Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Edward 40-Hands: Classy Edition

Bad about moving for an internship: Rishi, though great, has virtually taken over the entirety of the Milwaukee area leaving me with little-to-no variety outside of their own.

Good about moving for an internship: I finally have a /t/ CLOSET.

Because my /t/ closet was currently all reviewed, I decided to check out Trader Joe's to see if they had the mysterious and often sought-after Tejava. In Madison, I couldn't get off my ass to go down Monroe St. and buy a bottle because it was eternally winter.  Now, since I don't want to drink Rishi, I figured I'd venture out and buy a bottle.  Luckily, the closest Trader Joe's had a few bottles in stock. I heard a lot about it from the interwebs when looking for newer /t/ brands and everybody raved.  I guess it's time to meet your maker.

Wanting to show off my 40 of /t/, I brought that shit to work.  Being a workforce barbarian is tough. Sometimes you just have to rough it when you want a cup of fuckmazing /t/.  Because I currently don't have a mug like the rest of the office, I got out this awesome, hot-off-the-kiln goblet, ribbed for my drinking pleasure. I pulled the cap off with my teeth and wondered why the hell this /t/ smelled like lemons. The ingredients specifically say "water and tea", don't be lying to me Tejava or I'll throw you at a wall to show you what's what.

Luckily, my thoughts toward the /t/ changed as I took a sip and found out that, though without any sugar, it was already pretty sweet.  Had I finally stumbled upon a /t/ that realizes how manly it is? I pondered this very thought as I, evidently, drank half the bottle in ~10 minutes.  After that lapse in time management, I decided to figure out what the hell this tasted like.  My conclusion: oolong.  I know, it's actually a black /t/, but hear me out.  It starts off pretty sweet and ends with a sufficiently thick mollases flavor. In general, THAT is oolong. There is a distinct bitterness, though, that is associated with black /t/.  As much as I hate to add it, this would be awesome with lemon and now I think I realize that my brain just PUT that smell there from the beginning. Or maybe it's a tumor.

Basically, what the flavor profile made me realize was that this is an awesome pre-packaged /t/. It's also about as barebones as you can get without just buying the /t/ yourself and throwing it in some water. Is the price worth the 5 minutes it would take to steep the damn /t/? I'll leave that to you.  Tejava might have carved a solid niche here for those tired of over-sweetened /t/ / actually making their own /t/. I can't count how many times I've wanted to water down an Arizona /t/ just so I wouldn't get diabetes. I actually kinda wish Tejava would put more oomph into their marketing, as this is a kickass alternative to almost every other bottled /t/. Cmon Tejava, you have so many things you could market this drink with.  The bottle could be used to help alcoholics kick the habit while STILL being able to play Edward 40-hands. Sell this shit in California and realize it's the only pre-made /t/ worth drinking for dieting (though, fuck dieting, that shit's for girls and Olympians). Hell, sponsor the next bout of civil unrest and give the people what they want: caffeinated Molotov's. The opportunities are endless Tejava, turn on the money faucet already and start bathing in the cash.

What: Tejava
How much: ~$2 for 1 Liter
What kind: Black, apparently
Taste: Like I steeped an oolong and let it sit for 3 hours til it was room temp: kinda stale and bitter, but still pretty pleasant.
Repeat Drinkability: 8/10  (Only takes a hit because it's already made for me and I have to pay a premium because of that.)
Manliness: 9/10  (Kids, being yourself is probably one of the manliest things you can do.  That and 4 chicks at the same time.)

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