Saturday, January 15, 2011

When in Rome, drink with the Irish

I woke up feeling like P. Diddy, Ke$ha and Amy Winehouse. 2 words: blood everywhere. Time for some Twinings to help me get through the morning as fast as possible. Steps to replicate fastest /t/ea ever:
1) Plug in microwave. If you have one that is old enough to need to be turned on, stop reading this as you are not worth my time.
2) Put cup full of liquid, preferably, but not limited to, water into microwave. Heat that shit up.
3) Tear open tea packet with something sharp, a machete works well here. Put that shit in the other shit and wait. Patience is not manly, but you'll have to suck it up here, or else you'll be drinking plain old hot water. You ever drink from the shower?
4) Drink /t/ea until finished. If you desire more, allow woman/women to refill your cup until satisfied.

I wielded my machete and chose the Irish Breakfast /t/ea. I figured it was better than Earl Grey because it was Irish. The Irish have plenty of manly things to brag about: alcoholic beverages, alcoholics, bar fights, and Leprechauns. After very little thought, I sipped the dark brown liquid in front of me and was a little "meh'd" by it.

Much like any other breakfast blend in the civilized world, this stuff's purpose to get you caffeinated and give you cotton mouth. If someone woke up and said, "Awww yeaaah, I'mma get my breakfast flava ON!" then they would be disappointed. The /t/ package suggests using milk and sugar. My cereal also suggests this...but at least it tastes fine on its own. I believe that if you drink this /t/ for taste, you are a divorced coffee drinker trying to quit drinking grog but still wanting the bitterness of life in every cup. You wake up every morning saying life can only get better but then you take a sip and realize that life sucks and you just grew a 3-inch beard.

So why would I rate this tea so high? Breakfast is legit. Cereal sells better than gold bricks. If you find a way to piggy-back, by all means, do it. If they took out the word "breakfast", Twinings would be looking at a semi-bland tea that would be a class above Lipton. Just by leaving in this word, they guarantee a share of the market. My inner economist is going "cha-ching" as I will now be marketing a new breakfast line of dresses and dildos on Oprah.

What: Irish Breakfast Tea (Twinings)
How much: $0.14/ bag
What kind: Black - Breakfast
Taste: Lipton with added class
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 since it supports eating large amounts of sugary corn products at an early time of day.
Manliness: 9/10. "Irish" is Latin for "chest hair" and this tea gets nearly as black as Guinness. Might as well pour some beer in it and call it a night.

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