The Tea Before Christmas: brought to you by nude fat chicks, girls pouring eggnog on themselves, and duckface

Podcast 8: The Tea Before Christmas 



What: Canton Beeng Cha (Canton Tea Co.)
How much: a lot (not sure which one we got)
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Like drinking an Aztec clay pot
Repeat Drinkability: 3.5/10 (This is the Color Me Mine of tea)
Manliness: 4/10 (On a scale from one to concrete, clay is a four)



Don't bother trying to figure out the title. It's a google target thing. Also just to get this straight, we don't like reviewing bad tea. It's funny sure, but our mouths go through enough with all our bad language.



The Tea Blag's TTNBC:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the spot
Not a cup was I stirring, not even FRESH POTS.
The teabags were hung, but nobody cared,
Since there was only but Lipton in there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of fat chicks danced in their heads.
And Tea_Pain in his third steep, and I in my fifth,
Had just racked our brains over this shit.

When out in the mail there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my mic to see what's the matter.
Away to the lobby I flew like a flash,
Tore open the package and threw up the stash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen chick
From Thirsty Thursday She asked for my--
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature teapot, and a eight tea samp-leer.

With a little old green tea, so grassy and meh,
I knew in a moment it must be totes gay.
More boring than than Lipton, first course was tame,
But then I looked and saw all these by name!

"Now Joy! now, Boston! now, Element and Canton!
On, Butiki! On, Rishi! on Chicago Tea Garden!
To the top of my box! to the top it was stuffed!
Now brew that shit! Brew that shit! Brew that shit up!"

As dry leaves that before the tea come,
When they meet with a force: Beasts of Brewdom.
So up to the pad, with box in my arm,
Tea_Pain looked over at me with a look full of smarm.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stove
The whistling and screeching of some boiling hot.
As I steep in the tea, and was brewing a pound,
Down the staircase Adam came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedophile, out for a snack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! how happy his jowl!
His badgers smelled roses, his nose smelled the PAO!
The tea was now brown, and smelled like dank weed,
And my hairy nose started smelling his mead.

We then saw the lapsang in our new batch of tea,
And adding some gin made the smoke taste sweet.
We got fucking drunk, Used Car Smell Part II,
Then made some Teaception, BWOOOOOOOON!

We went on our Twitter and trolled for a few,
Apparently nobody's on at 3 except Jews!
I wondered if Adam ever got with that chick,
They went to Dobra, heard she wanted the dick.
------------------
Adam, how'd you fuck that up?
-------------------
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the stairs he rose!

We finished the last steep, to our sponsors, we tasted,
Fucking motherfucker I'm so caffeinated.
Good thing we recorded this or else "fucked" we would be
"Happy Christmas to all, and Give us more fucking tea!"













blah blah blah fat chicks, girls pouring eggnog on themselves, duckface, google algorithm words

SPONSOR: Canton Tea, Riskopoly, and the Fall of Pao

You know what to do.

Podcast 7: The Fall of Pao

What: Huo Shan Huang Ya (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Yellow Buds
How much: $10.68/oz
What kind: Yellow (apparently this exists)
Taste: Kinda like zucchini scented smart water
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (equivalent to water)
Manliness: 7/10 (see podcast for discussion)

What: Da Hong Pao (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Big Red Robe
How much: $9.79/oz
What kind: Oolong (or in this case BOOOOlong)
Taste: If this were the only pao in the world, we would just kill ourselves.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (worst PAO ever...seriously omgwtfbbq)
Manliness: 0.0/10 (the Kristen Stewart of PAO)

SPONSOR: Lick my Butiki

Vote in the god damned troll poll already.  Then and only then can you play the new podcast.

Podcast 6: Lick my Butiki



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What: Raspberry Truffle (Butiki Teas)
How much: $5.00/oz
What kind: Black/Chocolate
Taste: We were Jwoww'd by this tea
Repeat Drinkability: 5.5/10 (Liquid 'merica, aka Cheesecake Factory juice, can only stem dehydration for so long)
Manliness: 7.5/10 (Manly things are oft-hated by women, see podcast for explanation)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What: Cantaloupe & Cream (Butiki Teas)
How much: $11.00/oz
What kind: White
Taste: Like drinking cucumber juice from your new, hip juicer
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Comparable to water)
Manliness: 4.5/10 (These melons were already creamed)

Movember: Tea_Pain

Movember: DukeOEarl

Before:

After:

 

The Kama eSutras

Check out the podcast below and vote on the troll poll above!  See the podcast for full descriptions of the answers.  For whatever reason the title won't show up.  The question is: What technique should Tea_Pain use to meet women at the bars?

Podcast 5: The Blag's experience with the Kama eSutras





What: Defense (eSutras Organics)
How much: $2.50/oz
What kind: Herbal
Taste: I just drank the insides of a thrift store.
Repeat Drinkability: 0/10 (Pretty sure Pig Pen wouldn't wash himself with this stuff)
Manliness: 0/10 (Too many words in the description.  We like shit simple.  Like an abstract.)


What:    ALL (eSutras Organics)
How much: $2.50/oz
What kind: Herbal
Taste: Fuck my tongue into pieces, this is my last herbal. Shoulda had a darjeeling, don't give a fuck if this tastes like it's healing. This is my last herbal.
Repeat Drinkability: 0/10 (This isn't the kind of thing you should put by your mouth)
Manliness: 7/10 (Men love dirty things)

EDIT: Duke is blaming Pain for no pics. WTF Tea_Pain.

SPONSOR: Thanksgiving Special Brought to you by Butiki Tea and Fat Chicks!

Click to play below! Also GoogleImage "fat chicks" to get us to #1! (safe search off, men)

Podcast 4: Thanksgiving Special 2011



What: Wild Purple Bud Pu-erh (Butiki Tea)
How much: $17 million an oz
What kind: pu-erh
Taste: butter / showered female
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (See the argument between Pain and Duke)
Manliness: 2/10 (Butter, lettuce, showers.. I mean srsly)

What: Teaducken
How much: ????
What kind: ???
Taste: made Tea_Pain vomit
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (I'm force-feeding this to Pain whenever I can -Duke)
Manliness: 10/10 (Gravy and tea?!!! Yes please.)

SPONSOR: 99 problems but a Butiki ain't one

Click to play below.  Check the podcast for last week's troll poll results!

Podcast 3: 99 problems but a Butiki ain't one

What: Pistachio Ice Cream  (Butiki teas)
How much: $4.75 / oz 
What kind: Pistachio, Green
Taste: Like a Rachael Ray snack
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (see podcast)
Manliness: 5/10 (a mix between aerobics and deez results in 5)

What: Royal Golden Safari   (Butiki teas)
How much: $11.50 / oz  :-O
What kind: Kenyan, black
Taste: Dark chocolate malt
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (smooth like the barrel of a poacher's gun)
Manliness: 9/10 (you will make rhinos extinct if you drink this tea)

We'd like to extended a thank you to Joy's Teaspoon / Naomi for featuring us on Naomi's blog for Movember.  Check it out here.  Also buy some tea from our sponsors!

SPONSOR: The Stash Strikes Back

Click play below, and answer the troll poll after listening, damn it! Hint: it's on the right.

Podcast 2: The Stash Strikes Back



What: Christmas Morning
How much: ~$3.00/ oz (loose)
What kind: Frankentea
Taste: Even if it's loose leaf, a BLACK tea that is this bland on the palette is rare for obvious reasons.
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10  (It's incredibly safe... don't like too much tea flavor? you're in luck. Have about 3 pounds of sugar you don't know what to do with? Throw it in here. Need something to water your plants every other day? Use a Budweiser.)
Manliness: 4/10 (KFC is still the only place we know that can throw a whole bunch of shit in a bowl and make it taste good.)


What: Red Chai
How much: ~2.50/oz (loose)
What kind: Rooibos
Taste: Like Christmas, ironically.
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10  (Repeat steeps for a rooibos and it's pretty dece for a spicy tea. We'd use this as body wash if 1) we weren't men or 2) we didn't already smell like bacon.)
Manliness: 3/10 (What makes the red man red? Being caught drinking this in public.)

The /T/ea Blag v2.0

Welcome to the Tea Blag v2.0

Click play below, and as always, let us know what you think about the new format.

Podcast 1: The Return of the Blag




What:  Lipton...again...this is like pooping while running
How much: This is cheaper than dirt...yes
What kind: Dirt Tea
Taste: See podcast, but for a tl;dr, suspiciously dirt-tasting
Repeat Drinkability: 0.5/10  (Like multiple oral hara-kiri's.)
Manliness: 1/10  (Richard Simmons once shit a rainbow more manly than this)

The End of the Blag: a post worthy of nudity, Bar Refaeli, January Jones, and shameless Google-oriented titles.

And so ends the Tea Blag in the final epic conclusion dedicated to Bar Refaeli, January Jones, sex, manliness, and the number of google searches that this will bring us, unnecessarily.  This is a long post, so sit down with some tea and enjoy it.  Also there is no nudity but the language may be NSFW if you're an Elementary School teacher.

There is actually tea being reviewed in this post. OMGRLY.

Last weekend I took my first airplane ride since Seattle.  I had to go out of town for a brief but necessary weekend business trip.  This is how the flight back went:

SPONSOR: The Stanky Leg, The Bernie, and now...

We're kinda mixing it up right now since we have 2 sponsors at once. We received a couple /t/s from The Tea and Jazz House after giving them some input on their new website.  Wait, you mean their /t/s are all named after jazzy people?  But I took a class on jazz musicians and only "Cole" pops out (notice how it has rooibos from AFRICA and CHOCOLATE, lolol), how are we supposed to drink based off our musical needs?  Easy. We chose the /t/ with random-ass names.  For instance, "The Krall", which I thought was probably a dance made up in low-income nightclubs in Atlanta.

First off, aesthetically, the tin is pretty toned down and simplistic: stainless steel with some laminated labels.  Looks like some guy just went to his label maker and slapped a couple on and shipped em out... not that that's bad or anything.  Once you open the container, you realize that physics has been bended.  The speed of smell far outpaces the speed of light and, for once, Stephen Hawking makes sense.  The smell is nearly to the point of overbearing sweetness.  Instead of the expected apple and pear smell, I was instead nasally assaulted by berries dunked in corn syrup with a honey glaze.  It's a stretch, but I guess this could be similar to a fruit cup, extra syrup.  Those chunks in there, after a personal taste test, were definitely pear-like and were still chewy.  Ok /t/, I'm expecting good things out of you. Shut up and get in the boiling water!

Lipton's younger brother is angry, has a gun

DukeOEarl:  Today we try the edgier, more ironic (see: hipster) younger brother of Lipton, Nestea.  While we don't expect this to be even close to remotely good, we are keeping our minds open.  By the way, Tea_Pain and I have a truce right now to keep one of us from walking out of the house with all the tea and the children.  Basically, we need marriage counseling.  Anyway: tea.  We steeped the tea for one minute as it turned dark black.  Like the picture below.  I was a bit excited.  Tea_Pain cried a little.

Pirates would love this tea if...

...if it had more grog in it.

Tea_Pain and I are in the middle of a divorce.  Because of the Dart girl incident.  It's funny cause his film shows more of my ass than anything remotely related to heterosexual intercourse.  We're not fighting over the cheating or the videotaping.  Basically, I'm trying to get him to go to film school cause he sucks.  And he doesn't want to go.  What a baby.  I offered him my left tit to suckle, and he said he wanted a divorce.  My answer: "Bring it fatty."

SPONSOR: /T/ouché

Dart girl is a bad liar
Duke just can't say no
Tea_Pain, closet film maker

Oh, look at that, Tea_Pain is an amazing poet too. I'm like Shel fucking Silverstein in his prime.  Here Duke, have a limerick:

Tea_Pain once sat in his closet
Waiting for Duke to come bop it
He sat in a chair
Camera focused where
Duke came before Dart girl touched it.

Thanks to working a half-day, the filming of that tape will that make an excellent, future blackmailing.  Now I shall /t/.

Harney and Sons Earl Grey reminds me of Grease

It's officially summer time.  Yeah duh right?  Actually, that's not what I meant.  It's officially summer time because me drinking outside in the sun with someone else's girlfriend officially started today.  Whose girlfriend?  Tea_Pain's.  And he's at work.

Oh look and here's some tea.

Bar Refaeli let's Duke out of her basement and into her garage

What up y’all.  Your Duke is back.  Boy, the Cayman Islands are beautiful this time of year.  Actually they’re beautiful every time of year; I feel like rubbing it in.  But really, I was here.  I’ll be updating regularly until further notice.  It’s good to see Tea_Pain can actually write without constant help.  Maybe he can get a job as a tea reviewer for a newspaper or something if he keeps it up.  He deserves a cookie.

Anyway, we’re about the tea here (or /t/), so let’s get to it.  Frankly, I’ve missed tea since the only thing they have in the Cayman’s is coffee or English tea (see: Bear Grylls favorite tea).  Time to brew up a pot of some Twinings Earl Grey.

SPONSOR: The dragonwell dries up

Even though we got one in the mail a looooong time ago, we still have yet to review a Dragonwell /t/.  And, well...  Duke is said to be back in the very near future after being released from JFK's detention center.  Apparently he and about 90 other passengers were stranded on a plane and so he started a kid-fighting ring to help entertain the passengers.  Think this, but with 2 year olds and parents screaming at them like they were losing a game of tee-ball.  According to Queens PD, what Duke did was illegal and, while he continued to state both children were fighting in self-defense, he had to stick it out for a couple days in a county jail and pay a fine.

Back to the point I was getting at before: Duke isn't the biggest fan of green /t/.  So I thought, before he gets back, why not review one kind I've been trying to review for awhile?  As the last /t/ they thrust upon our blag, BTC gave us a solid hundo of their Dragonwell.  Dear caffeine receptors, I am going to destroy you the only way the Chinese know how.  Let us begin.

SPONSOR: Smack my peach up

Who was the first guy to put peaches in his /t/ and say "Fuckin A, Jeffrey, this tastes marginally better than when I didn't have peaches in it!"?  The same goes for ginger and apricots.  Who stuck a piece of fruit/root in their /t/ and thought it magically tasted better?  I can see lemons, but dryer fruits like the ones I threw out there just...don't jump out at me.  Maybe these people all came together one morning and collectively said "Fuck gin pong, I'm never playing that again. What could I throw in here to make black /t/ taste less like coffee?"  And, in a bit of drunken clairvoyance, they made a /t/-version of Wop and dranketh from their goblets.  I present to you today's version of said concoction:

/T/sus.  I didn't know I was gonna be steeping trail mix.  Those chunks in there? Yeah, those are apricots.  How can I tell? Because those fuckers were the bane of my existence whenever I was trying to get the GOOD pieces (see: M&M's and mango slices) out of trail mix.  There were also some fuzzy-ish solids in the bag, and rather than label those as "mold", I dubbed them as the supposed "peaches".  No real ginger to be seen, but upon opening the bag, I got a big whiff of overly-sugared peaches and, there it is, a slight spiciness.  As pungent as the smell may be, I actually liked it.  It's hard to really discern each individual smell, but I'll just say it smells extremely sweet.

SPONSOR: Boston > Michelle Bachmann

Duke called. Probably from a coconut as the reception was shit.  He said he has about a week until he's back from whatever Caribbean excursion he went on (something about voodoo and rainforests or some shit).  He told me how much coffee has been forced upon him by the locals. He actually told me about the times (yes, multiple) he got malaria from being so much of a man (manliness attracts female mosquitos. Yeah, I just accidentally some science all over you).  Luckily, he survived multiple Bar Rafaeli encounters and drank enough rum, thus allowing his man card to remain intact. Be excited. The man is pissed off at the world and this is one of his few outlets.

In the meantime, BTC lucks out as I don't hate life nearly as much as Duke does, and thus, I don't entirely take it out on them.  Though, being halfway through their /t/ samples, I'm a little surprised as to how well they're holding up. Normally we'd find out that half the /t/ tastes like mermaid vagina and have to berate the company into submission.  No dice yet... but I AM reviewing a /t/bag today. And shit, if nothing else, I know they're already the "special" kids on the playground when compared to looseleaf.

SPONSOR: /T/anorexia

Ok, men.  There comes a time in every man's life when he has to drink and type. Or drive. Or do something dangerous under the influence of alcohol to prove that he is worthy of owning testicles. So, being the intoxicated reviewer that I am, I need to drink something so this hangover doesn't affect my interning abilities in the morning.  Oh shit, BTC sent me a black /t/, best known for their hangover-destroying characteristics.
"Ceylon Symphony", ey?  "Bright and Lively...Wonderful...The", ey?  According to these descriptives, I am about to become the world's peppiest Battlestar Galactica character. The joy inside me simply cannot wait to explode out of my dimples. /T/sus, grab me a fricken mug and let's MAN UP.

Look at alllllll that dust.  And the /t/ has yet another descriptive word- "delicate".  A ceylon, delicate? Really? A delicate black /t/ is like saying, "Oh ya, Raper John fooled around with a poodle or two in his day and then sold them to the Thai restaurant when he was done with them. Cool guy."  My main point... it's just not that common.  Also, I hope that dust doesn't make its way into the /t/ or else I'm gonna be drinking soup.

SPONSOR: Pyramid Scheme

I've always loved a good con: bachelors degrees from small liberal arts colleges, fake boobs, televangelists, etc. (though, when you get fucked by the fake boobs you actually enjoy it).  So when I looked into my huge box of samples and found a small sandwich bag full of /t/bags, I thought "Ok, this should make my mouth hate me today."  Oh hai, pyramid /t/bags.  Hopefully you're not as bad as the gimmick Lipton tried to pull a couple years back.  BTC better have their shit together on this one, nobody deserves to be associated with the L-word.

I opened up one of the /t/bags and was slapped by what seemed to be an angry black woman in church.  The smell was so pungent and so... good.  This smelled like the earthiest, sweetest Darjeeling I've ever witnessed.
Let's be honest, usually when I have this pungent of a /t/bag (see: anything Bigelow), it's a sign that the taste is artificial.  On top of that, the /t/ in the bag is usually worth about as much as the dirt I walk upon. Let's brew this bitch up.

SPONSOR: Boston's cherry just got pwnd

So, I took the advice of Rebecca Black and had so many "fun's" last night that I didn't wake up until 2 PM.  Success!  So what'd I do while I waited on Dart girl to get done with work?  I told my hangover to shut the fuck up and take it like a champ.  As I tried to piece together what happened between a dozen pulls of Kraken and making a 5 mile trek home on a bike, I went and got me a bag of /t/.  As is usual during my mid-hangover fluid binge, I wondered longingly, "What would late-80's hair band Warrant drink?"  Due to budget constraints and a jealous female, I cannot afford their answer. Instead, I had to settle for the similarly-named, less fake-titted /t/ from our sponsor, Sweet Cherry White.

Our /T/ guy is full of win.

Our /t/ guy got us another sponsor (obligatory "thaaaanks"), and uh, either he's really good at talking them up or the girl working PR and Marketing wants us really bad.  So I get home from work today and there's our /t/ guy sitting on the futon with a big ass box in front of him, grinning at me like he just screwed both of my sisters 5 minutes ago, and he points to the box.  I lifted that beast up and shook it around until I knew anything living inside was gone for good and I thought... it isn't /T/mas, why is there a box in my hands?  He tells me to open the damn thing and, sure enough, about 2 pounds of /t/ comes falling out.  I kinda felt like I was on the receiving end of an R. Kelly dream, only this was actually pleasant and less damp/illegal.

So, without further bullshit, I would like to welcome our newest sponsor, The Boston Tea Company.  Thanks for throwing your /t/ overboard and into our blag.  Also, thanks to you, the next time someone asks us how we sleep at night we can say, "We can't."  Reviews, you can has dem.

I, for one, welcome our local /t/ overlords.

Ok, Rishi, I get it.  You own Milwaukee.  If you were playing me in Riskopoly right now, I would be begging you for mercy as you clearly control everything but Mediterranean (which is way undervalued, in my opinion).  You also got to colonize the moon and get an extra 10 armies per turn because of that.  I GET IT.  So, rather than fight against you like my anti-establishment, Madisonian instincts are directing me to do, I will give you a shot as my /t/ overlord.  Who knows, I might go back to the mindset that you guys put out good shit on a regular basis.

Recently, Rishi has been talking up their Coconut Oolong as if it's the ugly girl with rich parents putting out dating ads on said daughter's behalf.  It's like they put on the sign stating "HEY, WE'RE RICH! TAKE OUR UGGO OUT FOR WALKS AND YOU CAN HAVE AN XBOX!"  Similar to that situation, ordering this /t/ started out pretty bittersweet.  First of all, I'm not a huge fan of coconut.  Due to it being summer, every drink with ice and a straw has fucking coconut in it, so I'm already agitated. And second, I was being served at a coffee shop, which are generally notorious for bad portions, scalding water, and TEA BAGS.  

It was my. fucking. day.

Disregard free time, acquire /t/

I got lost on a deserted island for about a month.  I fucking killed a polar bear. Life didn't make sense and every hour or so an Inception would tell me the episode I was in just ended. Also, John Locke is the human version of /T/sus.

But seriously, I just got the internet at my place this week (after waiting for about 3 weeks, thanks for that, AT&T) for the summer. So while Duke is getting ready to come back from his island vacation with Bar Rafaeli, I'll be updating ya'll on a few new samples we should be getting in... tomorrow.

Again, sorry for the mini-vacation we took. We'll be back to feeding the /t/ troll toll shortly. Absolutely no fucks will be given, as per usual.

Deuces,
Tea_Pain & DukeOEarl

Edward 40-Hands: Classy Edition

Bad about moving for an internship: Rishi, though great, has virtually taken over the entirety of the Milwaukee area leaving me with little-to-no variety outside of their own.

Good about moving for an internship: I finally have a /t/ CLOSET.

Because my /t/ closet was currently all reviewed, I decided to check out Trader Joe's to see if they had the mysterious and often sought-after Tejava. In Madison, I couldn't get off my ass to go down Monroe St. and buy a bottle because it was eternally winter.  Now, since I don't want to drink Rishi every...single...day, I figured I'd venture out and buy a bottle.  Luckily, the closest Trader Joe's had a few bottles in stock. I heard a lot about it from the interwebs when looking for newer /t/ brands and everybody raved.  I guess it's time to meet your maker.

An Update From Your Duke

Hi Blagees.  It's been a while.  I am away on vacation at the moment, but I needed to take the time out for a chat with my favorite people on the internet.

Earlier today, while sitting on my yacht off the Cayman Islands, I found out that my future wife, January Jones, is in fact not carrying my baby; she is carrying some other douche's baby from the new, crappy X-Men movie.  Well, you can imagine my rage.  I called up Ms. January and told her that we were through.  My future wife sleeping around again is unacceptable.  So I called up Bar Refaeli who said that she would be happy to be my new future wife cause Leo kicked her ass to the curb (and we both need rebound sex).

Anyway just a heads up.  I'll be back when I feel like it.  Give Tea_Pain a hard time for me.

Throw it in the bag

So I'm currently living without the internet and Duke is on vacation (woooot summer). Somewhat luckily, there's a nearby Starbucks with free Wi-Fi.  Actually, that's a lie- I was approached by an employee while sitting outside and was forced to come in and buy something to use the "free" Wi-Fi.  I decided that, hell, this would be a decent opportunity to do a review of a random Tazo /t/.  I ordered an Italian-named medium of what appeared to be something new from Tazo: Joy.

Now, if you've never heard of Tazo's "Joy", let me explain why you should be curious: it is the Captain Planet of /t/.  How so?  Is there the scent of a small, effeminate Amazonian boy in there?  Does a man who looks like Skeeter's superhero dad burst out of the cup and piss all over your SUV?  Do you really believe that the power is yours after finishing the most expensive cup of /t/ in the suburbs?  Fucking no to all of that (except a possible maybe to the first one).  This abomination is trying to make /t/ blends look bad, in my opinion. Rather than mix in a couple ingredients to enhance a /t/, Tazo decided to throw all their dildos in a bag and do a massive, plastic cockslap to the entire /t/ industry.  Even I was pretty insulted upon realizing I was handed a $3 cup of hot water with a "loose leaf" teabag (it doesn't matter what you say Starbucks, looseleaf in a teabag is not looseleaf. Keep trying though, it might catch on due to it being so ironic).

To Teavana and Back

As we all know, Teavana is a great example of the generic "Sales 101" scenario.  "You like a product? Well here's one that's twice as good because it costs twice as much!" or "Do you need any accessories for that hobby associated with our store? Because we have twice as many expensive models of the thing you need for sale."  I know... I can tell everything in Teavana must be amazing because of the price.  I mean, let's go DEEPER and theoretically show that, because their /t/ is so expensive, it must be so high in demand that people were lining up out the door.  I present you with the line I saw stopping traffic and averting those too weak to stand in line for months to get their Monkey-Picked Oolong (which I'm still convinced is afflicted with meh-itis)...

...or not... 

Riskopoly and the inevitable Rapture

Hey y'all.  Check out the full Riskopoly and Tea and Rapture sponsored by Element Tea:

Post 1: Puppies, Sunshine, and Rainbows
Post 2: Deez Coconuts
Post 3: Kill it with fire...
Post 4: I'mma get that bitch a cannon
Post 5: The tea that sank a thousand dollars...
Post 6: The North and South fighting...
Post 7: The Osama bin Laden of Tea

Modified, balanced Riskopoly rules to come.

7) Riskopoly and Tea: The Osama bin Laden of Tea

Premise: So it was down to Pain and Brosef #1.  Quickly actually.  Pain still profited from an epic secret deal that he and Duke disguised during the whole "Fuck Duke" campaign by Brosef #1.  But Pain pulled it through.  Because of time constraints he decided to agree to a draw with Brosef #1, i.e. Pain is now known as Sally the Candy Striper.

6) Riskopoly and Tea: The North and South fighting over the Southern belle

Premise: After Duke was eliminated from the Risk board because the other players decided that Duke and Pain's agreement was not legal (because Duke was typing a previous post while doing the trade), Pain lead his epic conquest of the Southern portion of N.A..  Duke sat bitterly in the corner, plotting his revenge on the other players who clearly don't understand subterfuge and rush-bummery and drinking tea.

5) Riskopoly and Tea: The /T/ That Sank a Thousand Dollars in Australia

DukeOEarl: One of the great things about Riskopoly is the ability to extort money from other players.  However, it particularly sucks when it happens to you.  Such is the case with Pain, who was told by Brosef #1, "Give up your monopoly or you will be wiped off the Risk board by my 22 armies in Africa." So Pain, being the capitalist pig that he is, sees an opportunity to profit from such a threat.  Pain trades two of the monopoly properties to Duke, dissolving the monopoly, with the conditions unknown to Brosef #1 that in two Risk turns, the properties will return to Pain, and I will be paid $1000.  Since Brosef #1 was still in the act of buying the armies when extorting the Pain, I decided to place the armies in Asia and finally wiped out the freshman via a backdoor.  However, he lost a lot of armies and Pain promptly took Central America to prevent Brosef 2 from holding all of N.A.

4) Riskopoly and Tea: I'mma get that bitch a cannon

Tea_Pain: Bitches love cannons. So I bought my Panamanian bitch a cannon and started running train on North America.  Oh you want to destroy my continent? Fuck yes I do.

DukeOEarl: Yeah, and you know what China? You're gonna die too.  Why? Because you have fucking Nepal and Nepal loves to be in the middle of war.  Free Tibet? I'm about to liberate you all to heaven with my chariots and tanks.  Also free ice cream for all my citizens on Wednesdays.

3) Riskopoly and Tea: Kill it with fire, like the rainforest

Tea_Pain: After the freshman was too stupid to resist $1000 for the biggest trade rape of the year, he decided that he would takeover Europe instead of the rest of N.A. for which he had the majority of the countries.  And by takeover Europe, we meant take over Greenland, stopped his onslaught, and was promptly slaughtered in N.A. by Brosef #1 who had the rest of N.A..  With all his troops on loosely spanning Asia and Europe, the freshman will probably be killed, spreading mass death and destruction across the icy tundra other than that which was caused by the installation of oil pipelines or melting glaciers.  Someone should call his mommy again and tell her about his boo-boo.

2) Riskopoly and Tea: Deez Coconuts

DukeOEarl:  So Tea_Pain started out by taking the rest of South America, and I started by taking the rest of Australia.  We formed an underground alliance by texting each other (as is common practice in Riskopoly).  A young, naive freshman (see: Riskopoly n00b a.k.a. blue) who the guys are trying to school on all things manly got stuck with half of Europe and Asia.  I, being the selfless champion that I am, decided to teach the freshman the hard way by trading $1000 for a monopoly property that gave me the second worst monopoly on the board (see: trade rape).  But since money is money, the monopoly will end up paying dividends and the other guys will probably kill the freshman for how dumb he is.  Pain's laughter and smart-ass insults caused the freshman to quickly phone his mommy and therapist.

1) Riskopoly and Tea: Puppies, sunshine and rainbows

And so it begins... Our game of 5 players begins at the last sign of peace.  To celebrate the Gandhi-ness of the first turn, we steeped some Serene Green and got to work on building up our monopolistic empires.  Duke and I (race car and top hat)  Having played the game several times in the past, look to build upon past success in the monetary aspects of the game so as to royally screw over everyone later.  Undoubtedly, this should end well.  On to the Risk board...

Dart girl gets baptized

Took the woman out for /t/ yesterday. You know, trying to keep things "adventurous" and what not (and she had a gift certificate for Dobra that was expiring soon).  So, seeing that life has reaped hours upon hours of free time upon me recently, I decided a /t/ date would fit in well here.

As Dart girl looked at the menu, probably wondering about which /t/ had pomegranate in it, I sat contently.  You know, there are many strange and unanswered happenings in life.  I mean, a 4-some with 3 girls, that's pretty unique. Or, for another example, the Cleveland Cavaliers ever being good at basketball again.  Neither of those, though, can usurp the power that is experiencing  THE PAO.  I ordered that shit as if it were my last beverage, because that's the way it should fucking be.  Noticing I had missed it, Dart girl ordered the honey... I shed a single tear of joy.

Riskopoly: Sponsored by Element Tea

Recently, we received a large sampling of /t/ from Element Tea. We also recently finished finals week.  So, in order to say "fuck the establishment" and make full use of a metric shit-ton of /t/, we decided to dedicate an entire day to the manliest activity we've ever had the pleasure to experience and share.  If you're thinking a monster truck show at the Super Bowl driven entirely by a team of velociraptors with barbed wire tattoos and Gatling guns standing in for their stubby, useless arms, you're only slightly off.  That's right bitches, we're gonna be playing RISKOPOLY.

The line into my Russian Caravan starts here, ladies

While sitting on my front porch man-tanning with an IPA and reading War and Peace for the twelfth time, I decided that this testosterone fest could only get more manly with a mug of tea.  What's more manly than a mug of tea?  That's right...only a mug of Da Hong Pao.  But since I'm out of Pao (le gasp), I've got to try some of this Russian Caravan.  There is about to be manliness everywhere.  Step up ladies.

If she calls you her soul maté, tell her about your herpes

Tea_Pain:  Well, I got done with finals really early this semester.  Why?  Because I plan this shit out ahead of time.  You know, so I have time to play video games and hit on girls at the library while pretending to study. It's kinda like Hanukkah except I just get my 8 crazy nights when it's above freezing. So while Duke was off studying for Clap for Credit, I brewed up some Mango Maté "tea".

It's safe to say that neither Duke nor I have ever had a maté before.  Why?  Because it's not really /t/.  I mean, if you count steeping things other than /t/ in boiling water to be "tea", then I guess, sure.  In reality, maté is just another continent's failed attempt to be like Asia.  Also, am I the only one who thinks mangoes taste like carrots?  Swear to IGOM, they're the same flavor.  This shit better not taste like V8, damn it.

Sponsor: I Love Gooooold

DukeOEarl:  Apparently, this tea is a treasure.  Perhaps this is the King Midas tea we've been looking for?  Maybe this is actually the Goldschlager of tea (having gold flakes in it)!  Nope.  It's just tea.  Hmm.  It smells herby, like sage or something.  And like italian sausage.  Wait.  WTF?  Is this real life?

Sponsor: La Fleur de Tea

DukeOEarl:  Next up on our East Pacific Tea Co. sponsorship is the "Foreign Affair" tea.  Let's see the ingredients: rose hips, lavender, raisins, blueberries, rose petals....  If this isn't marketed directly to middle-aged sex-crazed women, I don't know what is.  Ohhhh it's also from France...this will end well.  Especially cause France is super-aching for a revolution over the recently raised retirement age.  Viva lol resis/t/ance.

Sponsor: Honey Gold is my favorite pr0nstar

DukeOEarl: First off - Osama bin Lolden. Amerikuh. Freedomboner.

Tea_Pain: Thanks, now that we're done with the token patriotism, we can move on to... ANOTHER SPONSORSHIP!  Lucky for us, East Pacific Tea Co. sent us a few ounces of their finest green...er... black. Sure, we had to wait awhile to get the /t/, but I think this should be worth it... or else we'll go all-out Lipton on it.  Maybe it's because they're located in Massachusetts?  That's like...far far east Pacific.  This is gonna be tits. Day one of our EPTC sponsorship begins with some Honey Gold.

You've Been Gone Much Oolong

Another successful weekend of college partying left me and Tea_Pain with several cuts and bruises that we can't explain and Tea_Pain with some hickeys that he can't explain to Dart Girl.  Can you say hot water?

Speaking of hot water, let's drink some tea!

Can't Afford Beer Cause I'm Fujian Baroque

Since it is no longer below freezing temperatures in Wisconsin, grilling season has started.  What better way is there to celebrate the best season of the year (i.e. Stanley Cup Playoff season) than with a massive hunk of bloody flesh and a twelve pack of Guinness?  I certainly can't think of a better way.  Oh wait...you know, some tea might go well with my 24 oz porterhouse of dinosaur meat...

Lichee Congou in Paradise

Wellp. Madison's weather can go eat all the dicks.  It's almost May and we've had maybe 2-3 days above 60ºF here.  It's been overcast, humid, and just above the point where "socks and sandals" are allowed. Oh hey, that describes fucking TODAY. Or England, the Seattle of Europe. Fuck it, I need /t/.

SimplyJenW really liked us, apparently.  On a scale from one to /t/, we're not even half-done with what she sent us.  Because this weather sucks more than not having frozen pizzas on a daily basis, I decided to try one of her more "exotic" samples.  I took my shirt off, turned the heat up to 75, and blasted some Jimmy Buffett while I brewed up some "Lichee Congou".

The best ride at Epcot is the one where they take your walle/t/

Last week, I received a shipment of tea from a ladyfriend in Seattle.  Well at least the shipment was from Seattle.  I can't imagine trying to grow tea there, what with all the hipsters.  The tea would never get harvested because all the potential workers would still be reliving the 90's and putting their time in at food co-ops.

Anyway, one of the /t/'s is apparently not from a Seattle store.  It's from Disney World.  Now that the copyright of Mickey Mouse is safe until 2023, Disney can focus on the important things, like blending tea...what, really?  Disney blends tea?  Anything to squeeze an extra dollar out of unsuspecting moms taking their bratty little kids to Epcot.  It's surprising that there aren't little mouse heads in the tea, though that might taste bad...

Harney & Son's, Let's Be Friends

DukeOEarl: I'm pretty much convinced that Tea_Pain and I are going to get diabeetus, what with all the sugar and honey we consume on a daily basis, and today I learned that there is such thing as prediabeetus.  What the hell is prediabeetus?  It just sounds silly, like precancer or presyphilis.

Doctor: "I'm sorry sir, you have preAIDS."

Dude: "What?!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm afraid it's true."

Dude: "No, no, no, what the shit is preAIDS?  Is that like HIV?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid not.  It's like postHIV except not quite full blown AIDS.  Just drink three cups of Da Hong Pao per day and you'll be cured in a month."

Tea_Pain: Speaking of PAO...

/T/ea and Alcohol: The Used Car Smell

DukeOEarl:  Regaled with the Legend of Lapsang, we decided to include a L'Chong (a.k.a. Lapsang Souchong for our non-French readers) in our night of alcohol and tea.  This drink deserved its own post.  Do not try this at home.  For reals.

"Used Car Smell" - Ingredients:

• 1 part Gin
• 2 parts Lapsang Souchong
• 1 freedom fry
• 1 penny
• cigarette butts to garnish

/T/ea and Alcohol: The Saga

Tea_Pain:  We've been thinking for a while about how best to divulge our experiences with Madison's... lust for drinking.  Do we we buy a keg and get ridiculously trashed for your entertainment? Do we steep random tea bags in lukewarm Keystone to see if we can make it taste like something?  Do we invite Sarah Palin for a /t/ party while she's up in Madison saying "You betcha" and "Herp derp, Russian polar bear!"?  To us, the answer to all of these was clearly no way in hell.  We decided that, like all of our other posts, we'd let our manly ingenuity run wild.  We would set aside the night before the world-famous Mifflin Block Party to prepare our livers for cirrhosis and other fun diseases.  Plus, we thought to ourselves, how could we be "men" without binge drinking?  And so began our search for drinks in our version of Iron Bartender, secret ingredient: /t/. Our drunken thoughts follow this drinking list for the night.  In order of tasting we have:

1. Peach-Schnapps Iced Tea
2. The Girl Scout
3. Over 9000
4. Used Car Smell (merits its own review)
5. The Cougar
6. /T/n/T/
7. Wrath of the Iron Goddess
8. Apartheid
9. The Final Level

/T/ea and How to Please Your Woman Part 3: The Choclate Climax

Tea_Pain:  As we all know, anything as important as sex should be done in as quick and efficiently a manner as possible.  Therefore, our trifecta of pleasing your woman will finish off with an "O",  Chocolate "O".  The package itself smells like Yoohoo.  How can this end horribly? It can't. Yoohoo is tied for 5th place, all-time, in my rankings of best drinks ever.  Rather than eat this /t/ like a candy bar, Duke and I decided to steep it.  After steeping, we both hesitated for a second upon smelling the /t/, so I say to Duke, "Ok Duke on three we're both going to say what this smells like."

/T/ea and How to Please Your Woman Part 2: The French /T/ickler

Tea_Pain:  We got a shit-load of tea in the mail from a Steepster /t/ swap. This was our reaction.  On top of the /t/, we've noticed a strong following coming from France the past couple weeks.  This was our reaction. To further progress with the romanticism and appeal to our, how do you say, Le French crowd, we figured we'd tackle the Strawberry Tingle rooibos.  We already started her up with the rose /t/, now we have to rev her for a few minutes with the tingle.  So if she doesn't attack your lower half like a Shop-Vac in heat, you're doing it wrong.  On it's own, the /t/ smells like ground up strawberry Runts except slightly more chemical and acidic.  The smell led to Duke and I to reminisce about organic chemistry labs and the noxious fumes that destroyed our noses so long ago.  We almost miss it.

/T/ea and How to Please Your Woman Part 1: Petal to the Metal

DukeOEarl:  Tea_Pain and I have been talking recently about how the Blag has deviated from our original course of action, which was to discuss /t/ea and manly things like Riskopoly.  Since the Blag is awash with /t/, we decided to shift our focus to a more mingled discussion of /t/ and manly things, namely surprising and pleasing women.  What better way is there to please your woman than with rose petals?  Or a rose petal /t/...

/T/ai Ho

Let's be honest guys. When I grow to the ripe age of 37, life'll start spiraling downward faster than the Bears in the first 6 weeks of the season. My metaphorical ass will ache from all the bullshit I have to spew out at work, sketchy trailer park women will want to spawn enough of my kin to make being Amish seem pleasant, and I'll wish that my 400 pound heft could attract someone like Lois Griffin. Sadly, some of you might already express these feelings. All this hope isn't wasted though. That's right, I am validating your hopes and dreams. Why lead these men on, Tea_Pain? Because I can now say anything is possible. I drank /t/. From a. Fucking. CAN.

/T/his S*&^'s Gold

Recently, my future wife, January Jones, asked me, "Duke why don't you guys include a 'how-to' section on The Blag where you explain your steeping methods?  Also what color corset should I wear for you?" To which I answered, "Cause men don't follow the instructions.  We figure shit out for ourselves.  Also red." Remember that, men, when you're steeping your /t/ea.  Figure that shit out.  No instructions.

Today, I acquired some Golden Yunnan /t/ea from Rishi.  It was recommended by one of our Twitter followers who said, "Shit's gold, yo." Indeed.  It probably received its name from all the gold that it absorbs from the ground in the Yunnan province of the People's Republic of China.  That shit's everywhere around there, like cheap labor.