Thursday, April 14, 2011

/T/ai Ho

Let's be honest guys. When I grow to the ripe age of 37, life'll start spiraling downward faster than the Bears in the first 6 weeks of the season. My metaphorical ass will ache from all the bullshit I have to spew out at work, sketchy trailer park women will want to spawn enough of my kin to make being Amish seem pleasant, and I'll wish that my 400 pound heft could attract someone like Lois Griffin. Sadly, some of you might already express these feelings. All this hope isn't wasted though. That's right, I am validating your hopes and dreams. Why lead these men on, Tea_Pain? Because I can now say anything is possible. I drank /t/. From a. Fucking. CAN.

I stumbled on this stuff while I was busy buying my weekly cache of steaks and Jack's pizzas. I'll admit, I was thirsty and, while there were a couple shops within walking distance, this cost a buck compared to my first born's left hand (see: Starbucks). I found one with the most neon color possible on the can and brought it home with me. I figured that, fuck all, maybe dart girl would like it if I didn't.

As I stared at the can in my kitchen, I began to ponder many questions. How does one steep this tea? Is the can microwave safe so that I can heat it in the microwave? How much sugar can you put in tea before you get cancer? Unfortunately, the can answered none of these questions. I was forced... to experiment.

Hmm, this wasn't as SweetTart blue as I thought it'd be. In fact, this almost looks like normal tea. But colder. And with a Hindi Muhammad on the packaging. Being the purist, I smelled the /t/. It felt a little reminiscent to huffing corn syrup with a touch of generic /t/ smell. This should end well.

I drank the /t/ cold for once, not knowing whether it should be boiled before serving or if it's one of those new-age, ironic, diet Coca-Cola drinks hipsters are all toting around. Let me put the taste this way: on a scale from one to ten, this /t/ tastes like a sugar cane plantation dancing on rainbows with Sigfried and Roy on glitter-covered unicorns. There was also a slightly Lipton-esque taste, but with a much better overall flavor. I actually kinda liked it. The taste really resembled a southern sweet /t/ more than the advertised "ceylon". Seeing that it's spring, this /t/ came off as pretty refreshing, even if it did give me short-term diabetus.

One question still remained: is it better hot?
*Microwave for 5 minutes*
*Le brew*
*Waft for smug sincerity*

The lone con I can give this /t/ is pretty major. The reason this /t/ has so much sugar in it is probably because, without it, it would taste like a re-used packet of a mid-range ceylon. It would be neither stellar nor awful on its own and I would never drink it twice on purpose. Even after looking around the interwebs at other reviews for this /t/, I have found no others to be as descriptive in the flavor department as I have here. That...actually kinda intrigued me for personal "ah-ha!" reasons. Still, due to the sugar complementing the taste (which is comparable to a 20 oz of soda) and the low price tag, it could definitely beat going to a tea house in the summer when all I need is my daily cup-a (can-a? Oh /T/sus, what have I become?).

What: Imported Ceylon Tea (Peace Tea)
How much: $1.04 @ Walgreens
What kind: Black - "Ceylon"
Taste: Like Slumdog Millionaire if it were covered by Glee.
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (Cut some of the sugar and I'll stop drinking Tazo. Deal?)
Manliness: 5/10 (What it lacks in Sri Lankan flavor it makes up for in perpetuating on the can that Sri Lanka is, in fact, India. That takes balls, advertising and development team.)

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