Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, we got more PAO, you guys. This is, lyke, the best day EVAR!!
Podcast 22: Dat Pao
What: Farmers' Cooperative Banzhang '03 Shen (Verdant Tea)
How much: $10.00-13.50/oz
What kind: Pu Erh
Taste: A cross between leather and Darjeeling.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (Cause, pu erh)
Manliness: 5/10 (Because cowboys would probably like it)
What: Wuyi Mountain Big Red Robe (Verdant Tea)
How much: $6.95-9.25/oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Have you ever tasted sweet baby /t/sus' tears? It's like that only you can get more steeps out of it.
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (We have reached enlightenment)
Manliness: 9/10 (Picture Bill Shatner and Burt Reynolds as action heros / auto mechanics)
Verdant Tea decided to unknowingly sponsor a post about Duke hooking up with a successful gold-digger. We can respect Minnesota again!
Podcast 21:
What: Autumn Harvest Laoshan Black (Verdant Tea)
How much: $6.38-8.50/oz
What kind: Black
Taste: It's PAO with equal rights.
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (As prophets of the PAO, we must also appreciate the *slightly* lesser gods. So sayeth the PAO, so drinketh the /t/.)
Manliness: 10/10 (Look at your Old Spice guy, now back at the /t/... sadly, your Old Spice guy won't taste as fucking delicious as this /t/. But, he's probably as smooth as this.)
(Tea_Pain needs to start using skin cream.)
What: Xingyang Nuggets 2008 Shu (Verdant Tea)
How much: $5.60-7.50/oz
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Oatmeal in a manilla folder
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (Infinity steeps...very meh flavor. It'll also get you detained in an airport for looking like weed.)
Manliness: 3/10 (Smelled faintly of Ariel's fin. I may or may not have enjoyed this.)
What: Canton Beeng Cha (Canton Tea Co.)
How much: a lot (not sure which one we got)
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Like drinking an Aztec clay pot
Repeat Drinkability: 3.5/10 (This is the Color Me Mine of tea)
Manliness: 4/10 (On a scale from one to concrete, clay is a four)
Don't bother trying to figure out the title. It's a google target thing. Also just to get this straight, we don't like reviewing bad tea. It's funny sure, but our mouths go through enough with all our bad language.
The Tea Blag's TTNBC:
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the spot
Not a cup was I stirring, not even FRESH POTS.
The teabags were hung, but nobody cared,
Since there was only but Lipton in there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of fat chicks danced in their heads.
And Tea_Pain in his third steep, and I in my fifth,
Had just racked our brains over this shit.
When out in the mail there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my mic to see what's the matter.
Away to the lobby I flew like a flash,
Tore open the package and threw up the stash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen chick
From Thirsty Thursday She asked for my--
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature teapot, and a eight tea samp-leer.
With a little old green tea, so grassy and meh,
I knew in a moment it must be totes gay.
More boring than than Lipton, first course was tame,
But then I looked and saw all these by name!
"Now Joy! now, Boston! now, Element and Canton!
On, Butiki! On, Rishi! on Chicago Tea Garden!
To the top of my box! to the top it was stuffed!
Now brew that shit! Brew that shit! Brew that shit up!"
As dry leaves that before the tea come,
When they meet with a force: Beasts of Brewdom.
So up to the pad, with box in my arm,
Tea_Pain looked over at me with a look full of smarm.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stove
The whistling and screeching of some boiling hot.
As I steep in the tea, and was brewing a pound,
Down the staircase Adam came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedophile, out for a snack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! how happy his jowl!
His badgers smelled roses, his nose smelled the PAO!
The tea was now brown, and smelled like dank weed,
And my hairy nose started smelling his mead.
We then saw the lapsang in our new batch of tea,
And adding some gin made the smoke taste sweet.
We got fucking drunk, Used Car Smell Part II,
Then made some Teaception, BWOOOOOOOON!
We went on our Twitter and trolled for a few,
Apparently nobody's on at 3 except Jews!
I wondered if Adam ever got with that chick,
They went to Dobra, heard she wanted the dick.
------------------
Adam, how'd you fuck that up?
-------------------
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the stairs he rose!
We finished the last steep, to our sponsors, we tasted,
Fucking motherfucker I'm so caffeinated.
Good thing we recorded this or else "fucked" we would be
"Happy Christmas to all, and Give us more fucking tea!"
blah blah blah fat chicks, girls pouring eggnog on themselves, duckface, google algorithm words
Click to play below! Also GoogleImage "fat chicks" to get us to #1! (safe search off, men)
Podcast 4: Thanksgiving Special 2011
What: Wild Purple Bud Pu-erh (Butiki Tea)
How much: $17 million an oz
What kind: pu-erh
Taste: butter / showered female
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (See the argument between Pain and Duke)
Manliness: 2/10 (Butter, lettuce, showers.. I mean srsly)
What: Teaducken
How much: ????
What kind: ???
Taste: made Tea_Pain vomit
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (I'm force-feeding this to Pain whenever I can -Duke)
Manliness: 10/10 (Gravy and tea?!!! Yes please.)
Yesterday, I was heading out to a rave, when Tea_Pain told me that he had a date with Dart Girl (the one that looks like my January Jones). That's fantastic. Would you like a cookie? Then he told me it was yesterday night, and he would not be going to the rave. The. Hell. He also told me that I wasn't supposed to be drinking in my condition. Yeah about three doctors told me that too. They can all eat it. Anyway he missed a ridiculous party. Everyone was all kinds of drunk. There was some nasty beats and thus Matrix 2 orgy dancing.
Tea_Pain: ...albeit a pedestal that is still fairly low to the ground.
DukeOEarl: We decided to try another pu erh. After two mediocre or worse /t/s, we said "fuck it." We opened the little pellet, and Tea_Pain said, "I'm so scared." It smelled like the mermaid pu erh after a mud bath. Needless to say we were not looking forward to anther traumatic experience, but it actually wasn't too bad. The smell was more earthy. As per /t/ pellet protocol, we washed it before brewing, and watched it turn hella brown as we brewed it. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy. It looked like diarrhea. Tea_Pain, you're first.
Tea_Pain: I hate being the guinea pig. I smelled the /t/ and immediately started wondering if this was the end. Like Duke said, we were expecting the /t/ to fail harder than Ron Walker, but as the /t/ turned Lipton-dark, we noticed that we were dealing with a less....uh...woman-like aroma. I can definitely see why people say pu erh tastes like dirt now. Still, I was pretty impressed to feel out something similar to dried oats after a couple swigs. About halfway through the drink, I added honey and the /t/ tasted less like oatmeal and more like cream. You know what happens when you leave pu erh and honey together in a boot-shaped glass for more than 5 minutes? The whole thing tastes like salty butter. Lesson learned: don't ruin honey by mixing it with pu erh.
DukeOEarl: In the end, this tasted more like breast milk than pussy, especially with honey. This has got to be a /t/ for women. There can be no other purpose for it. No man could take pleasure from this /t/. This is like how girls think babies or puppies are "fucking adorable". We, as men, do not understand all of those words (see: "adorable") and let women have each of these based on facial expressions of happiness and their lack of attention towards us. We get laid, but we always end up having to take care of the damn thing. We walk it. We spend all our money on clothes for it. Then we teach it to grab daddy a beer. At least they don't smell like Tea_Pain's mom's house. Pu erh: I smell your lightsabah.
What: Mini Tuo (Life in a Teacup) How much: $1/sample What kind: Pu erh Taste: Oatmeal as it would be eaten by a fatty: with lots of butter and milk. Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (pu erh is just not for men. if you have balls... don't bother) Manliness: 2/10 (like a black hole that isn't located on a woman)
DukeOEarl: I woke up this morning and felt like a man. It was one of those days where nothing could go wrong, women flock to you, and people on the street look at you like "shit that guy must be famous or rich." You walk with a swagger that gets the guys to turn into ladies and the ladies to turn into Niagara Falls. Speaking of which, we introduce our /t/ of choice, another spoonsored tea, called Eternal Sunshine. In the kindest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a lady. In the harshest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a mermaid's vagina. Our fault for picking a pu erh tea.
Tea_Pain: I actually wake up every morning feeling like a man. It's a pretty big deal when you're post-op though. Kudos, Duke. Anyway, I actually really liked the smell of this /t/ right out of the package. It smelled something like Poseidon's gum, so I was getting pretty pumped up for another naturally sweet /t/. To be safe, I rinsed the pu erh (for if I didn't, it would smell like the French). I sat in front of my french press, giddy as hell, trying to decide how fast I should drink this seemingly good /t/. I brought my cup up to my mouth, swirled the /t/ around a little bit and eventually got a smell and flavor profile similar to this...post-use. I took a sip to see if the smell would be a part of the taste, and sadly, it was. If ever I were to perform the nasty on a hula dancer, this may be comparable. On the brighter side though, it DEFINITELY tasted sweet and candy-like. Maybe Smarties or cotton candy. Duke... I think we got trolled again.
DukeOEarl: Your right Tea_Pain. Drinking this "tea" was like getting iced. Bro we just got iced by Joy's Teaspoon. The perfume of this "/t/" smelled exactly like my fingers after hot-pants Jenny left. "Chicken or tuna?" is a question my mother asks me after I tell her about a new ladyfriend. I always told her to add eggplant. She wouldn't. Anyway, never met a tuna girl until now. I mean the only way to drink this was to keep your head in it. After a while you get used to it. Hell after a few weeks you may even like the smell and the taste. Pretty soon you're buying it flowers and it wants a house. It makes you meals and cleans, but what you really want is dessert. Not the frosted kind. Shit, Tea_Pain, this would make great practice Jello. Tongue only. Make Jello with this and not only will the it simulate the amount of tongue work but also the overwhelming cavernous smell.
Tea_Pain: I really think that had this been a regular black /t/, I would've married it. However, I found myself explaining to my mug, "You're sweet, and I want to like you... but you smell like your mother was a salmon." This /t/ is sorta following the theme from Eternal Sunshine too by resembling the bad relationship: loving the sex, but, oh /T/sus, she likes Justin Bieber and wants to randomly argue about politics that don't affect her. I mean, you want to love her, but she just does a lot of important stuff really, really wrong. I admit, the things this /t/ does right are legitimate and useful. It allows for multiple steeps (probably upwards of 6 as it just wouldn't get lighter EVER) and would probably be lauded by herbal /t/ lovers or people who live by the ocean. I'm a little disappointed I didn't like this pu erh, and much like the synopsis of the film, this is a relationship I'd rather forget. Kinda harsh and all, but fair's fair, ey Duke?
DukeOEarl: Yeah, my nose would love to forget today. I put nose plugs in. That. Bad. And I could still smell it, though it tasted a little better. The damn smell is still lingering like that bad night at the casino up in Green Bay with that hot stripper. I digress. The new nose-plug taste was like Olympic Village if the only condoms they used were fruity. Much more like the candy-thong taste Tea_Pain mentioned. What a terrible day to have this /t/. My urges to shoot a bear and bring the meat home to my future wife, Taylor Swift, are gone. Now all I want to do is watch Glee and eat chocolate ice cream. Fuck me over the kitchen counter and call me Sally because now I feel like a lady. Damn you poontang tea!
What: Eternal Sunshine (Joy's Teaspoon) How much: $3.50-6.00/oz What kind: Pu Erh - orange, berry Taste: Like you've just sailed for a month with the lady who owns a year's supply of Victoria's Secret perfume...and she hasn't washed anything since you left port. Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (It smells like VAGINA) Manliness: 0.5/10 (It smells and tastes like fruity VAGINA)
