Life in a Teacup Part 3: We Put the Pussy on a Pedestal

Tea_Pain: ...albeit a pedestal that is still fairly low to the ground.

DukeOEarl: We decided to try another pu erh. After two mediocre or worse /t/s, we said "fuck it." We opened the little pellet, and Tea_Pain said, "I'm so scared." It smelled like the mermaid pu erh after a mud bath. Needless to say we were not looking forward to anther traumatic experience, but it actually wasn't too bad. The smell was more earthy. As per /t/ pellet protocol, we washed it before brewing, and watched it turn hella brown as we brewed it. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy. It looked like diarrhea. Tea_Pain, you're first.

Tea_Pain: I hate being the guinea pig. I smelled the /t/ and immediately started wondering if this was the end. Like Duke said, we were expecting the /t/ to fail harder than Ron Walker, but as the /t/ turned Lipton-dark, we noticed that we were dealing with a less....uh...woman-like aroma. I can definitely see why people say pu erh tastes like dirt now. Still, I was pretty impressed to feel out something similar to dried oats after a couple swigs. About halfway through the drink, I added honey and the /t/ tasted less like oatmeal and more like cream. You know what happens when you leave pu erh and honey together in a boot-shaped glass for more than 5 minutes? The whole thing tastes like salty butter. Lesson learned: don't ruin honey by mixing it with pu erh.

DukeOEarl: In the end, this tasted more like breast milk than pussy, especially with honey. This has got to be a /t/ for women. There can be no other purpose for it. No man could take pleasure from this /t/. This is like how girls think babies or puppies are "fucking adorable". We, as men, do not understand all of those words (see: "adorable") and let women have each of these based on facial expressions of happiness and their lack of attention towards us. We get laid, but we always end up having to take care of the damn thing. We walk it. We spend all our money on clothes for it. Then we teach it to grab daddy a beer. At least they don't smell like Tea_Pain's mom's house. Pu erh: I smell your lightsabah.

What: Mini Tuo (Life in a Teacup)
How much: $1/sample
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Oatmeal as it would be eaten by a fatty: with lots of butter and milk.
Repeat Drinkability: 1/10 (pu erh is just not for men. if you have balls... don't bother)
Manliness: 2/10 (like a black hole that isn't located on a woman)

Life In a Teacup Part 2 - Jasmine's Pearl Necklace

DukeOEarl: Our second /t/ smelled like Necco Wafers before brewing. Not bad. After brewing it was definitely a jasmine tea. There was no mistake about that. Smelled like fucking flowers and Arabic princesses. Yup, fuck oil, I know what the US military actually wants from all these wars. Speaking of oil, this /t/ was immediately darker than the weed oolong. Wtf a darker green tea?

Tea_Pain: Yeah, definitely a ton darker. I'm almost to the point of calling the weed /t/ a white /t/ if we were comparing the two. This close. Anyway, I'm pretty familiar with jasmine /t/. This stuff is essentially what roped me into the loose leaf world and probably pushed me to join forces with Duke. Even though I've since moved on from this very floral /t/, I still find myself enjoying a cup every now and then. I'm a big fan of pearls as you generally get more for your buck (because of all that expansion while brewing) and, if you're a caffeine junkie, you can use them like chewing tobacco. That's right, you can still be a man and not get cancer. Fuck yeah.

DukeOEarl: Yeah, this is pretty generic-tasting for a jasmine /t/. I'm not a fan of green /t/ea. I can see how some people would like this, but I still personally cannot. It is definitely better than the average green /t/ even with the sketch, condom-like packaging. Give these to a girl who smells bad and you'll almost get a pu erh.

Tea_Pain: Damn it Duke. I just had a flashback and my nose inverted. As a final note, these "pearls" weren't so much pearls as they were...spitballs. These would've been perfect ammunition for middle school when we had those small straws for Capri Sun and shit. Above all though, this is still your average jasmine pearl /t/ but with a bit more acidity and a little less jasmine bite. I'm not convinced I'd ever need more than a sample of these when other tea shops have products that are easily just as good or, more likely, better.

What: Fragrant Pearl Jasmine Green Tea (Life in a Teacup)
How much: $1/sample
What kind: Green - Jasmine
Taste: Very jasminey. Like a spoiled Arabian princess.
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (For the price, it isn't outlandish for jasmine, making it the Lipton of jasmine pearls. Con...grats?)
Manliness: 3/10 (If this were any manlier, it would have a unibrow and make Jasmine look like Frida.)

Life in a Teacup Part 1 - Weed /T/

Tea_Pain: We ordered 3 samples from Life in a Teacup a couple weeks ago and are just now getting around to trying them. $3, 3 samples, free shipping. Is it too good to be true? Probably. Will it get us sufficiently caffeinated so that we can verbally assault the capital all weekend? Maybe if we did this intravenously. First up was an oolong decked out in Chinese:

DukeOEarl: This tea looks like it's a dime bag of weed. Look at this shit.

Amirite? And holy shit fuck. Smelled like lilacs..FUCKING LILAC, FUCKING LILACS IN THIS BITCH.

Tea_Pain: So, expecting good things (and hallucinogenic visions), we threw this shit in the press and went to town. This /t/ did not get nearly as dark as any oolong we've ever had. Plus, there wasn't giving me nearly as much flavor as the smell led me to believe would be there. This /t/ is like smoking oregano to get high. You buy this stuff off your brother's friend and while they're busy snickering in the other room, you're sitting there smelling like burnt pizza wondering why the room still isn't spinning. Disappointing, but at least it was cheap.

DukeOEarl: There's no way this is worth steeping twice. The package said "2007" and good for "18 mos." Yeah...expired. Probably why it was meh. Although it was vacuum packed. Whatever. It's old. It lacks flavor. I guess that's why the lilacs taste dead.

What: Bai Ya Qi Lan Oolong (Life in a Teacup)
How much: $1/ sample
What kind: Oolong - Lilac
Taste: Lilac leaves
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (If this weren't expired, it might be higher. This also did not have the effects of weed as the packaging suggested it should.)
Manliness: 1/10 (Like this but in a world made of lilacs.)