We put our tea in your Secret Garden

We disobeyed Lori, we took our damn finals, we finally got some damn /t/ea.

Podcast 24: We put our tea in your Secret Garden


What: Secret Garden (Tea Embassy)
How much: $5.75 / oz
What kind: White, Green
Taste: Warm Juicy Fruit
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10  (1 steep and no chance of cholera)
Manliness: 1/10 (Like a mustache ride from John Waters)



What: Milk Oolong (Tea Embassy)
How much: $10 / oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Green tea with oatmeal... it tastes better than it sounds
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10  (In the words of Adam, "It's aight.")
Manliness: 7/10 (What's more manly than milk?)

Podcast 10: Arnie bogies and Stash hits par for the most boring tea review ever.

What: Arnold Palmer  (Arizona)
How much: $1.05  (Mobile Gas Station)
Taste: Like a lemon party in my mouth
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Higher when it's hot outside, lower when it's colder. In Wisconsin, that means it's gonna be lower, generally)
Manliness:  7/10  (Because, golf.)

What: White Christmas (Stash)
How much: $0.14 / bag (Amazon)
Taste: Lemon hookah water... not necessarily in a bad way
Repeat Drinkability: 4/10 (you ever try water like the picture below?)
Manliness: 5/10 (we're going to cite the same picture)

SPONSOR: Lick my Butiki

Vote in the god damned troll poll already.  Then and only then can you play the new podcast.

Podcast 6: Lick my Butiki



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What: Raspberry Truffle (Butiki Teas)
How much: $5.00/oz
What kind: Black/Chocolate
Taste: We were Jwoww'd by this tea
Repeat Drinkability: 5.5/10 (Liquid 'merica, aka Cheesecake Factory juice, can only stem dehydration for so long)
Manliness: 7.5/10 (Manly things are oft-hated by women, see podcast for explanation)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What: Cantaloupe & Cream (Butiki Teas)
How much: $11.00/oz
What kind: White
Taste: Like drinking cucumber juice from your new, hip juicer
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Comparable to water)
Manliness: 4.5/10 (These melons were already creamed)

SPONSOR: Boston's cherry just got pwnd

So, I took the advice of Rebecca Black and had so many "fun's" last night that I didn't wake up until 2 PM.  Success!  So what'd I do while I waited on Dart girl to get done with work?  I told my hangover to shut the fuck up and take it like a champ.  As I tried to piece together what happened between a dozen pulls of Kraken and making a 5 mile trek home on a bike, I went and got me a bag of /t/.  As is usual during my mid-hangover fluid binge, I wondered longingly, "What would late-80's hair band Warrant drink?"  Due to budget constraints and a jealous female, I cannot afford their answer. Instead, I had to settle for the similarly-named, less fake-titted /t/ from our sponsor, Sweet Cherry White.

2) Riskopoly and Tea: Deez Coconuts

DukeOEarl:  So Tea_Pain started out by taking the rest of South America, and I started by taking the rest of Australia.  We formed an underground alliance by texting each other (as is common practice in Riskopoly).  A young, naive freshman (see: Riskopoly n00b a.k.a. blue) who the guys are trying to school on all things manly got stuck with half of Europe and Asia.  I, being the selfless champion that I am, decided to teach the freshman the hard way by trading $1000 for a monopoly property that gave me the second worst monopoly on the board (see: trade rape).  But since money is money, the monopoly will end up paying dividends and the other guys will probably kill the freshman for how dumb he is.  Pain's laughter and smart-ass insults caused the freshman to quickly phone his mommy and therapist.

C/T/G Presents: Stab Happy

Apparently Charlie Sheen is a /t/ drinker. Maybe he's not as batshit insane as everybody makes him out to be. I mean, he single-handedly got 2 & A Half Men cancelled. If anything, Charlie's a saint. #Winning

Bieber Lost

Now can we effing forget about him and move on to the next 12 year old? May I suggest a resurgence for Dakota Fanning? Victoria Justice has only 4 more days til she Lohan's! Cmon people, there are far more pressing issues and child prodigies to socially screw up. Think it over while Duke & I study for exams this week.

Quandary. Now why would someone want a white /t/? "I like the delicate flavors." Of what? "I want caffeine...but I don't want too much." Man up. "White power!" This shit's from China, Jim Bob, put your hand down. "I don't want to piss blood again." Well me neither, bro-seph. On any other blog, these might be valid reasons for a white /t/ to be reviewed. I on the other hand chose this shit because of PEACHES. I'm already a big fan of peaches. Be it candy, soda, asses, /t/, I'm a connoisseur. I can safely say that if I lived in Georgia, I would gorge myself while blasting some 15 year old hipster music. In a blind taste test, I could even tell you if something tasted like a peach. I'm that fucking good.

I've had some of Rishi's Peach Blossom White /T/ in my cupboard for awhile and never got around to reviewing it. As luck would have it, I had exactly enough to make a final steep for ya'll. Think of this as a post-Valentine's Day way of saying you're not "forever alone". This stuff smells like those peach candy rings if they came concentrated in a Febreeze bottle. Pretty strong, but not enough to make you gag like it's your first time, ladies. Because this is a white /t/, I decided to let my water cool down a little after boiling so the /t/ wouldn't burn. The smell became a lot more floral as I waited for it to steep and the brew got surprisingly yellow-ish-brown. Dare I say it? I dart. It looked like peach juice. Sweet heavenly nectar, don't disappoint me.

My first swig was actually pretty refreshing. The taste of the peaches is pronounced, yet weak. I'd say this /t/ is similar to going to see the Foo Fighters: you really go to see Dave Grohl but end up idolizing the rest of the band for making him awesome. Among the other flavor notes, I picked up some weak lemongrass and the usual floral flavoring that is jasmine. After drinking a whole pot, my tongue started to go numb like the time Duke and I got that Darjeeling from Dobra. This /t/ would probably be destroyed if it were iced or if any sweetener was added. I also wouldn't suggest going past 2 steeps as the /t/ might start disintegrating. It'd taste good, but your /t/ would be more akin to a smoothie. Still, this is a pretty solid flavor profile for a "delicate" white /t/, definitely something you could share with a lady friend before watching some Top Gun. And if you're manly enough to withstand its frui/t/ness, this is also very chugable. Speaking of which, rather than icing your bro's at random Guido bars, why not take em to a nice /t/ shop and force this on them. Maybe it'll stop them from fist pumping to they who shall not be named.

What: Peach Blossom White Tea (Rishi)
How much: $4/oz on Rishi
What kind: White - Peach
Taste: Watered-down, sugar-free peach juice
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (The taste makes this about as repeatable as, well, Peaches)
Manliness: 1/10 (Flowers? Peaches? White /t/? Lol, srsly?)

I think I just got /t/bagged

Since the snowpocalypse/snowicane/"Wednesday" has passed, I believe it is safe to write yet another post while the National Guard is called in to dig my ass out. Sad day for me, I'm forcing myself to drink a /t/ that isn't loose leaf.

Now, you all have had that summer where they you to their grandparents' place. You already hate the idea that you're missing out on Six Flags and totally having the chance to touch Kelly's boob, so hanging out with your grandparents is probably the last thing you want to do. As you step into their small, one-floor house with random wooden things hanging from the walls, you notice a strange smell consisting of gingerbread and death. That smell and these associated feelings essentially describe Numi's Moonlight Spice Orange Spice White Tea. Not only is it in the running for longest /t/ name ever, this /t/ also made me yearn for doing any other activity besides actually drinking it. I would rather go out into the 18 inches of snow and try to melt all of it manually by means of my own breath than drink this /t/.

Rather than rant about how horrible this /t/ is though, let me offer some proof. When I first opened the packet, my nose was assaulted with some blend of cinnamon/ginger/chai smell that could be used as an alternative to pepper spray. Thinking about going on a jog in downtown Memphis soon? Carry a bag or two of this. After I brewed this monstrosity, I finally smelled some orange, but the taste was still overpowered. I knocked back a couple gulps and realized that this isn't actually an orange tea at all (let alone a "delicate" white tea as stated on the packaging). When brewed, it looks like a cloudy apple cider, not a delicate, citrusy, cinnamon-infused /t/. By drinking this, my mouth got dryer, my eyes watered up, and I might have acquired an acute reaction to drinking straight cinnamon powder. Overall, it's pretty ironic that a brand called "Numi" (probably pronounced "numb-ee") blended this seeing as it's the complete opposite of palatable.

Am I disappointed? Not entirely. I got this /t/ for free from an old roommate and it can still be used to make my room smell like Christmas. If anything, I can throw a bag in the garbage to make the kitchen smell less like burnt toast and fried farm animals. Most of all, I feel I've done my good deed in that this may help some poor soul from purchasing Numi's long name /t/.

What: White Orange Spice (Numi)
How much: Free or ~$8/box of 16 bags on Amazon
What kind: White - Cinnamon, Orange (in name only)
Taste: Finely-ground, sugarless gingerbread cookies.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10. I might actually throw out the box. If I do a /t/ swap, at least half of what I have left will go in as filler.
Manliness: 8/10. You could replace goat piss with this /t/ and train for Beer Fests with it.