The Tea Before Christmas: brought to you by nude fat chicks, girls pouring eggnog on themselves, and duckface

Podcast 8: The Tea Before Christmas 



What: Canton Beeng Cha (Canton Tea Co.)
How much: a lot (not sure which one we got)
What kind: Pu erh
Taste: Like drinking an Aztec clay pot
Repeat Drinkability: 3.5/10 (This is the Color Me Mine of tea)
Manliness: 4/10 (On a scale from one to concrete, clay is a four)



Don't bother trying to figure out the title. It's a google target thing. Also just to get this straight, we don't like reviewing bad tea. It's funny sure, but our mouths go through enough with all our bad language.



The Tea Blag's TTNBC:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the spot
Not a cup was I stirring, not even FRESH POTS.
The teabags were hung, but nobody cared,
Since there was only but Lipton in there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of fat chicks danced in their heads.
And Tea_Pain in his third steep, and I in my fifth,
Had just racked our brains over this shit.

When out in the mail there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my mic to see what's the matter.
Away to the lobby I flew like a flash,
Tore open the package and threw up the stash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen chick
From Thirsty Thursday She asked for my--
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature teapot, and a eight tea samp-leer.

With a little old green tea, so grassy and meh,
I knew in a moment it must be totes gay.
More boring than than Lipton, first course was tame,
But then I looked and saw all these by name!

"Now Joy! now, Boston! now, Element and Canton!
On, Butiki! On, Rishi! on Chicago Tea Garden!
To the top of my box! to the top it was stuffed!
Now brew that shit! Brew that shit! Brew that shit up!"

As dry leaves that before the tea come,
When they meet with a force: Beasts of Brewdom.
So up to the pad, with box in my arm,
Tea_Pain looked over at me with a look full of smarm.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the stove
The whistling and screeching of some boiling hot.
As I steep in the tea, and was brewing a pound,
Down the staircase Adam came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedophile, out for a snack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! how happy his jowl!
His badgers smelled roses, his nose smelled the PAO!
The tea was now brown, and smelled like dank weed,
And my hairy nose started smelling his mead.

We then saw the lapsang in our new batch of tea,
And adding some gin made the smoke taste sweet.
We got fucking drunk, Used Car Smell Part II,
Then made some Teaception, BWOOOOOOOON!

We went on our Twitter and trolled for a few,
Apparently nobody's on at 3 except Jews!
I wondered if Adam ever got with that chick,
They went to Dobra, heard she wanted the dick.
------------------
Adam, how'd you fuck that up?
-------------------
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the stairs he rose!

We finished the last steep, to our sponsors, we tasted,
Fucking motherfucker I'm so caffeinated.
Good thing we recorded this or else "fucked" we would be
"Happy Christmas to all, and Give us more fucking tea!"













blah blah blah fat chicks, girls pouring eggnog on themselves, duckface, google algorithm words

SPONSOR: Canton Tea, Riskopoly, and the Fall of Pao

You know what to do.

Podcast 7: The Fall of Pao

What: Huo Shan Huang Ya (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Yellow Buds
How much: $10.68/oz
What kind: Yellow (apparently this exists)
Taste: Kinda like zucchini scented smart water
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (equivalent to water)
Manliness: 7/10 (see podcast for discussion)

What: Da Hong Pao (Canton Tea Co.) a.k.a. Big Red Robe
How much: $9.79/oz
What kind: Oolong (or in this case BOOOOlong)
Taste: If this were the only pao in the world, we would just kill ourselves.
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (worst PAO ever...seriously omgwtfbbq)
Manliness: 0.0/10 (the Kristen Stewart of PAO)

SPONSOR: Lick my Butiki

Vote in the god damned troll poll already.  Then and only then can you play the new podcast.

Podcast 6: Lick my Butiki



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What: Raspberry Truffle (Butiki Teas)
How much: $5.00/oz
What kind: Black/Chocolate
Taste: We were Jwoww'd by this tea
Repeat Drinkability: 5.5/10 (Liquid 'merica, aka Cheesecake Factory juice, can only stem dehydration for so long)
Manliness: 7.5/10 (Manly things are oft-hated by women, see podcast for explanation)

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What: Cantaloupe & Cream (Butiki Teas)
How much: $11.00/oz
What kind: White
Taste: Like drinking cucumber juice from your new, hip juicer
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (Comparable to water)
Manliness: 4.5/10 (These melons were already creamed)

Movember: Tea_Pain

Movember: DukeOEarl

Before:

After:

 

The Kama eSutras

Check out the podcast below and vote on the troll poll above!  See the podcast for full descriptions of the answers.  For whatever reason the title won't show up.  The question is: What technique should Tea_Pain use to meet women at the bars?

Podcast 5: The Blag's experience with the Kama eSutras





What: Defense (eSutras Organics)
How much: $2.50/oz
What kind: Herbal
Taste: I just drank the insides of a thrift store.
Repeat Drinkability: 0/10 (Pretty sure Pig Pen wouldn't wash himself with this stuff)
Manliness: 0/10 (Too many words in the description.  We like shit simple.  Like an abstract.)


What:    ALL (eSutras Organics)
How much: $2.50/oz
What kind: Herbal
Taste: Fuck my tongue into pieces, this is my last herbal. Shoulda had a darjeeling, don't give a fuck if this tastes like it's healing. This is my last herbal.
Repeat Drinkability: 0/10 (This isn't the kind of thing you should put by your mouth)
Manliness: 7/10 (Men love dirty things)

EDIT: Duke is blaming Pain for no pics. WTF Tea_Pain.

SPONSOR: Thanksgiving Special Brought to you by Butiki Tea and Fat Chicks!

Click to play below! Also GoogleImage "fat chicks" to get us to #1! (safe search off, men)

Podcast 4: Thanksgiving Special 2011



What: Wild Purple Bud Pu-erh (Butiki Tea)
How much: $17 million an oz
What kind: pu-erh
Taste: butter / showered female
Repeat Drinkability: 2/10 (See the argument between Pain and Duke)
Manliness: 2/10 (Butter, lettuce, showers.. I mean srsly)

What: Teaducken
How much: ????
What kind: ???
Taste: made Tea_Pain vomit
Repeat Drinkability: 10/10 (I'm force-feeding this to Pain whenever I can -Duke)
Manliness: 10/10 (Gravy and tea?!!! Yes please.)

SPONSOR: 99 problems but a Butiki ain't one

Click to play below.  Check the podcast for last week's troll poll results!

Podcast 3: 99 problems but a Butiki ain't one

What: Pistachio Ice Cream  (Butiki teas)
How much: $4.75 / oz 
What kind: Pistachio, Green
Taste: Like a Rachael Ray snack
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10 (see podcast)
Manliness: 5/10 (a mix between aerobics and deez results in 5)

What: Royal Golden Safari   (Butiki teas)
How much: $11.50 / oz  :-O
What kind: Kenyan, black
Taste: Dark chocolate malt
Repeat Drinkability: 7/10 (smooth like the barrel of a poacher's gun)
Manliness: 9/10 (you will make rhinos extinct if you drink this tea)

We'd like to extended a thank you to Joy's Teaspoon / Naomi for featuring us on Naomi's blog for Movember.  Check it out here.  Also buy some tea from our sponsors!

SPONSOR: The Stash Strikes Back

Click play below, and answer the troll poll after listening, damn it! Hint: it's on the right.

Podcast 2: The Stash Strikes Back



What: Christmas Morning
How much: ~$3.00/ oz (loose)
What kind: Frankentea
Taste: Even if it's loose leaf, a BLACK tea that is this bland on the palette is rare for obvious reasons.
Repeat Drinkability: 3/10  (It's incredibly safe... don't like too much tea flavor? you're in luck. Have about 3 pounds of sugar you don't know what to do with? Throw it in here. Need something to water your plants every other day? Use a Budweiser.)
Manliness: 4/10 (KFC is still the only place we know that can throw a whole bunch of shit in a bowl and make it taste good.)


What: Red Chai
How much: ~2.50/oz (loose)
What kind: Rooibos
Taste: Like Christmas, ironically.
Repeat Drinkability: 5/10  (Repeat steeps for a rooibos and it's pretty dece for a spicy tea. We'd use this as body wash if 1) we weren't men or 2) we didn't already smell like bacon.)
Manliness: 3/10 (What makes the red man red? Being caught drinking this in public.)

The /T/ea Blag v2.0

Welcome to the Tea Blag v2.0

Click play below, and as always, let us know what you think about the new format.

Podcast 1: The Return of the Blag




What:  Lipton...again...this is like pooping while running
How much: This is cheaper than dirt...yes
What kind: Dirt Tea
Taste: See podcast, but for a tl;dr, suspiciously dirt-tasting
Repeat Drinkability: 0.5/10  (Like multiple oral hara-kiri's.)
Manliness: 1/10  (Richard Simmons once shit a rainbow more manly than this)