Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Lipton's younger brother is angry, has a gun

DukeOEarl:  Today we try the edgier, more ironic (see: hipster) younger brother of Lipton, Nestea.  While we don't expect this to be even close to remotely good, we are keeping our minds open.  By the way, Tea_Pain and I have a truce right now to keep one of us from walking out of the house with all the tea and the children.  Basically, we need marriage counseling.  Anyway: tea.  We steeped the tea for one minute as it turned dark black.  Like the picture below.  I was a bit excited.  Tea_Pain cried a little.

Tea_Pain:  I like how the /t/bag says "100% leaf tea". Had I visited from another planet, say, Mars, I would have concluded that my planet was made up entirely of leaves. All my life I must not have known the joys I could have had flinging myself into the "leaves" of my home planet like the earth children do. As I pondered this deep thought, I looked a little closer at the dumping it directly down the sink.  If I didn't know any better, I'd say Duke was trying to poison me with a Folgers-Lipton lowbrid. Unfortunately, I was forced to brew up another cup and I even had to drink it. Duke... help me explain the atrocity in my mouth.

DukeOEarl: So the Nestea smelled like Tazo Awake.  This was a fake out.  It did not taste nearly as good.  Wow I just said that Tazo was good.  Red is now blue.

Tea_Pain: Water is no longer wet.

DukeOEarl: And grass is now purple.  That should tell you how bad this was.  Upon drinking, Nestea had the sinus burning flavor of cocaine without all the wonderful side-effects.  The blandness and irritatingly absent flavor reminded me of the soap water that I used to have my mouth washed out with when I was a kid.  The Nes/t/ was so boring that I started seeing and counting sheep on my mug:

I can only hope to die a quick death now.  Pain kill me with something sharp.

Tea_Pain: As I watched Duke struggle with numbers above "3", I realized this /t/ was a black hole of suck. I guess this is fitting seeing that it brews darker than both of our souls, combined.  But, good news! You read it here first, we must have had two of the last non-powdered Nestea /t/bags ever created. This portal of life-sucking, soul-crushing darkness with the ability of having 0 good steeps has been partially vanquished. Never has extinction tasted this terrible- at least you could deep fry the dodo.

What: Nestea
How much: No idea.  We apparently had the only non-powder Nestea left in the world.
What kind: Black
Taste: Like the stale sadness and death of a nursing home
Repeat Drinkability: 0.5/10 (Nestea is a supernova of mediocrity, just like a high school graduation)
Manliness: 8/10  (Extinction was INVENTED by man as a means to cure boredom. Next up: we're looking at you polar bears.)

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