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Duke called. Probably from a coconut as the reception was shit.  He said he has about a week until he's back from whatever Caribbean excursion he went on (something about voodoo and rainforests or some shit).  He told me how much coffee has been forced upon him by the locals. He actually told me about the times (yes, multiple) he got malaria from being so much of a man (manliness attracts female mosquitos. Yeah, I just accidentally some science all over you).  Luckily, he survived multiple Bar Rafaeli encounters and drank enough rum, thus allowing his man card to remain intact. Be excited. The man is pissed off at the world and this is one of his few outlets.

In the meantime, BTC lucks out as I don't hate life nearly as much as Duke does, and thus, I don't entirely take it out on them.  Though, being halfway through their /t/ samples, I'm a little surprised as to how well they're holding up. Normally we'd find out that half the /t/ tastes like mermaid vagina and have to berate the company into submission.  No dice yet... but I AM reviewing a /t/bag today. And shit, if nothing else, I know they're already the "special" kids on the playground when compared to looseleaf.

C/T/G Presents: The Ice Wine of /T/

Yesterday, I was heading out to a rave, when Tea_Pain told me that he had a date with Dart Girl (the one that looks like my January Jones).  That's fantastic. Would you like a cookie?  Then he told me it was yesterday night, and he would not be going to the rave.  The.  Hell.  He also told me that I wasn't supposed to be drinking in my condition.  Yeah about three doctors told me that too.  They can all eat it.  Anyway he missed a ridiculous party.  Everyone was all kinds of drunk.  There was some nasty beats and thus Matrix 2 orgy dancing.

ME/T/AL

Tea_Pain: You know what's badass? Drinking the crushed up remnants of a demigod. Duke and I were kinda sapped from another week of exams and, before hitting up the bars, we needed to get some life in us. We decided to try out some IRON GODDESS /T/ simply because it sounded like something Sammy Hagar would've drank. Though it's an oolong, the first couple steeps do make it seem like a green /t/. The taste in the first couple steeps is also similar to cherry tomatoes, which I associate more with green /t/. On the brighter side, I felt the caffeine almost instantaneously after pouring the second cup. And though dusty, perhaps drinking the ashes of the Chinese goddess of tomatoes has its benefits.

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain is right about the tomato taste. It was very subtle on the first steep. Not much taste otherwise. Much like a normal green tea. But on the second pour, it had a citrusy, orange aftertaste much like my favorite cough drops. Now it's more like drinking the blood of Florida migrant workers.

Tea_Pain: Yeah, and by the third steep there was a pronounced citrus taste coming from my throat. Around this time, the /t/ started getting a little more astringent and tasted like Madison's city water. Yay heavy metals!

DukeOEarl: Tea_Pain, it's metallic because your tongue is numb.

Tea_Pain: Still, it felt like I was drinking water laced with copper. Another couple of steeps in and I feel like I'm warming up to the goddess. See, this iron goddess is more reminiscent of Gaia than Venus or Athena. First you look at it and say, "Meh, not my thing." But after a couple of steeps and losing about three midgets-worth of weight, you start to appreciate the body and flavor. Next closest thing to Gaia would probably be... Janis Joplin?

DukeOEarl: My Iron Goddess of Mercy, is Xena: Warrior Princess. She tries to give up her warrior ways and along the way makes new friends. She saves young women, has pseudo-lesbian relationships with them, does things for the people she saves, and develops along the way. But in the end she's still a bitch. By the sixth pot, the Goddess was more malty like an oolong, and the orange flavor (see: lesbian scenes) disappeared.

Tea_Pain: Thanks to that big guy on the left, we got through 8 pots of /t/. Fuck you, kidneys.

DukeOEarl: We drank an entire pond of this damn tea. It was like running a train. The first go, she wasn't that ready yet, and after a few she was ready to go and open to new things. But by seven, she was like Angel Falls and begging for it like Oliver Twist. In the end, she gave everyone a happy ending.

Tea_Pain: Much like every goddess should. Now, off to the bars.

What: Anxi Ti Guan Yin a.k.a. Iron Goddess of Mercy (Dobra Tea Room)
How much: $5.50 for a pot
What kind: Oolong - Green
Taste: A smooth transition from green /t/ to grapefruit to pennies
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (Once you get past the tomato flavor in cup one, the rest of the /t/ is uphill)
Manliness: 5/10 (Lasts a long time, like every man should)

Eternal Poon/t/ang of the Orange Kind

DukeOEarl: I woke up this morning and felt like a man. It was one of those days where nothing could go wrong, women flock to you, and people on the street look at you like "shit that guy must be famous or rich." You walk with a swagger that gets the guys to turn into ladies and the ladies to turn into Niagara Falls. Speaking of which, we introduce our /t/ of choice, another spoonsored tea, called Eternal Sunshine. In the kindest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a lady. In the harshest possible manner of explaining, this /t/ smells like a mermaid's vagina. Our fault for picking a pu erh tea.

Tea_Pain: I actually wake up every morning feeling like a man. It's a pretty big deal when you're post-op though. Kudos, Duke. Anyway, I actually really liked the smell of this /t/ right out of the package. It smelled something like Poseidon's gum, so I was getting pretty pumped up for another naturally sweet /t/. To be safe, I rinsed the pu erh (for if I didn't, it would smell like the French). I sat in front of my french press, giddy as hell, trying to decide how fast I should drink this seemingly good /t/. I brought my cup up to my mouth, swirled the /t/ around a little bit and eventually got a smell and flavor profile similar to this...post-use. I took a sip to see if the smell would be a part of the taste, and sadly, it was. If ever I were to perform the nasty on a hula dancer, this may be comparable. On the brighter side though, it DEFINITELY tasted sweet and candy-like. Maybe Smarties or cotton candy. Duke... I think we got trolled again.

DukeOEarl: Your right Tea_Pain. Drinking this "tea" was like getting iced. Bro we just got iced by Joy's Teaspoon. The perfume of this "/t/" smelled exactly like my fingers after hot-pants Jenny left. "Chicken or tuna?" is a question my mother asks me after I tell her about a new ladyfriend. I always told her to add eggplant. She wouldn't. Anyway, never met a tuna girl until now. I mean the only way to drink this was to keep your head in it. After a while you get used to it. Hell after a few weeks you may even like the smell and the taste. Pretty soon you're buying it flowers and it wants a house. It makes you meals and cleans, but what you really want is dessert. Not the frosted kind. Shit, Tea_Pain, this would make great practice Jello. Tongue only. Make Jello with this and not only will the it simulate the amount of tongue work but also the overwhelming cavernous smell.

Tea_Pain: I really think that had this been a regular black /t/, I would've married it. However, I found myself explaining to my mug, "You're sweet, and I want to like you... but you smell like your mother was a salmon." This /t/ is sorta following the theme from Eternal Sunshine too by resembling the bad relationship: loving the sex, but, oh /T/sus, she likes Justin Bieber and wants to randomly argue about politics that don't affect her. I mean, you want to love her, but she just does a lot of important stuff really, really wrong. I admit, the things this /t/ does right are legitimate and useful. It allows for multiple steeps (probably upwards of 6 as it just wouldn't get lighter EVER) and would probably be lauded by herbal /t/ lovers or people who live by the ocean. I'm a little disappointed I didn't like this pu erh, and much like the synopsis of the film, this is a relationship I'd rather forget. Kinda harsh and all, but fair's fair, ey Duke?

DukeOEarl: Yeah, my nose would love to forget today. I put nose plugs in. That. Bad. And I could still smell it, though it tasted a little better. The damn smell is still lingering like that bad night at the casino up in Green Bay with that hot stripper. I digress. The new nose-plug taste was like Olympic Village if the only condoms they used were fruity. Much more like the candy-thong taste Tea_Pain mentioned. What a terrible day to have this /t/. My urges to shoot a bear and bring the meat home to my future wife, Taylor Swift, are gone. Now all I want to do is watch Glee and eat chocolate ice cream. Fuck me over the kitchen counter and call me Sally because now I feel like a lady. Damn you poontang tea!

What: Eternal Sunshine (Joy's Teaspoon)
How much: $3.50-6.00/oz
What kind: Pu Erh - orange, berry
Taste: Like you've just sailed for a month with the lady who owns a year's supply of Victoria's Secret perfume...and she hasn't washed anything since you left port.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (It smells like VAGINA)
Manliness: 0.5/10 (It smells and tastes like fruity VAGINA)

I think I just got /t/bagged

Since the snowpocalypse/snowicane/"Wednesday" has passed, I believe it is safe to write yet another post while the National Guard is called in to dig my ass out. Sad day for me, I'm forcing myself to drink a /t/ that isn't loose leaf.

Now, you all have had that summer where they you to their grandparents' place. You already hate the idea that you're missing out on Six Flags and totally having the chance to touch Kelly's boob, so hanging out with your grandparents is probably the last thing you want to do. As you step into their small, one-floor house with random wooden things hanging from the walls, you notice a strange smell consisting of gingerbread and death. That smell and these associated feelings essentially describe Numi's Moonlight Spice Orange Spice White Tea. Not only is it in the running for longest /t/ name ever, this /t/ also made me yearn for doing any other activity besides actually drinking it. I would rather go out into the 18 inches of snow and try to melt all of it manually by means of my own breath than drink this /t/.

Rather than rant about how horrible this /t/ is though, let me offer some proof. When I first opened the packet, my nose was assaulted with some blend of cinnamon/ginger/chai smell that could be used as an alternative to pepper spray. Thinking about going on a jog in downtown Memphis soon? Carry a bag or two of this. After I brewed this monstrosity, I finally smelled some orange, but the taste was still overpowered. I knocked back a couple gulps and realized that this isn't actually an orange tea at all (let alone a "delicate" white tea as stated on the packaging). When brewed, it looks like a cloudy apple cider, not a delicate, citrusy, cinnamon-infused /t/. By drinking this, my mouth got dryer, my eyes watered up, and I might have acquired an acute reaction to drinking straight cinnamon powder. Overall, it's pretty ironic that a brand called "Numi" (probably pronounced "numb-ee") blended this seeing as it's the complete opposite of palatable.

Am I disappointed? Not entirely. I got this /t/ for free from an old roommate and it can still be used to make my room smell like Christmas. If anything, I can throw a bag in the garbage to make the kitchen smell less like burnt toast and fried farm animals. Most of all, I feel I've done my good deed in that this may help some poor soul from purchasing Numi's long name /t/.

What: White Orange Spice (Numi)
How much: Free or ~$8/box of 16 bags on Amazon
What kind: White - Cinnamon, Orange (in name only)
Taste: Finely-ground, sugarless gingerbread cookies.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10. I might actually throw out the box. If I do a /t/ swap, at least half of what I have left will go in as filler.
Manliness: 8/10. You could replace goat piss with this /t/ and train for Beer Fests with it.