The End of the Blag: a post worthy of nudity, Bar Refaeli, January Jones, and shameless Google-oriented titles.

And so ends the Tea Blag in the final epic conclusion dedicated to Bar Refaeli, January Jones, sex, manliness, and the number of google searches that this will bring us, unnecessarily.  This is a long post, so sit down with some tea and enjoy it.  Also there is no nudity but the language may be NSFW if you're an Elementary School teacher.

There is actually tea being reviewed in this post. OMGRLY.

Last weekend I took my first airplane ride since Seattle.  I had to go out of town for a brief but necessary weekend business trip.  This is how the flight back went:

SPONSOR: The Stanky Leg, The Bernie, and now...

We're kinda mixing it up right now since we have 2 sponsors at once. We received a couple /t/s from The Tea and Jazz House after giving them some input on their new website.  Wait, you mean their /t/s are all named after jazzy people?  But I took a class on jazz musicians and only "Cole" pops out (notice how it has rooibos from AFRICA and CHOCOLATE, lolol), how are we supposed to drink based off our musical needs?  Easy. We chose the /t/ with random-ass names.  For instance, "The Krall", which I thought was probably a dance made up in low-income nightclubs in Atlanta.

First off, aesthetically, the tin is pretty toned down and simplistic: stainless steel with some laminated labels.  Looks like some guy just went to his label maker and slapped a couple on and shipped em out... not that that's bad or anything.  Once you open the container, you realize that physics has been bended.  The speed of smell far outpaces the speed of light and, for once, Stephen Hawking makes sense.  The smell is nearly to the point of overbearing sweetness.  Instead of the expected apple and pear smell, I was instead nasally assaulted by berries dunked in corn syrup with a honey glaze.  It's a stretch, but I guess this could be similar to a fruit cup, extra syrup.  Those chunks in there, after a personal taste test, were definitely pear-like and were still chewy.  Ok /t/, I'm expecting good things out of you. Shut up and get in the boiling water!

Lipton's younger brother is angry, has a gun

DukeOEarl:  Today we try the edgier, more ironic (see: hipster) younger brother of Lipton, Nestea.  While we don't expect this to be even close to remotely good, we are keeping our minds open.  By the way, Tea_Pain and I have a truce right now to keep one of us from walking out of the house with all the tea and the children.  Basically, we need marriage counseling.  Anyway: tea.  We steeped the tea for one minute as it turned dark black.  Like the picture below.  I was a bit excited.  Tea_Pain cried a little.

Pirates would love this tea if...

...if it had more grog in it.

Tea_Pain and I are in the middle of a divorce.  Because of the Dart girl incident.  It's funny cause his film shows more of my ass than anything remotely related to heterosexual intercourse.  We're not fighting over the cheating or the videotaping.  Basically, I'm trying to get him to go to film school cause he sucks.  And he doesn't want to go.  What a baby.  I offered him my left tit to suckle, and he said he wanted a divorce.  My answer: "Bring it fatty."

SPONSOR: /T/ouché

Dart girl is a bad liar
Duke just can't say no
Tea_Pain, closet film maker

Oh, look at that, Tea_Pain is an amazing poet too. I'm like Shel fucking Silverstein in his prime.  Here Duke, have a limerick:

Tea_Pain once sat in his closet
Waiting for Duke to come bop it
He sat in a chair
Camera focused where
Duke came before Dart girl touched it.

Thanks to working a half-day, the filming of that tape will that make an excellent, future blackmailing.  Now I shall /t/.

Harney and Sons Earl Grey reminds me of Grease

It's officially summer time.  Yeah duh right?  Actually, that's not what I meant.  It's officially summer time because me drinking outside in the sun with someone else's girlfriend officially started today.  Whose girlfriend?  Tea_Pain's.  And he's at work.

Oh look and here's some tea.

Bar Refaeli let's Duke out of her basement and into her garage

What up y’all.  Your Duke is back.  Boy, the Cayman Islands are beautiful this time of year.  Actually they’re beautiful every time of year; I feel like rubbing it in.  But really, I was here.  I’ll be updating regularly until further notice.  It’s good to see Tea_Pain can actually write without constant help.  Maybe he can get a job as a tea reviewer for a newspaper or something if he keeps it up.  He deserves a cookie.

Anyway, we’re about the tea here (or /t/), so let’s get to it.  Frankly, I’ve missed tea since the only thing they have in the Cayman’s is coffee or English tea (see: Bear Grylls favorite tea).  Time to brew up a pot of some Twinings Earl Grey.

SPONSOR: The dragonwell dries up

Even though we got one in the mail a looooong time ago, we still have yet to review a Dragonwell /t/.  And, well...  Duke is said to be back in the very near future after being released from JFK's detention center.  Apparently he and about 90 other passengers were stranded on a plane and so he started a kid-fighting ring to help entertain the passengers.  Think this, but with 2 year olds and parents screaming at them like they were losing a game of tee-ball.  According to Queens PD, what Duke did was illegal and, while he continued to state both children were fighting in self-defense, he had to stick it out for a couple days in a county jail and pay a fine.

Back to the point I was getting at before: Duke isn't the biggest fan of green /t/.  So I thought, before he gets back, why not review one kind I've been trying to review for awhile?  As the last /t/ they thrust upon our blag, BTC gave us a solid hundo of their Dragonwell.  Dear caffeine receptors, I am going to destroy you the only way the Chinese know how.  Let us begin.

SPONSOR: Smack my peach up

Who was the first guy to put peaches in his /t/ and say "Fuckin A, Jeffrey, this tastes marginally better than when I didn't have peaches in it!"?  The same goes for ginger and apricots.  Who stuck a piece of fruit/root in their /t/ and thought it magically tasted better?  I can see lemons, but dryer fruits like the ones I threw out there just...don't jump out at me.  Maybe these people all came together one morning and collectively said "Fuck gin pong, I'm never playing that again. What could I throw in here to make black /t/ taste less like coffee?"  And, in a bit of drunken clairvoyance, they made a /t/-version of Wop and dranketh from their goblets.  I present to you today's version of said concoction:

/T/sus.  I didn't know I was gonna be steeping trail mix.  Those chunks in there? Yeah, those are apricots.  How can I tell? Because those fuckers were the bane of my existence whenever I was trying to get the GOOD pieces (see: M&M's and mango slices) out of trail mix.  There were also some fuzzy-ish solids in the bag, and rather than label those as "mold", I dubbed them as the supposed "peaches".  No real ginger to be seen, but upon opening the bag, I got a big whiff of overly-sugared peaches and, there it is, a slight spiciness.  As pungent as the smell may be, I actually liked it.  It's hard to really discern each individual smell, but I'll just say it smells extremely sweet.