That's a French Ass Tea Yvonne

You know what to do.

Podcast 19: That's A French Ass Tea


(Tea_Pain needs to add pics)

What: Rooibos (Twinings)
How much: Too much
What kind: Red
Taste: Like Carrot Top's breast milk
Repeat Drinkability: 2 (Breast Milk)
Manliness: 3 (Carrot Top)

What: Peach Rooibos (Yogi)
How much: Too much
What kind: Red
Taste: Peachez n creamz nahmeans
Repeat Drinkability: 6 (The taste delay is like waiting for new George RR Martin books to come out)
Manliness: 3 (Less manly than Sporty Spice)

Bar Refaeli let's Duke out of her basement and into her garage

What up y’all.  Your Duke is back.  Boy, the Cayman Islands are beautiful this time of year.  Actually they’re beautiful every time of year; I feel like rubbing it in.  But really, I was here.  I’ll be updating regularly until further notice.  It’s good to see Tea_Pain can actually write without constant help.  Maybe he can get a job as a tea reviewer for a newspaper or something if he keeps it up.  He deserves a cookie.

Anyway, we’re about the tea here (or /t/), so let’s get to it.  Frankly, I’ve missed tea since the only thing they have in the Cayman’s is coffee or English tea (see: Bear Grylls favorite tea).  Time to brew up a pot of some Twinings Earl Grey.

When in Rome, drink with the Irish

I woke up feeling like P. Diddy, Ke$ha and Amy Winehouse. 2 words: blood everywhere. Time for some Twinings to help me get through the morning as fast as possible. Steps to replicate fastest /t/ea ever:
1) Plug in microwave. If you have one that is old enough to need to be turned on, stop reading this as you are not worth my time.
2) Put cup full of liquid, preferably, but not limited to, water into microwave. Heat that shit up.
3) Tear open tea packet with something sharp, a machete works well here. Put that shit in the other shit and wait. Patience is not manly, but you'll have to suck it up here, or else you'll be drinking plain old hot water. You ever drink from the shower?
4) Drink /t/ea until finished. If you desire more, allow woman/women to refill your cup until satisfied.

I wielded my machete and chose the Irish Breakfast /t/ea. I figured it was better than Earl Grey because it was Irish. The Irish have plenty of manly things to brag about: alcoholic beverages, alcoholics, bar fights, and Leprechauns. After very little thought, I sipped the dark brown liquid in front of me and was a little "meh'd" by it.

Much like any other breakfast blend in the civilized world, this stuff's purpose to get you caffeinated and give you cotton mouth. If someone woke up and said, "Awww yeaaah, I'mma get my breakfast flava ON!" then they would be disappointed. The /t/ package suggests using milk and sugar. My cereal also suggests this...but at least it tastes fine on its own. I believe that if you drink this /t/ for taste, you are a divorced coffee drinker trying to quit drinking grog but still wanting the bitterness of life in every cup. You wake up every morning saying life can only get better but then you take a sip and realize that life sucks and you just grew a 3-inch beard.

So why would I rate this tea so high? Breakfast is legit. Cereal sells better than gold bricks. If you find a way to piggy-back, by all means, do it. If they took out the word "breakfast", Twinings would be looking at a semi-bland tea that would be a class above Lipton. Just by leaving in this word, they guarantee a share of the market. My inner economist is going "cha-ching" as I will now be marketing a new breakfast line of dresses and dildos on Oprah.



What: Irish Breakfast Tea (Twinings)
How much: $0.14/ bag
What kind: Black - Breakfast
Taste: Lipton with added class
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 since it supports eating large amounts of sugary corn products at an early time of day.
Manliness: 9/10. "Irish" is Latin for "chest hair" and this tea gets nearly as black as Guinness. Might as well pour some beer in it and call it a night.

Sconnie Land and I/t/s Chinese Girl Infes/t/ation

Your Duke is back in Madison.  The entire Midwest looks the same, so I didn't realize it until I saw people driving like eight year old Chinese girls who had a few Four Lokos.  Ahh Wisconsin, where people drive like potato.

I woke up this morning feeling like I needed cigarette.  Fuck, I don't have any cigarettes, I thought.  What's the next best thing?  Come on Duke, you know this...sex? no. cigarettes are fun after sex...smelling those awesome fruity scented markers? no.  they don't even taste like fruit!  fuck that I want something that smells and tastes like fruit. ok Duke, come on, think...oh yeah Lapsang Souchong is like cigarettes.  duh.  I went to my cabinet and grabbed my Twinings Lapsang Souchong.  Heated up my water and poured it in my loose-leaf tea pot.  My smoke alarm went off.  Shit.  Smokey-ass Lapsang Souchong.  Get Smokey Bear up here to supervise my L'Chong brewing.

You like my French-Chinese name for it?  It seems appropriate to me since it tastes like French people protesting a reduction in their 37 days of paid vacation a year by burning down the Louvre and Chinese girls with bound feet waddling around a hillside filled with my future tea.  Lapsang Souchong is a "smoked" tea, so its smokey flavor is either taken from the wood used to smoke it or the smokey flavoring infused into the leaves.  I don't know how Twinings does theirs, but god damn I thought I was drinking a campfire.  I assume it is actually smoked.  The campfire in my mouth was smooth too, likely due to it being loose-leaf tea.

Twinings is cheap as shit too.  I don't even remember how much I paid for it.  I actually had to go to the store to figure that out, after I finished my tea though.  On my way I couldn't help but think that everyone was driving like little Chinese girls with bound feet.  I heard my smoke alarm go off in my head and remembered something I heard when I was a little kid:


"Only riot police can prevent French protest fires."

What: Lapsang Souchong aka L'Chong (Twinings)

How much: $7.33 (3.53 oz listed),  $5.59 (3.53 oz on sale)

What kind: Black - smoked

Taste: Like getting my mouth raped by Smokey Bear
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (I mean do you want to smell like a Texas barbecue every day?)

Manliness: 8/10 (smoke is manly cause fire is manly)


Sincerely,
DukeOEarl