Can't Afford Beer Cause I'm Fujian Baroque

Since it is no longer below freezing temperatures in Wisconsin, grilling season has started.  What better way is there to celebrate the best season of the year (i.e. Stanley Cup Playoff season) than with a massive hunk of bloody flesh and a twelve pack of Guinness?  I certainly can't think of a better way.  Oh wait...you know, some tea might go well with my 24 oz porterhouse of dinosaur meat...

Lichee Congou in Paradise

Wellp. Madison's weather can go eat all the dicks.  It's almost May and we've had maybe 2-3 days above 60ºF here.  It's been overcast, humid, and just above the point where "socks and sandals" are allowed. Oh hey, that describes fucking TODAY. Or England, the Seattle of Europe. Fuck it, I need /t/.

SimplyJenW really liked us, apparently.  On a scale from one to /t/, we're not even half-done with what she sent us.  Because this weather sucks more than not having frozen pizzas on a daily basis, I decided to try one of her more "exotic" samples.  I took my shirt off, turned the heat up to 75, and blasted some Jimmy Buffett while I brewed up some "Lichee Congou".

The best ride at Epcot is the one where they take your walle/t/

Last week, I received a shipment of tea from a ladyfriend in Seattle.  Well at least the shipment was from Seattle.  I can't imagine trying to grow tea there, what with all the hipsters.  The tea would never get harvested because all the potential workers would still be reliving the 90's and putting their time in at food co-ops.

Anyway, one of the /t/'s is apparently not from a Seattle store.  It's from Disney World.  Now that the copyright of Mickey Mouse is safe until 2023, Disney can focus on the important things, like blending tea...what, really?  Disney blends tea?  Anything to squeeze an extra dollar out of unsuspecting moms taking their bratty little kids to Epcot.  It's surprising that there aren't little mouse heads in the tea, though that might taste bad...

Harney & Son's, Let's Be Friends

DukeOEarl: I'm pretty much convinced that Tea_Pain and I are going to get diabeetus, what with all the sugar and honey we consume on a daily basis, and today I learned that there is such thing as prediabeetus.  What the hell is prediabeetus?  It just sounds silly, like precancer or presyphilis.

Doctor: "I'm sorry sir, you have preAIDS."

Dude: "What?!"

Doctor: "Yes, I'm afraid it's true."

Dude: "No, no, no, what the shit is preAIDS?  Is that like HIV?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid not.  It's like postHIV except not quite full blown AIDS.  Just drink three cups of Da Hong Pao per day and you'll be cured in a month."

Tea_Pain: Speaking of PAO...

/T/ea and Alcohol: The Used Car Smell

DukeOEarl:  Regaled with the Legend of Lapsang, we decided to include a L'Chong (a.k.a. Lapsang Souchong for our non-French readers) in our night of alcohol and tea.  This drink deserved its own post.  Do not try this at home.  For reals.

"Used Car Smell" - Ingredients:

• 1 part Gin
• 2 parts Lapsang Souchong
• 1 freedom fry
• 1 penny
• cigarette butts to garnish

/T/ea and Alcohol: The Saga

Tea_Pain:  We've been thinking for a while about how best to divulge our experiences with Madison's... lust for drinking.  Do we we buy a keg and get ridiculously trashed for your entertainment? Do we steep random tea bags in lukewarm Keystone to see if we can make it taste like something?  Do we invite Sarah Palin for a /t/ party while she's up in Madison saying "You betcha" and "Herp derp, Russian polar bear!"?  To us, the answer to all of these was clearly no way in hell.  We decided that, like all of our other posts, we'd let our manly ingenuity run wild.  We would set aside the night before the world-famous Mifflin Block Party to prepare our livers for cirrhosis and other fun diseases.  Plus, we thought to ourselves, how could we be "men" without binge drinking?  And so began our search for drinks in our version of Iron Bartender, secret ingredient: /t/. Our drunken thoughts follow this drinking list for the night.  In order of tasting we have:

1. Peach-Schnapps Iced Tea
2. The Girl Scout
3. Over 9000
4. Used Car Smell (merits its own review)
5. The Cougar
6. /T/n/T/
7. Wrath of the Iron Goddess
8. Apartheid
9. The Final Level

/T/ea and How to Please Your Woman Part 3: The Choclate Climax

Tea_Pain:  As we all know, anything as important as sex should be done in as quick and efficiently a manner as possible.  Therefore, our trifecta of pleasing your woman will finish off with an "O",  Chocolate "O".  The package itself smells like Yoohoo.  How can this end horribly? It can't. Yoohoo is tied for 5th place, all-time, in my rankings of best drinks ever.  Rather than eat this /t/ like a candy bar, Duke and I decided to steep it.  After steeping, we both hesitated for a second upon smelling the /t/, so I say to Duke, "Ok Duke on three we're both going to say what this smells like."

/T/ea and How to Please Your Woman Part 2: The French /T/ickler

Tea_Pain:  We got a shit-load of tea in the mail from a Steepster /t/ swap. This was our reaction.  On top of the /t/, we've noticed a strong following coming from France the past couple weeks.  This was our reaction. To further progress with the romanticism and appeal to our, how do you say, Le French crowd, we figured we'd tackle the Strawberry Tingle rooibos.  We already started her up with the rose /t/, now we have to rev her for a few minutes with the tingle.  So if she doesn't attack your lower half like a Shop-Vac in heat, you're doing it wrong.  On it's own, the /t/ smells like ground up strawberry Runts except slightly more chemical and acidic.  The smell led to Duke and I to reminisce about organic chemistry labs and the noxious fumes that destroyed our noses so long ago.  We almost miss it.

/T/ea and How to Please Your Woman Part 1: Petal to the Metal

DukeOEarl:  Tea_Pain and I have been talking recently about how the Blag has deviated from our original course of action, which was to discuss /t/ea and manly things like Riskopoly.  Since the Blag is awash with /t/, we decided to shift our focus to a more mingled discussion of /t/ and manly things, namely surprising and pleasing women.  What better way is there to please your woman than with rose petals?  Or a rose petal /t/...

/T/ai Ho

Let's be honest guys. When I grow to the ripe age of 37, life'll start spiraling downward faster than the Bears in the first 6 weeks of the season. My metaphorical ass will ache from all the bullshit I have to spew out at work, sketchy trailer park women will want to spawn enough of my kin to make being Amish seem pleasant, and I'll wish that my 400 pound heft could attract someone like Lois Griffin. Sadly, some of you might already express these feelings. All this hope isn't wasted though. That's right, I am validating your hopes and dreams. Why lead these men on, Tea_Pain? Because I can now say anything is possible. I drank /t/. From a. Fucking. CAN.

/T/his S*&^'s Gold

Recently, my future wife, January Jones, asked me, "Duke why don't you guys include a 'how-to' section on The Blag where you explain your steeping methods?  Also what color corset should I wear for you?" To which I answered, "Cause men don't follow the instructions.  We figure shit out for ourselves.  Also red." Remember that, men, when you're steeping your /t/ea.  Figure that shit out.  No instructions.

Today, I acquired some Golden Yunnan /t/ea from Rishi.  It was recommended by one of our Twitter followers who said, "Shit's gold, yo." Indeed.  It probably received its name from all the gold that it absorbs from the ground in the Yunnan province of the People's Republic of China.  That shit's everywhere around there, like cheap labor.

 

The Ghandi Cocktail

Tea_Pain: Yogi actually ended up sending us 2 samples. We're hoping "Healthy Fasting" doesn't taste like air coming from bubblewrap. In fact, tasting like anything would be an improvement over "DeTox".

The Capital T Doesn't Stand for /T/

DukeOEarl: I don't think I've ever understood herbal /t/. How is it even called "tea"? Tea leaves do not exist in it. There isn't even tea powder or artificial tea flavoring in herbal tea. AND there is no caffeine! It'd be like making fake milk and calling it ___ milk even though it wasn't squeeze from a bosom of any shape or form. That kind of shit should be illegal, like terrorism or tiger blood.

Tea_Pain: Anyway, looks like we got a sample of Yogi's "DeTox" in the mail. You know, in case that bad trip on Smirnoff and mystery pills didn't scare us away enough. How does it smell Duke?

April Fools

DukeOEarl & Tea_Pain (in unison): No, but seriously, Lipton eats all the dicks. Long live the Pao.

DukeOEarl: The Wu Long Cha was also pretty good. That wasn't a joke.

Tea_Pain: Ok everyone, back to being men and dishing out teh lulz

/T/hree Blind /T/ea

Tea_Pain: It has come to our attention that we weren't so fair in giving Lipton the dreaded "0.0" rating.

DukeOEarl: No, YOU weren't fair. I was still re-learning how to use a keyboard with my face, post-concussion. Now I can type with my face just fine.

Tea_Pain: Fair enough.