my cock.

What: Peach-Schnapps Iced Tea
Taste: Like a magic peach alcohol sugar cloud
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10  (Drink this and tell us we're wrong)
Manliness: 10/10  (This makes alcoholism look easy)

The Girl Scout - Ingredients:
  • 1 part Kahlua
  • 1 part Moroccan Mint tea
DukeOEarl:  This actually smells like a fucking thin mint.

Tea_Pain: Oh my god, I don't know which one I like more.  I'm uncomfortable. I NEED AN ADULT.

DukeOEarl:  Thin mints are having sex in my mouth.

This is basically what it was like:
Girl Scout - Hey there.  You're cute.  How about you stick your Thin Mint in my Trefoil?
Duke - Yeeeah more girl scout cookie puns...Alright we can Do-Si-Do.
Girl Scout - Ok.  Then Tagalong with me back to my place.
(ten minutes later)
Duke - I am All About this.
Girl Scout - SOMOA, Give me Somoa!
Duke - Damnnnn girl.  I Lemon Chalet Cremed like four times already.

What: "The Girl Scout"
Taste: Like a liquid Thin Mint
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10  (Like eating a brownie)
Manliness: 2/10  (I guess they learn how to make fire in girl scouts...but it's by burning bras)

"Over 9000" - Ingredients:
  • 1 part vanilla vodka
  • 1 part Dragon Ball /T/

DukeOEarl:  This is kinda meh...OH MAN, VODKA.

Tea_Pain:  This is less Dragon Ball Z and more M. Night Shalyman's Avatar.

DukeOEarl:  Yeah it's less Super Saiyan 3 and more like aliens who make shapes in corn fields.  Epic name ≠ epic drink.

Tea_Pain:  Since this drink was served between room temp and chilled, it was like all the flavors cancelled each other out and then the vodka called your mother a skeezy hooker.  You accepted it's brevity and up-front attitude, but you still wanted to see it get gang-raped repeatedly in prison.

What: "Over 9000"
Taste: Like warm vodka.
Repeat Drinkability: 4.5/10  (The "meh" factor rears its semi-ugly head once again)
Manliness: 7.5/10  (Admit it, you'd drink both of these straight if you were still a bachelor)

"The Cougar" - Ingredients:
  • 1 part Merlot (Charles Shaw a.k.a. Two Buck Chuck)
  • 1 part Blueberry Rooibos (Alterra)

Tea_Pain:  This probably tastes like Tina Fey's vagina.

DukeOEarl:  This could be the fifth Sex and the City character.

Tea_Pain:  This tastes like 45 year-old depression.  Like a divorced woman with a perm who put on too much perfume and went out to the shittiest bar her lack of self esteem could allow.  There were no survivors.

DukeOEarl:  This is a more mature, sophisticated taste.  Or like I'm drinking with 28 year-old women who know that if they don't get married soon, their life is over.

Tea_Pain:  I dated someone like that before Dart girl.  Sure, she had a car and a son as old as I was, but taking her to the 7th grade dance while I was still a fat kid got me at least 20 points from the rest of the guys in my grade.

What: "The Cougar"
Taste: Like the solution to middle-aged depression (found at the bottom of a wine bottle)
Repeat Drinkability: 6.5/10 (The Cougar tasted a little worn out compared to the Girl Scout)
Manliness: 1/10 (This is fruitier than Richard Simmons working out on top of Liberace's piano)

"/T/n/T/" - Ingredients:
  • 1 part pu-erh
  • 1 part real tea

Tea_Pain:  Oh no.  Wellp, fuck my life.  Since Duke got to do all of the previous pu erh's, he pretty much forced me to do this drink.  On another sad note, there wasn't any alcohol in this to make me forget about drinking this shit.  Hoping the Silver Needles /t/ would step up their game, I took a drink.  Let me tell you one thing, if I had some curry, I might as well have been in a Mumbai brothel. Cinnamon, clove, very little chocolate...all ruined by being put in the fish department. Fucking. Numi.

DukeOEarl: It tastes like you Bill Clintoned some chick with clove cigarettes.

What: "/T/n/T/"
Taste: Smoked salmon in a clove/chai marinade
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Another one for the "meh" box)
Manliness: 0.5/10 (Chocolate AND pu-erh...can't get much less manly than that)

"Wrath of the Iron Goddess" - Ingredients:
  • 1 glass of Tie Guan Yin (a.k.a. Iron Goddess of Mercy)
  • 1 drop shot of Smirnoff Ice
DukeOEarl:  *takes sip and spits everywhere*

Tea_Pain:  *takes sip* Duke this isn't that bad.  I'll drink this...FUCK!  It tastes like an Arnold Palmer.  I actually like it.  Kinda carbonated, but still dece.  Subdued taste from Smirnoff Ice, so it wasn't too citrusy.

What: "Wrath of the Iron Goddess"
Taste: Like getting a concussion to avoid catching a grenade
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (Pain f-ing loved this)
Manliness: 2/10 (Smirnoff Ice is for girls and bros)

"Apartheid" - Ingredients:
  • 1 cup white tea
  • 1 bomb shot of black liquor (homemade black-pepper vodka in this case)

DukeOEarl:  At first, you're like "FUCK" and then you're like "I like Apartheid."  On the second taste it's pretty damn good.  The pepper vodka is like a knobkierrie to the face though.

Tea_Pain:  The homemade pepper vodka is delicious.  We've already sent a pre-made bottle to Nelson Mandela.  Duke you know what the best part of tonight is?  I have no concept of how much alcohol I've had.

What: "Apartheid"
Taste: Like Durban in the middle of summer
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (Not a favorite of the night, but not bad)
Manliness: 3/10 (Pepper vodka is manly, but segregation isn't)

"THE FINAL LEVEL" - Ingredients:
  • 1 bacon cup
  • 1 bacon straw
  • 1 part Irish Cream
  • 1 part Hennessy (or if you run out of Hennessy, use JWBL)
  • 1 part Keemun Hao Ya
DukeOEarl:  The bacon cup pic below doesn't have the Irish Cream mixed in yet.  We actually got a little excited before trying it, so basically as soon as the Irish Cream went it, we drank the whole cup. 

Tea_Pain:  That's because there were so many smells!  It was like cream and bacon and coffee and awesome!  And the taste was like going into a time warp, getting hit with bacon in the face, and then BOOM: Irish Cream.  This is the perfect breakfast drink minus a fried egg.

DukeOEarl:  This concoction was like an onion.  It had many layers.  Basically there were many levels to "The Final Level." The oily bacon-ness was just too good to handle.

Tea_Pain:  God I just was to curl up around it.  Cuddle it.  Take it to the first day of school.  Scold it for eating paint chips. Make it spit sick lyrics about its days experiencing socioeconomic difficulties.  Have it star in a police drama that's 100x better than NYPD: Blue. And then...I'd fuckin make another one since it'd probably be cold.

What: "The Final Level"
Taste: Like walking into the gates of heaven
Repeat Drinkability: 10.99.../10 (You'll want want everyday until you die from clogged arteries)
Manliness: 10.99.../10 (As manly as the inspiration for its name)

Note:  We did not forget the "Used Car Smell."  It merits its own review.

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