An Update From Your Duke

Hi Blagees.  It's been a while.  I am away on vacation at the moment, but I needed to take the time out for a chat with my favorite people on the internet.

Earlier today, while sitting on my yacht off the Cayman Islands, I found out that my future wife, January Jones, is in fact not carrying my baby; she is carrying some other douche's baby from the new, crappy X-Men movie.  Well, you can imagine my rage.  I called up Ms. January and told her that we were through.  My future wife sleeping around again is unacceptable.  So I called up Bar Refaeli who said that she would be happy to be my new future wife cause Leo kicked her ass to the curb (and we both need rebound sex).

Anyway just a heads up.  I'll be back when I feel like it.  Give Tea_Pain a hard time for me.

Throw it in the bag

So I'm currently living without the internet and Duke is on vacation (woooot summer). Somewhat luckily, there's a nearby Starbucks with free Wi-Fi.  Actually, that's a lie- I was approached by an employee while sitting outside and was forced to come in and buy something to use the "free" Wi-Fi.  I decided that, hell, this would be a decent opportunity to do a review of a random Tazo /t/.  I ordered an Italian-named medium of what appeared to be something new from Tazo: Joy.

Now, if you've never heard of Tazo's "Joy", let me explain why you should be curious: it is the Captain Planet of /t/.  How so?  Is there the scent of a small, effeminate Amazonian boy in there?  Does a man who looks like Skeeter's superhero dad burst out of the cup and piss all over your SUV?  Do you really believe that the power is yours after finishing the most expensive cup of /t/ in the suburbs?  Fucking no to all of that (except a possible maybe to the first one).  This abomination is trying to make /t/ blends look bad, in my opinion. Rather than mix in a couple ingredients to enhance a /t/, Tazo decided to throw all their dildos in a bag and do a massive, plastic cockslap to the entire /t/ industry.  Even I was pretty insulted upon realizing I was handed a $3 cup of hot water with a "loose leaf" teabag (it doesn't matter what you say Starbucks, looseleaf in a teabag is not looseleaf. Keep trying though, it might catch on due to it being so ironic).

To Teavana and Back

As we all know, Teavana is a great example of the generic "Sales 101" scenario.  "You like a product? Well here's one that's twice as good because it costs twice as much!" or "Do you need any accessories for that hobby associated with our store? Because we have twice as many expensive models of the thing you need for sale."  I know... I can tell everything in Teavana must be amazing because of the price.  I mean, let's go DEEPER and theoretically show that, because their /t/ is so expensive, it must be so high in demand that people were lining up out the door.  I present you with the line I saw stopping traffic and averting those too weak to stand in line for months to get their Monkey-Picked Oolong (which I'm still convinced is afflicted with meh-itis)...

...or not... 

Riskopoly and the inevitable Rapture

Hey y'all.  Check out the full Riskopoly and Tea and Rapture sponsored by Element Tea:

Post 1: Puppies, Sunshine, and Rainbows
Post 2: Deez Coconuts
Post 3: Kill it with fire...
Post 4: I'mma get that bitch a cannon
Post 5: The tea that sank a thousand dollars...
Post 6: The North and South fighting...
Post 7: The Osama bin Laden of Tea

Modified, balanced Riskopoly rules to come.

7) Riskopoly and Tea: The Osama bin Laden of Tea

Premise: So it was down to Pain and Brosef #1.  Quickly actually.  Pain still profited from an epic secret deal that he and Duke disguised during the whole "Fuck Duke" campaign by Brosef #1.  But Pain pulled it through.  Because of time constraints he decided to agree to a draw with Brosef #1, i.e. Pain is now known as Sally the Candy Striper.

6) Riskopoly and Tea: The North and South fighting over the Southern belle

Premise: After Duke was eliminated from the Risk board because the other players decided that Duke and Pain's agreement was not legal (because Duke was typing a previous post while doing the trade), Pain lead his epic conquest of the Southern portion of N.A..  Duke sat bitterly in the corner, plotting his revenge on the other players who clearly don't understand subterfuge and rush-bummery and drinking tea.

5) Riskopoly and Tea: The /T/ That Sank a Thousand Dollars in Australia

DukeOEarl: One of the great things about Riskopoly is the ability to extort money from other players.  However, it particularly sucks when it happens to you.  Such is the case with Pain, who was told by Brosef #1, "Give up your monopoly or you will be wiped off the Risk board by my 22 armies in Africa." So Pain, being the capitalist pig that he is, sees an opportunity to profit from such a threat.  Pain trades two of the monopoly properties to Duke, dissolving the monopoly, with the conditions unknown to Brosef #1 that in two Risk turns, the properties will return to Pain, and I will be paid $1000.  Since Brosef #1 was still in the act of buying the armies when extorting the Pain, I decided to place the armies in Asia and finally wiped out the freshman via a backdoor.  However, he lost a lot of armies and Pain promptly took Central America to prevent Brosef 2 from holding all of N.A.

4) Riskopoly and Tea: I'mma get that bitch a cannon

Tea_Pain: Bitches love cannons. So I bought my Panamanian bitch a cannon and started running train on North America.  Oh you want to destroy my continent? Fuck yes I do.

DukeOEarl: Yeah, and you know what China? You're gonna die too.  Why? Because you have fucking Nepal and Nepal loves to be in the middle of war.  Free Tibet? I'm about to liberate you all to heaven with my chariots and tanks.  Also free ice cream for all my citizens on Wednesdays.

3) Riskopoly and Tea: Kill it with fire, like the rainforest

Tea_Pain: After the freshman was too stupid to resist $1000 for the biggest trade rape of the year, he decided that he would takeover Europe instead of the rest of N.A. for which he had the majority of the countries.  And by takeover Europe, we meant take over Greenland, stopped his onslaught, and was promptly slaughtered in N.A. by Brosef #1 who had the rest of N.A..  With all his troops on loosely spanning Asia and Europe, the freshman will probably be killed, spreading mass death and destruction across the icy tundra other than that which was caused by the installation of oil pipelines or melting glaciers.  Someone should call his mommy again and tell her about his boo-boo.

2) Riskopoly and Tea: Deez Coconuts

DukeOEarl:  So Tea_Pain started out by taking the rest of South America, and I started by taking the rest of Australia.  We formed an underground alliance by texting each other (as is common practice in Riskopoly).  A young, naive freshman (see: Riskopoly n00b a.k.a. blue) who the guys are trying to school on all things manly got stuck with half of Europe and Asia.  I, being the selfless champion that I am, decided to teach the freshman the hard way by trading $1000 for a monopoly property that gave me the second worst monopoly on the board (see: trade rape).  But since money is money, the monopoly will end up paying dividends and the other guys will probably kill the freshman for how dumb he is.  Pain's laughter and smart-ass insults caused the freshman to quickly phone his mommy and therapist.

1) Riskopoly and Tea: Puppies, sunshine and rainbows

And so it begins... Our game of 5 players begins at the last sign of peace.  To celebrate the Gandhi-ness of the first turn, we steeped some Serene Green and got to work on building up our monopolistic empires.  Duke and I (race car and top hat)  Having played the game several times in the past, look to build upon past success in the monetary aspects of the game so as to royally screw over everyone later.  Undoubtedly, this should end well.  On to the Risk board...

Dart girl gets baptized

Took the woman out for /t/ yesterday. You know, trying to keep things "adventurous" and what not (and she had a gift certificate for Dobra that was expiring soon).  So, seeing that life has reaped hours upon hours of free time upon me recently, I decided a /t/ date would fit in well here.

As Dart girl looked at the menu, probably wondering about which /t/ had pomegranate in it, I sat contently.  You know, there are many strange and unanswered happenings in life.  I mean, a 4-some with 3 girls, that's pretty unique. Or, for another example, the Cleveland Cavaliers ever being good at basketball again.  Neither of those, though, can usurp the power that is experiencing  THE PAO.  I ordered that shit as if it were my last beverage, because that's the way it should fucking be.  Noticing I had missed it, Dart girl ordered the honey... I shed a single tear of joy.

Riskopoly: Sponsored by Element Tea

Recently, we received a large sampling of /t/ from Element Tea. We also recently finished finals week.  So, in order to say "fuck the establishment" and make full use of a metric shit-ton of /t/, we decided to dedicate an entire day to the manliest activity we've ever had the pleasure to experience and share.  If you're thinking a monster truck show at the Super Bowl driven entirely by a team of velociraptors with barbed wire tattoos and Gatling guns standing in for their stubby, useless arms, you're only slightly off.  That's right bitches, we're gonna be playing RISKOPOLY.

The line into my Russian Caravan starts here, ladies

While sitting on my front porch man-tanning with an IPA and reading War and Peace for the twelfth time, I decided that this testosterone fest could only get more manly with a mug of tea.  What's more manly than a mug of tea?  That's right...only a mug of Da Hong Pao.  But since I'm out of Pao (le gasp), I've got to try some of this Russian Caravan.  There is about to be manliness everywhere.  Step up ladies.

If she calls you her soul maté, tell her about your herpes

Tea_Pain:  Well, I got done with finals really early this semester.  Why?  Because I plan this shit out ahead of time.  You know, so I have time to play video games and hit on girls at the library while pretending to study. It's kinda like Hanukkah except I just get my 8 crazy nights when it's above freezing. So while Duke was off studying for Clap for Credit, I brewed up some Mango Maté "tea".

It's safe to say that neither Duke nor I have ever had a maté before.  Why?  Because it's not really /t/.  I mean, if you count steeping things other than /t/ in boiling water to be "tea", then I guess, sure.  In reality, maté is just another continent's failed attempt to be like Asia.  Also, am I the only one who thinks mangoes taste like carrots?  Swear to IGOM, they're the same flavor.  This shit better not taste like V8, damn it.

Sponsor: I Love Gooooold

DukeOEarl:  Apparently, this tea is a treasure.  Perhaps this is the King Midas tea we've been looking for?  Maybe this is actually the Goldschlager of tea (having gold flakes in it)!  Nope.  It's just tea.  Hmm.  It smells herby, like sage or something.  And like italian sausage.  Wait.  WTF?  Is this real life?

Sponsor: La Fleur de Tea

DukeOEarl:  Next up on our East Pacific Tea Co. sponsorship is the "Foreign Affair" tea.  Let's see the ingredients: rose hips, lavender, raisins, blueberries, rose petals....  If this isn't marketed directly to middle-aged sex-crazed women, I don't know what is.  Ohhhh it's also from France...this will end well.  Especially cause France is super-aching for a revolution over the recently raised retirement age.  Viva lol resis/t/ance.

Sponsor: Honey Gold is my favorite pr0nstar

DukeOEarl: First off - Osama bin Lolden. Amerikuh. Freedomboner.

Tea_Pain: Thanks, now that we're done with the token patriotism, we can move on to... ANOTHER SPONSORSHIP!  Lucky for us, East Pacific Tea Co. sent us a few ounces of their finest green...er... black. Sure, we had to wait awhile to get the /t/, but I think this should be worth it... or else we'll go all-out Lipton on it.  Maybe it's because they're located in Massachusetts?  That's like...far far east Pacific.  This is gonna be tits. Day one of our EPTC sponsorship begins with some Honey Gold.

You've Been Gone Much Oolong

Another successful weekend of college partying left me and Tea_Pain with several cuts and bruises that we can't explain and Tea_Pain with some hickeys that he can't explain to Dart Girl.  Can you say hot water?

Speaking of hot water, let's drink some tea!