Thursday, August 11, 2011

The End of the Blag: a post worthy of nudity, Bar Refaeli, January Jones, and shameless Google-oriented titles.

And so ends the Tea Blag in the final epic conclusion dedicated to Bar Refaeli, January Jones, sex, manliness, and the number of google searches that this will bring us, unnecessarily.  This is a long post, so sit down with some tea and enjoy it.  Also there is no nudity but the language may be NSFW if you're an Elementary School teacher.

DukeOEarl: It was roughly four or five o'clock.  Therefore, we were roughly four or five hours into our beer drinking on the porch.  Usually when we drink on the porch it it involves man-tanning or "taking it back" in the Clerks 2 sense.  This was the latter of the two.  We were drinking 40ozs of Mickey's and listening to You Know How We Do It by Ice Cube, shooting the shit, and telling the world how awesome it is to be a man.

Tea_Pain: Some girls from across the street were on their balcony pretending they were on Girls Gone Wild or some shit. So while they were busy doing jello shots and yelling at each other about who's the biggest whore, we were busy stereotyping each one. Apparently, a couple of the girls heard us laughing and yelled from across the street. Being the gentlemen that we are, we turned up the music loud enough to yell "MAKE ME A SANDWICH" without getting some feminist all riled up. Upon stating our hunger and getting nothing in return, we had to motion for them to come over to our place. Being female and about 3 shots in, tops, they came over to talk to us. After introducing themselves and basically flirting with us (in this case, they stated that since we listen to Snoop and Dre we must think we're black and/or thug. We lol'd), Duke and I found ourselves staring up at a couple grad students.  Ashley and Kayla (because they never said NOT to use their names) actually went so far as to bitch at us for drinking our shitty 40oz beers. Personally, I laughed at this and told them to name a beer without "Smirnoff" in it. Anyway, by this point in time, we pretty much knew they didn't come to bitch at us for 40's. So Duke, why did they come?

DukeOEarl: They asked us if we wanted to go to the bars with them later. We are men, damn it, of course we want to drink with women who are at least somewhat intelligent. "Who in the hell do you think we are?" I responded.  The girl named Kayla looked at Pain and yelled "Harry Potter!!!"  Ashley and I serious'd, but Pain understood...and facepalmed.

Tea_Pain:  Kayla was either drunk or an eight-year old.  Either way, she's what we call an "easy kill." With Dart girl being out of town recently, this has allowed me to sharpen my skills at playing wingman.

DukeOEarl:  Indeed.  Ashley gave both of us her number and told us that they were going to the Stadium Bar later.  We told them that we'd meet up, and they left.  Content with our manliness, we discussed a few things before finalizing our plans to go to the Stadium.  Mostly, we discussed how we've been too busy to continue the Blag, but we left our predicament unresolved.

Tea_Pain:  After polishing off our Mickeys, we started heading over to our post-pre-gaming session at the Stadium.  I've never been a fan seeing that this place is essentially the "grown up" bar filled with the type of people you leave back in your hometown (see: high school quarterbacks, used-to-be-hot girl with 3 kids and a mini keg for a stomach, all the kids who turned out to be furry enthusiasts, etc). At best, you might see a couple grad students playing volleyball.

DukeOEarl: It smells like meatloaf and multiple mid-life crises.

Tea_Pain:  I don't go often enough to remember the smells, actually. Duke said that he'd take professors there for a three-martini lunch whenever he needed an A, and well, that seems to fit my description too. The hell are these girls going to Stadium for? Fast forward to us walking by the bar 15 minutes late, and there is no one under 40 in there.  Normally, we don't text them right away, but they assured us that they'd be there before us. Bitches lied.  So we texted them to find out that they went to the Essen Haus instead for a birthday boot.  The Essen Haus is a bar with ridiculously good beer so our respect level went to over 9000 for these girls. Instant forgiveness. We told them that we were heading to the Terrace for blues instead of waiting for them and that we'd save seats for them if they wanted to join us. We're no Hugh Grant, but fuck you, we're still nice guys...sometimes.

DukeOEarl:  We jumped on the bus to make the trip less boring, but we missed our stop because of the post-Godzilla amount of construction around Madison.  We ended up several blocks past our stop and had to walk back down half of State Street.  Except before we got there, Tea_Pain had to take a piss because his kidneys are roughly 95 years old.  He walked down this alley to piss while I kept watch.  Unfortunately, I got distracted by an old roommate of mine walking out of Amy's cafe and failed to see a cop walk down the alley toward Pain.

Tea_Pain:  The cop should've never touched me.  Basically cause Duke fucked up, I'm still in deep shit.  I mean, I'm all pissing on the side of Amy's cause, fuck you, this is Murrica, and this cop comes in like a ninja and taps me on the shoulder.  My instincts kicked in and I Chuck Norris'd his ass to the ground.

DukeOEarl:  All you did was elbow him in the face.

Tea_Pain:  Yeah but that fucker was out cold for a minute or two.  Anyway Duke heard the noise and freaked out at me. We calmly ducked out of the alley and went across the street and went into Dobra, our safe-haven of Pao and The Iron Goddess. About 30 minutes in, we see this:

Tea_Pain: Apparently, it took six cops and two horses to investigate my pissing situation.  There were no security cameras. #Winning.

DukeOEarl:  Not cool dude, but we played it cool when we were in Dobs.  Frankly, I was surprised that they didn't call the canine cops and sick the dogs on Pain.  Those dogs could smell the piss running down your leg from Saturn.  We left Dobs after the 5-0 decided Pain had run away to Canada.

The Terrace was packed as usual, but we told a table of SOAR (orientation) kids (freshmen) that they were giving away free ice cream inside.  Suckers.  We had a table.  We grabbed a pitcher each and decided to hash out the game plan for the two ladies on their way from the Essen Haus.

Tea_Pain:  Like I said before, Dart girl is gone so I'm primed to be wingman once again. Operation Kayla was in effect so that she wouldn't cockblock the hell out of Duke and Ashley. After a pitcher is destroyed by your's truly, the girls show up but didn't see us.  Being the blessed wingman that I am, I retrieve them and sit them so we've separated them across the table. Take note men, this is a great tactic to use when on the hunt.

DukeOEarl:  They were dressed up.  In flannel/plaid gear.  Like hoedown chic sorta clothes.  Very cute.

Tea_Pain:  We quickly realized that someone here is interested in one of us. To figure out this conundrum, we poured them a beer each and waited.

DukeOEarl:  At this point, Pain is looking around a lot, still kinda shaken up from hitting the cop in the face, and Ashley noticed it.  She asked, "Why are you looking around so much?  Do we make you nervous?"
"I'm looking out for cops."
"Why are you looking for cops?"
To which I responded for Pain, "Cause Pain punched a little piggy in the mouth earlier."
"That's hot."
"YOU PUNCHED PIGLET?!" squealed Kayla.
And for the second time in the ten minutes that we hung out with them, we all serious'd at Kayla.  The subject quickly changed to current events when Kayla interrupted and asked if we heard about the recent evidence of the Higgs boson.  Which I had heard about in that article I linked to.  But why was this seemingly short-bus girl now talking about particle physics?  I'm pretty sure I lost all sense of time as I drooled in her direction.  Her mouth was moving, but all I could hear was "Large Hadron Collider" and "Integral Maps" and "Giga Electronvolts."

Tea_Pain:  He was totally enamored.  It was downright adorable.  While Kayla talked about strings and her big bosons or whatever, Ashley suggested that we leave because Kayla was getting on her nerves.  We said that we were going to get more beer, which Duke acknowledged with a grunt, and we bounced.  We walked down State Street shootin the shit when, to get rid of some awkward silence (trust me, they fucking work if they're used right) Ashley asks me about hitting the cop. By then, we were right by Amy's and I told her it happened right around the corner. She grabbed and pulled on my arm and got hyper-ly excited. "Take me there!" Fellas, when a girl is that smiley about seeing a misdemeanor, you might've found a crazy. However, she wanted me to reinact the whole thing. Like "take me through the steps." Having thought I discovered the 4th dimension of  crazy, I pretended to piss. She tapped me on the shoulder and I was like "yeah, then I hit him" and slow mo turned around and touched my elbow to her face.  Her face went from excited to completely stern as she said, "Hit me for real." Sorry, did I say 4th? I meant I've found the 5th dimension of crazy. I, of course, declined to put the elbowing trifecta in play and told her no. She slaps me hard in the face and yells "HIT ME!" I blame the beer for this, but I think... I may or may not have... kissed... her?  She pushed me away and said something like "I didn't tell you to kiss me; I told you to hit me. HIT ME!" Wellp, crazy bitch needed a hit and I, graciously, hit her. Without much recoil, she smiled and walked out of the alley. Looking back at me, she said, "So, what should we do now?" I figure Duke knew how to navigate to our home bar, so I say we just stick it out at the Blue Velvet for an hour.

DukeOEarl:  In the meantime, my drooling brain was only paying 6/17 attention to Kayla and her string-theory ramblings when suddenly she asked, "Have you let Jesus into your heart?" What.  How did....Wait.  "Wait what?" I said, totally thrown by that random interjection.  She laughed and said that she wanted to make sure that I was paying attention.  I realized that she was the perfect woman.  Smart, a troll, and convincingly stupid enough to scare people away.  I got down on one knee with a half-empty pitcher in hand and asked her to marry me.  She laughed again and said, "No, but I'd like to go swimming." "Uhhh, I don't have a swim suit." "Since when do you need a swimsuit to go swimming?"

That was my face for the five minutes it took me to realize that she was real and that I was following her to the boat house where the best skinny-dipping in town happens.  Once we were done skinny-dipping/making out in an algae-filled lake, I texted Pain.

Tea_Pain:  Duke's text read "Blue Velv?" It's like I knew or something. I confirmed his instinct and bought Ashley a drink. I'm partial to Spotted Cow and I figured she, being a female at a martini bar, wanted some expensive fucking drink with an umbrella or a crazy straw in it. I ask her what flavor martini she wants and she just comes up and slaps me. Apparently, this abusive bitch wanted a beer. I, uh, I think this is when my brain started thinking that she might be the coolest girl I knew. I mean, she likes GOOD beer (see: Dogfish Ale I.P.A.), could survive in a fight club, and she's attractive. Give me two of those and a sandwich and you're still above average.

Duke and Kayderp finally made it to the Velvet. Kayla looked she just got out of the shower or something. Not wanting to pass up the opportunity to make a funny, I quipped, "What, did you run through a sprinkler on the way here?" Ashley even went up to Kayla and did the whole "we're going to the bathroom" thing. Well, seeing that the girls were unresponsive, I asked Duke something like "Did hurricane Katrina hit the terrace?"
"Dude this is blag-worthy. I'll tell you later."
"Did you pull a 'me' and piss on her in an alley?"
"Shut up Pain, I'll tell you later."
"Is she sooooo wet right now?"
"I will shit in your pillow, Tea_Pain."

Duke: After being barraged by Pain about my endeavors, Kayla chases Ashley out of the bathroom whining, "Tell meeee."
I ask Pain, "Tell her what?"
"Nothing don't worry about it."
"Fuck it, we're even."
"What did you do, mushroom stamp her with your one inch wonder?"
"I said, we're even."
"Fair enough. Kayla, let's get you a drink."
So I took Kayla to the bar and bought drinks.  I walked behind her on the way to the table.  She was sipping her Smirnoff Ice with a straw and being generally giggly.  "I love Smirnoff Ice," she said.  "And I hope you two do too," I said, as I iced both Ashley and Pain.  Pain looked like he wanted to kill me.  On a scale from one to drunk he was about a 42.  But he quickly sobered up when he saw Ashley get down on one knee and chug the ice like a champ!  His eyes were like bush-baby eyes.  They were about to asplode from his head.  After he realized he was still iced, he finished his ice.

Several beers later, the ladies went to the bathroom together when Tea_Pain and I had what we can only describe as "totally fucked up, we were not high."

All of a sudden the room went dark.  Not a light was visible.  A voice started to speak, "Congratulations gentlemen.  You didn't even have to use your AK."  A face appeared.

Tea_Pain: "Is this the Iron Goddess again? Bitches drugged us Duke."

"NO. I am DA PAO. Gentlemen, I have some wisdoms to share with you, know what I'm saying?  Some of it is old news.  Some of it is new news.  Finally, some will predict events yet to transpire."

"One: Taylor Swift is the best singer of all time."
"What? I thought--"
"Really, I mean there's a--"
"Ok /T/sus, we get it."

"Two: John Legend is actually Marvin Gaye from the future."

"Three: Christina Hendrick's boob reduction is going to cause another recession.  Oh and this US credit rating thing is total bullshit."

"Four: The tea party is full of mad hatters."

"Five: The bigger the clock, the better the rapper."

"Six: Cleverbot is actually Robert Downey Jr."

"Seven: There is no Higgs boson."
"What? But Kayla said--"
"Kayla is full of shit, among other things."

"Eight: AIDS is the only cure for cancer."

"Gentlemen, the Blag is complete. I leave you with the ninth and final piece of knowledge: you will see the Eiffel Tower tonight."

The lights came on and the face of PAO vanished.

We looked over and saw Ashley pulling Kayla out of the bathroom by her hand.  She stopped and yelled to us from across the bar, "Are you guys ready to go yet?" We were not.   We hadn't finished our beers because the PAO was talking to us. "No" we replied.  "We can wait," said Ashley and then she pulled Kayla close by the hand and started to kiss her.  Wide-eyed, we watched them while finishing our beers.

We high-fived several times.


  1. Dude, I just found this awesomeness a few weeks ago and now it's over?!

    Awesome conclusion anyway guys!

  2. That conclusion was f**king magical. I'm a little saddened that it's ending, though. You gents better find a way to keep in e-touch with your readers/tea folk.