Apparently when Duke leaves the country, I have no reason to update the blag. Sorry bros and brahs, we're back up and running again.
On a more serious note: people are still shopping at Teavana. How do we stop this? Is there a special picture we can put on Facebook and get a shit-ton of likes so that we can stop atrocities like this tea? Solutions are welcome and encouraged.
What: Citrus Lavender Sage (Teavana)
How much: $5.00 / oz
What kind: Herbal is garbage
Taste: Flat 50/50
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (Expense, can't steep more than once for several
reasons, and I have to save some for Duke so I can torture him with it
at some point. Thus, I'm hoarding until it is to be destroyed by lots
and lots of fire.)
Manliness: 0/10 (This would attract Bieberflies, if they existed.)
We disobeyed Lori, we took our damn finals, we finally got some damn /t/ea.
Podcast 24: We put our tea in your Secret Garden
What: Secret Garden (Tea Embassy)
How much: $5.75 / oz
What kind: White, Green
Taste: Warm Juicy Fruit
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (1 steep and no chance of cholera)
Manliness: 1/10 (Like a mustache ride from John Waters)
What: Milk Oolong (Tea Embassy)
How much: $10 / oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Green tea with oatmeal... it tastes better than it sounds
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (In the words of Adam, "It's aight.")
Manliness: 7/10 (What's more manly than milk?)
Podcast 23: "Don't Go" to Mifflin and "Don't Buy" Aeroshots
What: AEROSHOT Energy (Breathable Foods)
How much: $2.99 per
What kind: (Apparently NOT breathable) Caffeine
Taste: Like getting roofied by a lime
Repeat Suckability: 2/10 (Only Jenna Jameson could get all the caffeine out of one of these Aeroshots)
Manliness: 0/10 (Like giving a blow job while wearing a pink feather boa)
If you want to see the "Don't Go" video click here:
Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, we got more PAO, you guys. This is, lyke, the best day EVAR!!
Podcast 22: Dat Pao
What: Farmers' Cooperative Banzhang '03 Shen (Verdant Tea)
How much: $10.00-13.50/oz
What kind: Pu Erh
Taste: A cross between leather and Darjeeling.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (Cause, pu erh)
Manliness: 5/10 (Because cowboys would probably like it)
What: Wuyi Mountain Big Red Robe (Verdant Tea)
How much: $6.95-9.25/oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Have you ever tasted sweet baby /t/sus' tears? It's like that only you can get more steeps out of it.
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (We have reached enlightenment)
Manliness: 9/10 (Picture Bill Shatner and Burt Reynolds as action heros / auto mechanics)
Verdant Tea decided to unknowingly sponsor a post about Duke hooking up with a successful gold-digger. We can respect Minnesota again!
Podcast 21:
What: Autumn Harvest Laoshan Black (Verdant Tea)
How much: $6.38-8.50/oz
What kind: Black
Taste: It's PAO with equal rights.
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (As prophets of the PAO, we must also appreciate the *slightly* lesser gods. So sayeth the PAO, so drinketh the /t/.)
Manliness: 10/10 (Look at your Old Spice guy, now back at the /t/... sadly, your Old Spice guy won't taste as fucking delicious as this /t/. But, he's probably as smooth as this.)
(Tea_Pain needs to start using skin cream.)
What: Xingyang Nuggets 2008 Shu (Verdant Tea)
How much: $5.60-7.50/oz
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Oatmeal in a manilla folder
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (Infinity steeps...very meh flavor. It'll also get you detained in an airport for looking like weed.)
Manliness: 3/10 (Smelled faintly of Ariel's fin. I may or may not have enjoyed this.)
What: Never Give Up (Rick's Tea)
How much: got this fo free
What kind: Red
Taste: Like a relationship
Repeat Drinkability: Depends on some things
Manliness: Decide for yourself
What: Rooibos (Twinings)
How much: Too much
What kind: Red
Taste: Like Carrot Top's breast milk
Repeat Drinkability: 2 (Breast Milk)
Manliness: 3 (Carrot Top)
What: Peach Rooibos (Yogi)
How much: Too much
What kind: Red
Taste: Peachez n creamz nahmeans
Repeat Drinkability: 6 (The taste delay is like waiting for new George RR Martin books to come out)
Manliness: 3 (Less manly than Sporty Spice)
Lotta BS in this one. Skip ahead if you have no sense of humor.
Podcast 18: Duke Tastes The Luck O The Irish And Keemun
What: Keemun Hao Ya (Co-op? Generic?)
How much: $2.40 / oz or something like that
What kind: Black Tea
Taste: Like a tea flavored warhead
Repeat Drinkability: 7.5/10 (akin to an above average black tea with CAFFEINE)
Manliness: 8/10 (like getting a black eye)
What: Throat Coat
How much: $.343 per bag
What kind: Herbal
Taste: Like death by licorice
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10 (Have you ever licked the hoof of a horse?)
Manliness: 0/10 (This is where babies come from)
Podcast 16: First Matcha Sponsor and Tea_Pain does the Matcha Challenge
What: Top Leaf Green (Mellow Monk)
How much: $14.95 per 100-gram packet
What kind: Green Tea
Taste: A full meal for an extremely mixed-race family. Potato soup and watermelon for all!
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (Enough steeps for a green tea and there's a different taste to each steep. Goes from savory to sweet... like my victory over Tea_Pain in the chugging contest.)
Manliness: 8/10 (Because, Godzilla.)
What: Mountain Snow Matcha (Mellow Monk)
How much: $16.95 per 95-gram packet
What kind: Green Tea - Matcha
Taste: Like "Top Leaf", but only slightly chalky.
Repeat Drinkability: 4/10 (Convenient but only one steep. Think Crystal Light but with actual tea.)
Manliness: 9/10 (The Hot Pocket of tea)
Podcast 15: We somehow avoided a "Who Let The Dogs Out" joke
What: Arawak Chai (Bahama-Sol)
How much: $10/~6 oz at the Nassau Airport
What kind: Chai - Black tea ?
Taste: A peppery-cinnamon that won't make you feel like you're drinking Hot Tamales.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (Either we go to the Bahamas or we find something that isn't meant for tourists. Guess which one is easier.)
Manliness: 6/10 (Much like the KFC Famous bowls, sometimes men just like to throw everything in one pot and drink it.)
Podcast 14: The Tea Blag Celebrates Getting Sued (Soon)
It's either the blackest tea ever or Duke forgot the flash.
What: Pure "Black" Tea
How much: No more than reparations
What kind: Black
Taste: Say it loud...
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Not as good as the keemun, not as lame as the chai)
Manliness: 8.5/10 (Black tea is manly yo)
Podcast 13: VDay so get that bitch some J4R3Ds. Bitches love J4R3Ds.
Duke says berMAgot lolz. Silly Russians.
What: Earl Grey (RISHI)
How much: 2.50 for a cup at Alterra, cheaper in bulk
What kind: Black, manly
Taste: orange peel, mixed with a mellow Keemun. Though bitter, it was surprisingly more complex than just "bitter".
Repeat Drinkability: 8/10 (namesake and breakfastability)
Manliness: 10/10 ("what's my name, bitch" DukeOEarl)
What: Earl Grey (Bigelow)
How much: $??? on their site, most likely cheap. free from dart girl
What kind: black, manly
Taste: Powdered black death with a dash of vitamin C. Bitter and clove-like but not the worst breakfast tea ever.
Repeat Drinkability: 6.5/10 (easy to make, tastes dece, breakfastability)
Manliness: 3/10 (Hipsters aren't fucking manly)
Holy /T/sus is this the longest podcast yet? Maybe. Can you stand the sarcasm? Probably. Anyway check out the last of the Mountain Taco (Tea co = Taco) sponsorship.
Podcast 12: MOAR OOLONGS
Ok men, it's time to play the MATCH GAME. Can you spot the differences between these 2 pictures?! First one to name three differences in our comments section (or, hell, on Twitter) will get us as virtual wingmen for a weekend of your choice.
What: Premium LiSan Oolong (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much:$3.80/oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: They say fruit, we say sweet/sour. In the words of Vincent Masuka, "Bukkake, bukak-kay."
Repeat Drinkability: 4/10 (the sweet/sour duo was about as welcome in our tea as your fiance at your bachelor party)
Manliness: 4/10 (the emotion "delicate" was invoked in the podcast, not good)
What: Four Season Spring Oolong (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!!) (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much: $2.20/oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: Spring-time. For I-GOM. In shots of tea.
Repeat Drinkability: 5.5/10 (confusion about the name translated into confusion about drinkability)
Manliness: 7.5/10 (Confusion say "He who laughs loudest needs to trim his nose hairs.")
What: Imperial Pearl Oolong (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much: $3.80 per oz
What kind: Black Oolong
Taste: Like a very light Keemun poured over some dank ass Creme Brule
Repeat Drinkability: 6/10 (Ever had a Coffee Sour?)
Manliness: 7/10 (Like chugging motor oil after a couple steeps)
What: Formosa Oriental Beauty Cake (THE Mountain Tea Co.)
How much: $5.26 per oz
What kind: Oolong
Taste: More earthy, less woody than Da Hong Pao. This is the tea equivalent of brandy (smooth).
Repeat Drinkability: 8/10 (Dusty from it being in cake form, but extremely Pao-like. A+++, would drink again)
Manliness: 9/10 (Sean Connery might ask this tea for tips)
SEND US VALENTINES DAY QUESTIONS! We know y'all suck at it.
What: Arnold Palmer (Arizona)
How much: $1.05 (Mobile Gas Station)
Taste: Like a lemon party in my mouth
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Higher when it's hot outside, lower when it's colder. In Wisconsin, that means it's gonna be lower, generally)
Manliness: 7/10 (Because, golf.)
What: White Christmas (Stash)
How much: $0.14 / bag (Amazon)
Taste: Lemon hookah water... not necessarily in a bad way
Repeat Drinkability: 4/10 (you ever try water like the picture below?)
Manliness: 5/10 (we're going to cite the same picture)
What: Rooibos Peach Bloom (Teavana)
How much: No idea but probably as much as your gold teeth. Could not find this shit on their wobsite to save our lives. Probably renamed it and sell it as something else.
What kind: Rooibos - Peach
Taste: Like peach faygo tea
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (rating to be re-enacted below)
DukeOEarl: Who loves peach soda?
Tea_Pain: Tea_Pain loves peach soda.
DukeOEarl: Is it true?
Tea_Pain: MMHMMMMM. I do I doIdoIdoIdo-oo
Manliness: 3/10 (Air-humping a Cosmo magazine turned to a picture of Zac Efron)
One of these days we mean to get a full Teavana sponsorship, but they're probably too cheap to send us a healthy sampling of their teas.
What: Canton Beeng Cha (Canton Tea Co.)
How much: a lot (not sure which one we got)
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Like drinking an Aztec clay pot
Repeat Drinkability: 3.5/10 (This is the Color Me Mine of tea)
Manliness: 4/10 (On a scale from one to concrete, clay is a four)
Don't bother trying to figure out the title. It's a google target thing. Also just to get this straight, we don't like reviewing bad tea. It's funny sure, but our mouths go through enough with all our bad language.
The Tea Blag's TTNBC:
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the spot
Not a cup was I stirring, not even FRESH POTS.
The teabags were hung, but nobody cared,
Since there was only but Lipton in there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of fat chicks danced in their heads.
And Tea_Pain in his third steep, and I in my fifth,
Had just racked our brains over this shit.
When out in the mail there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my mic to see what's the matter.
Away to the lobby I flew like a flash,
Tore open the package and threw up the stash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen chick
From Thirsty Thursday She asked for my--
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature teapot, and a eight tea samp-leer.
With a little old green tea, so grassy and meh,
I knew in a moment it must be totes gay.
More boring than than Lipton, first course was tame,
But then I looked and saw all these by name!
"Now Joy! now, Boston! now, Element and Canton!
On, Butiki! On, Rishi! on Chicago Tea Garden!
To the top of my box! to the top it was stuffed!
Now brew that shit! Brew that shit! Brew that shit up!"
As dry leaves that before the tea come,
When they meet with a force: Beasts of Brewdom.
So up to the pad, with box in my arm,
Tea_Pain looked over at me with a look full of smarm.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stove
The whistling and screeching of some boiling hot.
As I steep in the tea, and was brewing a pound,
Down the staircase Adam came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedophile, out for a snack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! how happy his jowl!
His badgers smelled roses, his nose smelled the PAO!
The tea was now brown, and smelled like dank weed,
And my hairy nose started smelling his mead.
We then saw the lapsang in our new batch of tea,
And adding some gin made the smoke taste sweet.
We got fucking drunk, Used Car Smell Part II,
Then made some Teaception, BWOOOOOOOON!
We went on our Twitter and trolled for a few,
Apparently nobody's on at 3 except Jews!
I wondered if Adam ever got with that chick,
They went to Dobra, heard she wanted the dick.
------------------
Adam, how'd you fuck that up?
-------------------
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the stairs he rose!
We finished the last steep, to our sponsors, we tasted,
Fucking motherfucker I'm so caffeinated.
Good thing we recorded this or else "fucked" we would be
"Happy Christmas to all, and Give us more fucking tea!"
blah blah blah fat chicks, girls pouring eggnog on themselves, duckface, google algorithm words
What: Huo Shan Huang Ya (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Yellow Buds
How much: $10.68/oz
What kind: Yellow (apparently this exists)
Taste: Kinda like zucchini scented smart water
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (equivalent to water)
Manliness: 7/10 (see podcast for discussion)
What: Da Hong Pao (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Big Red Robe
How much: $9.79/oz
What kind: Oolong (or in this case BOOOOlong)
Taste: If this were the only pao in the world, we would just kill ourselves.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (worst PAO ever...seriously omgwtfbbq)
Manliness: 0.0/10 (the Kristen Stewart of PAO)
What: Raspberry Truffle (Butiki Teas)
How much: $5.00/oz
What kind: Black/Chocolate
Taste: We were Jwoww'd by this tea
Repeat Drinkability: 5.5/10 (Liquid 'merica, aka Cheesecake Factory juice, can only stem dehydration for so long)
Manliness: 7.5/10 (Manly things are oft-hated by women, see podcast for explanation)
What: Cantaloupe & Cream (Butiki Teas)
How much: $11.00/oz
What kind: White
Taste: Like drinking cucumber juice from your new, hip juicer
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Comparable to water)
Manliness: 4.5/10 (These melons were already creamed)
